Mostly, I can deal with the day to day bullshit of this world, and for the most part I manage to stay positive, which is almost impossible in this fucked up world we live in. I HATE IT HERE! Believe it or not, one of my major roles in life, is encouraging people…and Im damned good at it. I do what I do because I have a deep love for humanity, I feel your pain, and I HATE IT HERE…so if I must be here, let me do all I can to help and encourage others. It hurts my heart to see good people suffering […]
I rememeber growing up, I knew (or thought I did) that I would never attempt to kill myself or even think about the thought of doing that. It’s crazy how that all changed.
I had been depressed for about two months when I watched Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness” video. It spoke to me so much, and made me realize how broken I was. I rememeber watching both her and the other girl jump off from a cliff and building, and that was the first time I thought about suicide …
IÂ thought, how wonderful it would feel to be falling and feeling so free in those few moments. Free from all […]
I am a slave, a true kajira…i feel such an amount of pain for i have hidden it…. In fear of others… But why hide who i am… God this sadness hurts me deeply… I am not ashamed… Why should i be?
I’m terrified. And I feel completely alone.
I have not hurt myself since January and I have been on the right path not to, but I somehow can’t seem to hold it together lately. My anxiety has increased. My insomnia has increased. Even my fucking smoking has increased. Chainsmoking. Bad. But I use all of these things – my nerves, my lack of sleep, my bad habits – as scapegoats to escape what’s really bothering me. And the thing is, I think I know what’s bothering me but I’d rather not even say it out loud or even think about it, so I store it somewhere […]
I felt like shit. I mean I usually feel like shit but today was different. I honestly wanted to jump of the 5nd floor. I just need someone to talk to. Someone who will always be here for me. Someone who would be able to just listen and I can cry all I want and hrkwjdkejxkshdkwkdkanjskskskakskskkskqldnapjlkbkjhkijnbctyhjyd I just don’t feel okay. And I’m really tired of pretending im fine. I’m tired of people stepping all over me. You know what I wanna do? I want to ignore everyone… Just not talk to anyone (except for like 2 people who I love talking to). I’ve been […]
Alone in the darkness, I ask myself if tonight is my last. But I take a picture to remind myself that if anyone can find the beauty in this life of hopelessness and guilt and heartache, it’s me. So I stare into the face of sadness and instead of looking for flaws, I look for elegance. Sometimes pain masks the grace in each of us, but sometimes, if we look hard enough, pain reveals it.
I hate that I am really just another miserable, angsty teenager. I really hate that. I hate that so many people feel this fucked up, I hate that I am not the only one that feels this way. I just hate that even my sadness is unoriginal.
On a better day this may be a comfort- that other people feel the same. But not really and not at all right now. I want to own my sadness, I don’t want to share it. And I suppose that that makes no sense- why would anyone be so possessive of pain? Â I don’t know, all I know is […]
It feels… heavy, I suppose. Like everything weighs a lot more than it really does, like just getting up takes a lot of effort, like my bones are so heavy that I only move when I absolutely have to. Sometimes I have to talk myself into doing tiny, simple things that shouldn’t take a second thoughts, but they are so exhausting at times and dragging myself through the motions takes so much effort it’s barely worthwhile any more. And I’m not heavy at all, I just feel it. I don’t feel as light and as free as I actually am, even though I know I […]
Do you ever get the feeling where you don’t feel dark or especially depressed, but your mind is fixated on suicide and it’s never far from the front of your thoughts? You’re able to function just fine and you don’t feel any sadder than usual, it’s just that you’re constantly planning and thinking about your own death no matter how hard you try to distract yourself.
That’s how I feel right now, and have felt for the past 2 years pretty much non stop. And it scares me, because I can’t help but wonder if this is all I am now, all I’m going to be. […]
I’m geting really tired this ridiculous life. All I do everyday is turning my brain to off so I can run away from my pain. That’s the only thing that worked so far too. I can’t connect with anyone, can’t relate to anything and can’t find any worth in me. I’m tired of pretending I still want to do studies, tired of pretending everything is gonna get better. I’m sick of hearing the same lies everyday, sick of lying all the time. I can’t bare living among people who’d rather value greed, malice, and putting their kind down all the time. I’ve had enough of […]
It’s 4pm and I’m sitting here drinking liquid courage. I guess I’m just looking for suicidal people to talk to at this moment, because I like you lot.
