i dont have much time left. so i think im going to try and enjoy the time i have left, try and drown out all the bad stuff, talk to my friends, whatever. ill still keep trying to look for a job, but i doubt ill get one at this point. its almost over just 2 more weeks. i hope something good will happen, but i know it wont. thats ok ill be ok ijust have to pretend like its not happening for a while and then it will be over.
Tag:
pretend
I know no one one is really listening, but I have no where else to go…………
Well I fucked up again, for the 3 millionth time. I posted something on facebook and I was in my head if you know what I mean. I said something about my family (well my moms side) and it was about money. I said ” november, but being nice enough anymore people are going to treat you like shit no matter what you do especially if you dont have a job even your brothes treat you like shit no matter what you do when it comes to people liking you […]
They’re so loud…the whispers of demons.
I can’t hear my own thoughts at times, and they think I’m just spacing out..going insane.
But when I cut, there’s just silence. It stops. As long as the pain is there, the demons stop. They hide in the corners of my mind, eyeless creatures, hypnotized by the taste of pain. But I can hear..I can hear my friends, my boyfriend, and I can put my mask back on and pretend to be happy again.
But when I’m sober, they’re so loud….the whispers of demons.
i hate being around people, even if its just me and one person. i like my bubble where i dont have to talk to any one i can just sit and go into my own little world and ignore everyone else or at least try to, but when someone is around its like “damn now i have to make awkward conversation with someone who probably wont like me anyway.” and dont get me in a crowd of people, fuck me ill have a complete mental brake down if i dont have my ear plugs. i cant wait until this is all over. Monday will come […]
I am broken
I fear I’ve always been this way
what was it that broke me?
i doubt anyone could say
the doctors are confused
I lived a good life
supporting parents
no abuse
yet I’m broken
i often pretend I’m not
pretend I’m whole
pretend I’m happy
but I can never pretend for long
June 27, 2015 at 6:15 AM
From: Kathryn Marie Hunter (Me)
To: Rick and Maggie Hunter (My parents)
This letter may come as a surprise to you, but I assure that it was a long time coming. Before this past week, I didn’t have the support to do this, but now I’m surrounded by people willing to help. This isn’t to upset you, but rather to give you a rude awakening.
The Katy you know is not the real one. The real me has hidden from you since 3rd grade, and has stayed in hiding until now. You have not noticed this, as you believe fallacies, and deny the […]
I hate that I have to struggle to find reasons to get out of bed to pretend to be human. I’ve had so many traumatic experiences and have lost someone I love and every day is the same I’m always alone. The thing about suicide is it feels like I should stop wasting my time with a miserable humiliating life that no one would want. I often wonder if I’m genetically inferior because I’ve always gotten sick easily and have had depression since I was 11. I was supposed to die when I was born and I wonder if I’m being punished for still being […]
Hidden beneath the pile of forbidden fruit
Lies emotions that whisper nothings sweet and crude
an attitude of lust and a beauty everlasting
brings with it the terror of an unexpected sting
the warm rush of feelings never felt
hand of avarice and wickedness ive been dealt
no doubt that i dont know what lifes all about
but i wear a mask and play the part and pretend to know the route
existence is the devils mistress and you wont be remiss to hear me say i dont miss this
the heart wants what it wants so get a grip
blood to spill and im insatiable ill take it all drip by putrid drip
a skip […]
A vicious circle my life will always be.
I’ve always coped in the only way I know, it hurts me and creates even more darkness.
The small glimmer of hope came and passed; false and pretend, that’s all it ever was.
A vicious circle my life will always be.
In a week’s time, I will be nothing once again.
There is no future for someone with such deep struggles.
I held on for no reason; I will never get better.
I know.
I am perfectly happy… Then my eyes open and im back here where i dont belong… Back here where i am helpless and hopeless… Its such a cruel world… No i have to go on auto-pilot… And pretend to belong.
I don’t know how I can stay afloat in a world that is so harsh and cruel. I can’t seem to pretend, like everyone else, that it’s okay, that I’m okay. I can’t “suck it up.” If I try that, I eventually explode, which is basically what happened last night at work. I’m too weak, too sensitive. No place in the world for someone like that. Even in nursing there is so much bullshit to go around. I just don’t belong anywhere. My efforts are for nothing.
