The First Time

I rememeber growing up, I knew (or thought I did) that I would never attempt to kill myself or even think about the thought of doing that. It’s crazy how that all changed.

I had been depressed for about two months when I watched Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness” video. It spoke to me so much, and made me realize how broken I was. I rememeber watching both her and the other girl jump off from a cliff and building, and that was the first time I thought about suicide …

I thought, how wonderful it would feel to be falling and feeling so free in those few moments. Free from all the evil, and hurt in this world. Free from the pain I had been feeling. It just seemed so beauiful.

As time progressed I thought of other methods … luckily I watched three movies (out of random) that dealt with suicide. Watching these made me think tht killing myself just wouldn’t be the best option. Since then I try to keep my mind off of it, but it’s so hard to keep my mind straight when I’m soo sad and knowing that no one, or anything can help me. I may not necessarily be thinking of killing myself the way I used to but everyday, when I’m silently bawling my eyes out at night, I wish I wasn’t living. I wish I never came onto this planet. I wish it would all be over. It seems as though that’s the only way out of this pain.

It hurts to think this way, although I’m so depressed, I don’t like thinking this way. I always hear, “It’ll all get better in time”, I just wish this time would hurry because I don’t want to continue to think or feel this way.