I feel like you get it. Thanks.
Even though I’m more of a lurker, I’ve enjoyed the words I’ve had with some of you. You make me feel less crazy.
I feel like I snapped today, and now I should just get it over with. Because everyone thinks I’m mad at them but I’m not. I’m just mad at myself. And I wish I wasn’t out of tequila.
I guess I’m seeking a distraction right now.
People have called me selfish for feeling suicidal but really I am far from it. I have just thought about it and when I die I would like my donate my body to help other people who need the help. I have done pretty pathetic things in my time in order to lets say “make up” for things I fail at in life. I sleep with a dumbell or my little dog in order to make up for that loneliness I feel in my heart. My dog though is one of the things that keeps me alive. To see her little tail wagging when she […]
Life…
This four letter word that we are still wondering, debating, and living each day. As easy it was given, it can be extinguished. Life is always compared to some sort of object, for example, something as simple as a box of chocolates ‘you never know what you’re going to get’. Or even something as exhilarating as a roller coaster, it has its ‘ups and downs’. i believe that the reason why we come up with such simple analogies is because nearly everyone has experienced something as simplistic as that. But what about something more complex?
For instance, a car crashing and burning. One moment, you’re sailing […]
I posted here the other day telling my story I thank everyone for the advice but today when I got to school all I wanted was for me to die I was lonely, alone, sad upset and when I saw my boyfriend at school all I wanted to do was cry I held it together and didn’t. I had such a horrible day I am sitting by myself after school in Starbucks after my friend left (my only friend who has been there for me the most) & my ex boyfriend the one who needed space is sitting there with a bunch of girls […]
Happy days have gone away, happy days i wish they’d stay.
Now the days are dark and dreary, everyone is feeling weary.
Sadness comes and settles in, There my dreams go in the wind.
I wish i didn’t have to force a smile, won’t you come and sit a while?
I’ll tell you ’bout the good ‘ol days, the happy ones- they’ve gone away.
Lately I’ve been pulled in by this weird trance like gaze. Anything I look at I start to key in and never blink. Behind the stare in the eyes is sadness, bitterness and impatience. My lids seem frozen in time, my teeth lock, and my heart slows to a crawl (not sure if literally). I then shakes my head and keep doing things at lightning speed. Rush rush rush. If I can’t die then I have to force myself to be blindly fast. Unfortunately my blinding fast is going from a snail to a tortoise. It’s faster for me but not really fast to everyone […]
It was never about some great tragedy that befell me, making me lose the will to live. Although I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth I have not lived through any great traumas. My mother was diagnosed with depression when I was very young, and although that was not easy by any stretch of the imagination, my parents somehow managed to raise me in a fairly stable home, where I was allowed to express myself and become a somewhat strong individual. In all fairness, the bloodline of my mother does have a history of mental problems, but apart from some underlying […]
The days for me are far too long
I am weak and you are strong.
My sadness hidden with all the shame
You and I are not the same.
As the sun rises you clap your hands
All I do is breathe and stand
As I awake from my exit,
And wonder why it did not fix it.
I close my eyes
Imagine a place
Where loved ones lost are face to face
The days for me are far too long
All energy is long but gone.
So I take the pain away
With the medicine the doctor gave.
My heart slows down
The pumping […]
I’m no longer daddy’s little girl. The princess of his castle. There is no wonder left, no stories of wonderful lands and castles in far away places. Just the terrifying nightmares that haunt me in my sleep. The ones of innocence taken away, the ones of betrayal. Daddy stars in my nightmare and this time he brought friends. Because I have no hope of being successful there’s only one thing I’m good for now.
I stand lost in my nightmare with pain and sadness. I see myself shatter time and time again. And then suddenly I’ve had enough i can take no more pain. I don’t want to feel anymore so I […]
Every morning, no matter what, I wake up feeling pain. Even if the previous day was great, Â I wake up with sadness. Â I suppose this is just the nature of depression, but I wish I could at least wake up feeling hopeful, even if the rest of my day is terrible.