Everytime I think I find some happiness in life it gets taken away from me. There are many examples in my life but the most recent case of that is with my fiancee. I knew she was different when she kissed me. I fell in love with her and despite my looks and mental problems she loved me. I recently found out she is talking to someone else (The person doesnt even want to be with her.). Once I confronted her she said she was confused. We agreed to be friends for now. All this has braught up bad memories of being unwanted. I dont really know what to do and it’s got me in a bad way mentally.
I feel ashamed writing this but at this point I feel that I have to come to someone or something. It’s been over a year I believe since my last post, since then I have lost 2 loves and my mom has recently been said to have breast cancer. She worries so much about me and not herself. She has been the only thing that has kept me alive. I simply couldn’t imagine leaving my mom with no one to take care of her. Â I feel that I’m worthless in this world. I have Asperger’s Autism which makes me kind of a recluse with people. Lately I have tried to be more friendly and I have made a few people laugh but with everything that has happened lately I feel that almost no one could blame me at this point if I gave up. Â I have been hospitalized twice for my suicidal thoughts and I honestly will have to live my life on SSI checks as I mentally can’t adapt to people or their wants in any certain way. My mom might have to retire because of this condition and already it looks like the money flow is stopping. I haven’t received any checks and I have only recently applied for SSI checks. My dad paid child support until just now cause I’m 18 and were trying to get extended for a year but I don’t know if it will work. My dad knows of my moms condition but has offered little emotional support and unlike most dads you have to bring him to court to get money out of him even if it would be the right thing to do just to help out. I feel like that with the bills that are coming in and my mom since she can’t work will not be able to afford them I just feel that my death might bring sadness to her but at least she would have one less mouth to feed and maybe could live a little more comfortably without me. I have nothing else to lose. I haven’t in a while. I just hope that if I do go through it that someone can take care of my mom. That is all I ask of them. She is my world and she would give her life for me but now I feel that I should give my life for her.
People have called me selfish for feeling suicidal but really I am far from it. I have just thought about it and when I die I would like my donate my body to help other people who need the help. I have done pretty pathetic things in my time in order to lets say “make up” for things I fail at in life. I sleep with a dumbell or my little dog in order to make up for that loneliness I feel in my heart. My dog though is one of the things that keeps me alive. To see her little tail wagging when she sees me makes me feel good inside. Â Some of the other things i do to make up for the things I fail at are so terrible that I keep them secret all the way to my grave. People have for some reason thought bad of me. Why? I don’t know. I wasÂ accused of molesting my adorable oldest niece and I when I was accused was in a state of shock and sadness. Is that really what people think of me? People have said I’m creepy and I look like aÂ pedophile. For what? I doÂ absolutely nothing but try to get along with people and make friends but IÂ Â Â fail at it. I can’t help that the almighty oneÂ cursed me with these dreaded looks. Honestly people call me ugly like if I don’t know it already. People expect me to be a criminal. They expect me to be mean. They expect me to be a monster. People say “Let out your anger” and “It is better to let it out then to bottle it up.”. Let me tell you if I let out my anger in full I would be in jail now. Â Life has singled me out. I didn’t ask for things to be this way but they ended up this way. Â I remember in an episode of House Â Dr.House said “Almost dying changes nothing, ACTUALLY dying changes everything.I Â will not die being singled out by life. I will die singling MYSELF out of life. Â I want my mom to see meÂ dead notÂ to really hurt her but so she could get Â her goodbyes. I want her to be the ONLY one in my family to see my body. No one else in my family has earned that right. Never cared about me in life so why should death change any of it?
Well it wasn’t until about aÂ coupleÂ months ago that I found Â out I hadÂ Asperger’s autism. In some ways it doesn’t bother me, in fact I like knowing so I can get help but on the other hand now that I know that changes some ways I see life. I was told that I might never be able to drive a car because of my lack of a sense of direction. Now I have always been afraid of the idea of me driving. To many risks. I know now that I can relearn things but even with years of therapy and being included in many social gathers I still would never fully know about how to interact. My IQ is 112 which is good but it’s not like I am ultra smart like other people who have it.Â Â I consider myself to be more book smart then sense smart. The new medicine I have been taking makes me feel dizzy and lightheaded at times but that is just a price to pay at times. I like Â dark story books. The ones like Edgar Allan Poe. My favorite movie is all the Rocky movies. Â Can’t pick just one with that movie series. I like Christian Rock. It’s great stuff.Â Thousand Foot KrunchÂ Â would be my favorite band since every song I have heard from them has been great. I’m not really tall but maybe I will grow into my dads height. I’m 5’10 and I’m fat at 245 pounds but I’m hoping to lose the pounds in the next few months. I start my diet and workout today. I want to say I’m sorry if I say anything that is offensive. I tend to have moments when I get so mad and upset that I can’t stop myself at all.
