It was never about some great tragedy that befell me, making me lose the will to live. Although I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth I have not lived through any great traumas. My mother was diagnosed with depression when I was very young, and although that was not easy by any stretch of the imagination, my parents somehow managed to raise me in a fairly stable home, where I was allowed to express myself and become a somewhat strong individual. In all fairness, the bloodline of my mother does have a history of mental problems, but apart from some underlying melancholy I seem to have avoided any severely detrimental conditions.
In the past I did well in school as well as now at university, I have a loving partner who lets me be who I am and I have many close friends.
So it was not any of those things that were the catalyst for the feeling of weariness with life, which has been more or less constant since I can remember.
I used to believe in god, or at least that there was some non-physical dimension which influenced the physical world and made it possible to gain some greater understanding and knowledge about existence.
I still hope there is some magic there, but I cannot say that I truly believe it anymore. The overwhelming lack of any proof has forced my very pragmatic brain to come to the conclusion that there probably is no greater purpose or meaning to anything. Not that the universe in itself is not a marvel to behold, but as I am but an ant on an anthill, and have no way of actually experiencing the vastness and grandness that is the cosmos we call our home, I can no longer claim to be in any great awe of life in itself.
The few people I have been honest to about my perception of life and death, can never quite grasp why I am not grateful for what I have, especially if they themselves have experienced great sadness and hardships. They say ‘If I had your life, I would appreciate it and live happily ever after’, and I don’t blame them. From the outside all is well. I guess I think the same when I read about some movie star or millionaire who killed themselves. I think ‘But you had all the money in the world, and you could have lived comfortably for the rest of your days. What made life so unbearable that you could not just keep going?’. But naturally we all have different limits.
I see the unfairness of this world daily, through news and through simply looking around me, and it saddens me that people seem hell bent on making their lives and the lives of others a living hell. If all the laws of the world were boiled down to ‘Mind your own business’, most of the problems and pain, experienced by millions daily, would evaporate in the blink of an eye.
The truth is that I cannot shake this constant question of why death is seen as this great tragedy or why anyone who even dares to remark dying would not be so bad is labeled as crazy. We are different from the animals that fight to live simply because of instinct. If we let ourselves think about existence logically, surely the conclusion must be that nothing would happen if the planet and all its inhabitants ceased to exist in this very moment. Even more importantly, why should my life be so important that I must fight to sustain it at any cost?
I feel the right to die should be anyone’s right, regardless of what their mental or physical state is.  Not just people who have painful diseases, both mental and physical, but anyone who simply deems that they no longer wish to live for what ever reason they might have. The simple wish to die painlessly should be a human right, and I want to die by my own hand rather than wait for some random circumstance which might be very painful and/or drawn out.
To die consciously, honorably and with time to settle my affairs, is my wish. Not be ripped from this world in a way which I can’t control.
You would say I am spoiled, that I have no reason to wish for death and from your perspective you may very well be right. But that is the whole point of the matter; it is my prerogative, my choice, whether I feel life is worth living or if I simply want to move on to whatever the next step is.
I am curious to see what happens, to see if we indeed continue some alternate existence on another plane, as many believe, or if I just cease, in which case I won’t even know that the question has been answered.
The reason I have not yet gone through with ending my life is nothing more than lack of opportunity to acquire the tools for a painless and neat exit. I do not wish to inflict pain or trauma on myself nor the people around me, and until I find some perfect or near perfect solution I will keep going.
13 comments
The world is the world. Either you rise above it and find beauty or fall below in doom. Love yourself is all you need to do. Find all the beauties in life and focus only on them. Avoid ugly. there is so much more to life. Like being Aesthetic.
I have the same thoughts as you. My situation could have been better in many ways, but is not horrible.
As i’ve in some ways got better, thoughts like those you describe have become more prevalent in my mind. They’ve always been there, i imagine most people have them, but we usually ignore them.
What torments me most i think is that the world is so amazing, but that i am “like an ant” like you said. It feels like “truth” is somewhere out there for us to grasp, but we’re never actually able to reach it, we just feel that it’s there. As a result we feel alienated from the world and drown ourself in things that gives us pleasure quickly, which again might make us more miserable. Existence in itself is torture
@v_for_valexia: It doesn’t seem like you understood what I wrote. It’s not about not being able to appreciate that there is beauty in the world, nor do I see it as ‘doom’ because I no longer wish to be part of it. What I am saying is that being alive is no more ‘good’ or ‘right’ than dying. We arbitrarily give greater importance to some things and less importance to others and perpetuate this for centuries, without anyone really stopping up and asking the question whether or not these view points are true.
If we stop regurgitating for a moment all the standard quotes like ‘But there is so much to live for’ or ‘everything happens for a reason’ or ‘Love yourself’ or any of the other mindless, albeit well meaning, sentiments, then we could have a real debate about human existence, and give people true freedom to do what they will with their own bodies, whether that be ending their life, taking hallucinogenics, walking around with no clothes on, or whatever floats your boat.
@MikaelA: I agree completely. In my life I have these brief moments of pure bliss, which makes the rest of my daily life so much more unbearable. I have to pay with 95% of my time to enjoy the 5% I actually want to do, which for some is an ok trade off, but for me it’s a high cost of living.
