After spending 23 years with a psychopathic husband, I thought I’d feel better quickly once I was no longer living with him – wrong. Apparently, I was in denial as to the extent of the abuse since he stopped physically abusing me years ago – and ramped up the psychological, emotional, sadistic, covert abuse to an 11! He also used the abuse from my childhood to manipulate my emotions and control me. It finally ended almost 9 months ago and I have been in extensive therapy for trauma – something I had no idea I’d be dealing with as the result of leaving him. I […]
ican hear him again. i can feel his hands. they’re cold. they’recoldthey’recold they’re so cold
i long for the euphoria of being loved by the person he pretended to be
being loved by the mask that he wore
but it was all fake
itwasalie itwasalie itwasalie
thecuts there were so many cuts there was so much blood
on my lips
on my face
on my thighs
i couldn’t stop bleeding it just kept flowing andflowingandflowing
andicried for him to make it stop
make it stop make it stop make it stop
but he just told me to smile
“please smile”
and i did.
he said i wasn’t bleeding enough so i dug deeper
and deeper
and deeperanddeeper
itwasn’tenou gh it will never be […]
seldom do i ever have a moment where i am free from the pain, free from the trauma that plagues me relentlessly
seldom do i ever have a moment
where i don’t hear your fucking voice, ******. where i don’t feel empty. when i escaped from you, i forgot to bring my identity with me. i have no idea who i am. you managed to steal me away from myself before i had the chance to run.
you conditioned me to believe that you are the only one who could ever understand someone like me.
who could ever love someone like me.
you conditioned me into forfeiting my right to make […]
the way my blood ran cold every time you threatened me
the way that the blade felt as i dug it into my flesh to form the letters of your name
the way the candle wax burned as it hit my skin
the way that the acidic feeling in my throat would linger when you made me film myself purging
the way i would try to speak clearly between sobs in those videos you forced me to make, the ones where i apologized to you
the way you talked me out of taking my life in front of you, not out of love, but out of your desire to keep […]
don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me
i can feel his hands around my neck he won’t let go he won’t let go he won’t let go
****** im sorry im sorry im sorry
he’s not really here but i can still feel everything
he was never here
******, how have you found me? how do you continue to torment me? i haven’t spoken to you since late september
i will never be able to forget the feeling of a razor being dragged down my face
over. and over. and over.
it still burns.
you said to me that i’d learn to love you
and i did.
but, no matter how hard i try
i can’t seem to un-learn.
****** im so sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. im sorry for ******* *** **. please don’t get **** ** ******. i broke my promise to ******* ***. i couldn’t ******* **** either. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry
why am i sorry
why am i apologizing
to the person who destroyed me
what the fuck is wrong with me?
you did unspeakable things to me. things i will never be able to forget or erase from this body. i still have the scars, your name included. i still have the wax burns.
i love you but i fucking hate your guts. you’ve taken everything from me yet […]
there is a song that i would listen to back when i was still being abused in august. it’s your dog by Soccer Mommy. most of the time i’d just sit on the floor and sob while it played on repeat in the background. i still listen to it, it’s a great song and i love it, it’s just really difficult to listen to because of the content of the song itself and the time period i associate it with.
here are the lyrics:
I don’t wanna be your fucking dog
That you drag around
A collar on my neck tied to a pole
Leave me in […]
“I’m sorry if I’m too pushy sometimes : ( I’m bad at showing my feelings, I’m sure you’ve noticed. but I truly do love you & it did really hurt when you said those things about no one being able to love you…. I know you’ve probably heard this a thousand times over, but that’s just not true. you’re pretty & vvvvv lovable you stupid.”
you never loved me. never. you never did. you lied to me. ******, why did you do this to me?
you would always tell me “this is the last time i’ll make you do anything like this”
but it was never the last […]
“I will xoxo. I hope someday you’ll truly realize how much I love you, how much I care for you & how I’ll never do anything to bring you harm ever again. your body is just so perfect to me, I adore your personality & the way you feel for me & love me makes me wanna break down. please don’t confuse me wanting your body, as the only reason I talk to you.”
oh, trust me, I fucking know that’s not the only reason you talked to me. you spoke to me because you wanted to keep me wrapped around your finger. you spoke to […]
“the thought of what I did to you, it tore me up inside. you didn’t deserve that, no one does. thinking of how happy you made me, how miserable I made you feel at times. how could you forgive me? please don’t confuse me as ungrateful, I love you. how could I not? I hate to be an echo chamber of words whispered into your ear a million times over, but you’re worth it. your smile that could melt away the stars, so bright, filling others with pure bliss. your soft spoken words, it’s as if the wind carries your words & dance to the […]
you lied.
you lied you lied you lied you lied you LIED.
liar liar liar liar liar LIAR
YOU WERE AND CONTINUE TO BE THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN, I FEEL SO ALONE WITHOUT YOU AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME.
FUCK YOU
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I WISH I NEVER […]
i spoke to my therapist today. i read to her my recent journals to help me evoke emotions so i could actually talk about something. i spoke about how bad the nightmares have been getting, how the paranoia is affecting me, et cetera… and i don’t quite remember how, but we ended up on the topic of the recent violently abusive situation i was in (in august). there was something there that i hadn’t unearthed before? the anger towards my parents. allow me to provide some context: in the situation i was in, i was being blackmailed. my abuser was forcing me to do horrible […]
I’ve been avoiding showers and changing clothes. Partially because I’m low functioning, but mostly because I don’t want to remember. Every time I shower or change my clothes, I have to see it. I have to see his name, etched into my flesh.
I feel sick to my stomach right now. I can’t stop thinking about it. The things he did. The things he made me do. It’s humiliating. I feel so small and hopeless. I just want to forget. Whenever I remember or think about the things that happened, my face feels heavy.
I want to crawl out of my skin, I don’t want this […]