I’m not suicidal, but I don’t want to live. If something naturally happened to end my life I would be relieved. I feel like my entire life has been one disappointment after the other. I feel like people shouldn’t have kids if they can’t look after them. I feel like my parents shouldn’t have had me, it was irresponsible. I feel like as a general rule, people are selfish, and through that I have been abused and irreparably damaged. I used to be so excited about things and life and was such a happy kid, but I’ve been through too much now. There is millions […]
I’m just gonna go curl up in a ball under a blanket in the corner of my bed. If anyone cares to join me, you better bring some chocolate milk and a fucking donut and be prepared to cuddle for a few hundred years because I’ve sprung another leak in my left eye. I’m sick of the appointments. I’m sick of the pain. I’m sick of going through this alone and I Want nothing more than to swallow a fucking bullet… Every conversation with my worthless father is like pouring salt on an open wound. I know I’m not good enough, but can’t we pretend […]
I regret it completely.
I tried talking to my school counsellor, and another lecturer whom I hoped could trust with this problem. I just felt so hopeless that I thought that perhaps telling someone would lessen it (I don’t know, it was a moment of weakness).
Not only did that lecturer betray confidentiality – she told the counsellor that I wanted to commit suicide (which it do not) – and according to protocol she may have to report me. I couldn’t believe it. You can’t trust anyone, no matter what they swear or promise.
It was awful. The counsellor indirectly blamed me for her not being able to […]
I don’t know if is worth being alive because of two things:
1) Mi career has pushed me away from what I wish the most… Someone to love, take care of and make a family with. Grow together, look up for our kids and love them forever.
2) The only person that saw the good in me is no longer here. She left me for someone else. She stopped believing in me. In 24 years no one dared to see in the deepest part of me and love me unconditionally. She wasn’t able to understand the illness that haunted me before she came in. With her I […]
I am a big believer in doing what makes you happy. I am the person that all of their friends go to to vent and i am the shoulder that everybody cries on. it is a great feeling, helping someone else but it is no too fun when you need a shoulder to cry on and absolutely no one is there for you, or they pretend to care. So, doing what makes you happy is difficult when you don’t have anything that makes you happy. Yeah, things are temporary but nothing seems to be long term. How can someone have hope that they will have […]
Always been the person to be there for everyone else. No matter what I went thru I pushed that aside to help the ones who couldn’t ever offer help me when I feel the same pain or in my opinion worse.. But what happens when I feel I need someone to be there? When I feel like I’m falling apart or becoming weak who other than myself can I talk too..clearly I know the answer to that, I just don’t want to believe it. So stressed out and wish that being my only friend and only comfort was enough. Sometimes it has been but that’s […]
Hey .. I have spent a long time on this site and its pretty cool .. a lot of warm, nice people that care for each other even though we have never seen each other in real life.. It’s really nice to see that.. I am pretty good to make people feel better but I have my downfalls too.. but here is my story: it may not be as bad as some out here but its to much for me to deal with.. : I feel alone. I look around always and I see groups of friends laughing having fun enjoying themselves or […]
I hate my life. But the thing is I don’t want to die. Not really. Underneath the desperation, depression, and self-loathing I am stubborn and curious. I don’t think I can have it–a better life.
I was abused as a kid. My dad is a heroin addict, my mother an incredibly embittered alcoholic. They did things to me…things I can’t get over.
I am supposed to be over it. Supposed to slap a smile on for the sake of everyone else. Never talk about my ptsd, my depression, what happened. It makes people uncomfortable. And hey, better I be shamed for my feelings and alone then someone […]
Im just confused with the emotions i feel. Feeling a mix of sadness, guilt and anger. For once in my life i am utterly clueless as to which path i should take. I can’t stop thinking of her and the people around me aren’t helping. I hate it. When people i know pretend to have been so close to a person who died just so they feel better and can get sympathy from others. Well the truth is that you never really gave a damn about her life. I can’t go back to the place i was last with her. I tried it once and […]