White Raven, I really love your post. It’s a joy to read. You have such a mature style and are so literate. It’s very refreshing I have to say!
You are also calm measured and considered in expounding your opinions and ideas, unlike many people who post here in quite advanced states of desperation of one kind or another. Often they just need to vent, but your post has a carefully thought out and very persuasive argument to it.
I expect, as you are so literate, that you have read the French existentialists such as Camus and Sartre. They posiited that suicide was the logical and rational solution to the absurdity and pointlessness of this exitence. But given that suicide was not an easy thing to do (as so many of us here are painfully aware!) they had to come up with a few reasons and principles to live by. I can’t remember what all those were, but they involved some kind of humanitarian point of view which would result in doing all one can to ease the suffering of others (see Camus’ La Peste – The Plague).
I like the fact that you have at some time felt that there might be a spiritual dimension to existence, and that you are interested to see what happens after the great adventure of death. That shows an open mind, though I also sympathise with your current atheistic/agnostic standpoint.
I’m not going to tell you that since you are so talented and well-educated, that you have a lot to live for and could maybe write a book, or a thesis or something. I respect you too much for that.
The truth is being talented and well-educated sometimes only gives a person more reasons to want to die. Talent, celebrity and success, as you observe are no proof against the desire to die and have done with it all.
I pretty much agree with your belief that we should all have a right to die. It would solve a lot of problems, over-population and the destruction of the planet for a start. I’m not really a total believer in the sanctity of life either. In my perfect world there would be the humanity to see that some need putting out of their misery. Not because anyone else judges their lives as not worth living, but because they themselves, while NOT mentally unbalanced, have come to a calm and rational view that they want to control the manner of their death and make it a good one. There’s some dignity in that, and the desire and right to commit suicide is very much a human prerogative in my view.
A peaceful asssisted death would also greatly lessen the grief and trauma to loved ones etc. Nobody needs to find a broken, bleeding body. Affairs can be put calmly order and goodbyes said. There would be less taboo around suicide if it could be (maybe) state-assisted and sanctioned. It would become much more normalised in people’s minds and they would find it easier to understand and come to terms with.
I personally would most definitely set an age limit on it however. What that would be would need to be thought out carefully in this Utopian vision for society.
Thank you so much for raising these topics White Raven. I really hope you will stick around The Project and continue to post. Your words would be instructive and even comforting to many here.
Zoe
White Raven
Yes I agree! Thank you!
In a trully compassionate world the available medical science would allow a dignified reasonable exit strategy.
Humans cling to existance because it is a biological instinct. No different to that of an ameoba.
@louise50: Thank you for your wonderful comments. It is so refreshing to have a calm and constructive debate about these issues. I can appreciate what you say about the age limit, as I e.g. see many young people jump to suicidal thoughts when faced with the chaotic emotional turmoil of being a teenager. Everything is amplified in these years due to hormones and lack of life experience, and situations seem much more dire and finite than they might actually be. Although I tend to err on the side of complete freedom to do what you will with your own body, I do see that it would be useful to have some sort of support system for people who go through this at a very early age.
The point you make about being talented or educated is also a very interesting one, and made me think of a quote from Ernest Hemingway: “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” It is indeed the person who has time to ponder existence and the purpose of life who often comes to the conclusion that survival for survival’s sake might not be all its cracked up to be.
I’ve heard stories about how in ancient Rome people would be given the choice to commit suicide if they were to be executed, with some embelished versions where they would throw a grand farewell party before they went through with it. That has always been my wish, to exit in such a way, that I would let all my loved ones know about it, and give them time to come to terms as best their could, and then throw a grand shindig for my last day on earth.
It’s a tall order, I know, but I can dream, can’t I 🙂
Being depressed makes it all worse for me, because your head just stops working. A general lack of energy makes having complicated thoughts so difficult. Basically feels like you are rotting away intellectually.
Are you in college or anything btw Raven?
Yes, I’m in the 2nd year of my bachelor’s degree.
Oh. Me too. I’m completely burntout though and the workload seems to be even bigger than it was last year
Cogito ergo doleo. Although our individual existence is miniscule in the grand scheme, person-to-person interactions can alter somebody’s whole world. Think of your body’s cell. Death of one cell is insignificant but the successful action of one contributes to the collective, allowing the body to function/deteriorate. This phenomenon is best experienced through daily work with children or pets.
Existence is what we make of it. If we believe life is insignificant, we do nothing and it becomes so. If we believe life is in the pursuit of happiness, we do some amazing/horrible things.
If I want to die, of course I wouldn’t wish to be stopped. As Louise said, an age restriction would be needed. Kinda like having to taste the kool-aid to confirm you don’t like it. But people will hurt the same, always. No getting around that. It’ll crush their worlds.
Now when you express curiosity about an existence beyond the current that’s like declining drinking any kool-aid in front of you and hoping to find a sugary drink elsewhere. Why look towards a possible existence beyond death when you are in the present.
There is something tempting about completely ruining one’s life though, so one might finally be able to end it all