Today was my 1st day at school. It was ok at 1st but turned to hell. I realized something today. School is what depresses me. Â All these people but not even one person needs or cares about me. I feel like the only way to get peoples attention is with death. I always get memories of all the horrible things that have happened to me when I was with alot of people. No one has EVER had faith in me. No one cares. My death is the only thing people would care about. I win a trophy? Big deal. Someone can buy one online or at the store. I work my ass of to get in Advanced Classes? Who cares? Being smart doesn’t offer happiness and in fact all it does is make me feel more different. I never asked to be smart and in fact I would prefer being retarded. People always loveÂ retarded people and treat them with respect even though they have doneÂ absolutely NOTHING to get any praise whatsoever. I am jealous of them. They never have to work or go through ANY of struggles I have to go through with school. Now let me get back on topic. I want to save some money up to buy a gun.Â Â I was thinking of using the money to buy aÂ prostituteÂ so I could at least say I lost my virginity. I’m done with women. All they have done is lie and broken my heart time after time. What’s the point? I don’t blame anyone for what I want to do. It is my fault. I was born with a handicap and I was born to never be loved by anyone else. Friends or anything more then friends. Â I can’t blame no one. It is just in my DNA and no amount of medicine can fix it. At least I will die not regretting a single thing.
This is the question I ask myself everyday and honestly I don’t ever expect the answer. All my life people have had little faith in me. Telling me I will go to jail when I get older, saying I beat down a girl when I did not, and so much more. In fact I wasÂ accused of rapeing myÂ Â niece when I LOVE that girl and have told everyone that I always want to be there to protect her. If I raped her that would go against my word AND my morals. Â People have told me numerous times I look like a pedophile and that I have the voice of a serial killer. So much pain from everyone. I can only recall the good moments in the mental hospital. The kids who understood me, the adults that showed care and the faith that was had for me. If I kill myself what do I lose? I in fact would be doing my family a favor. Â I feel bad that with me all I am doing is costing them money just so I can get help. All I can see at times is cords. Cords that can be fitted around my neck, pills that can beÂ token, and knifes for cutting limbs. Sometimes I don’t see what really I have to lose. If I hang myself and it works no more pain. If I don’t succeed I will likely be slow and mentally disabled for the rest of my days meaning I won’t understand the pain. I also would get alot more love from others since people care more about the disabled then they do what the people who can do stuff.
All my life all I have ever wanted to do was fit in and make friends but for some reason it just could never happen. I apparently scare people with my looks. I naturally look angry but anyone who talks to me more then 5 minutes knows that I am not angry. Lately I have been sad and angry. I got my 1st kiss a few days ago but it was nothing. Â There is a girl who is like my cousin but she is not (Uncle married her mom, they gotÂ divorced.) and I made a bet with her. Â I won the bet and she kissed me since that was what she had to do if I won. Honestly I didn’t think I was going Â to win my bet at first but I did so I was glad. The kiss I will admit was good and I liked it but it is nothing serious between us. I just made the bet out of the hope that I could get the kiss and finally get one. I feel that was my one chance to do it and I took it. Â I am not a ladies man and I have had only had 1 gf Â so at the point I was just like when will be the next time I get this shot to finally kiss a girl?
I don’t regret getting my 1st cognitive kiss like that. I got pleasure out of it and at least it gave me some confidence. Â Maybe I will be able to put a half real smile on my face.Me I am choosing just not to regret things I do. If I get mad and I do something bad I don’t regret. I have been hurt so many times by people that I think doing a few so called “bad” things is pretty even.
All that I ever was and stillÂ partially am is care. People say I am very caring and sweet. They say that I do things other guys never do. If I am so good then why do I feel so empty? Why do I long to feel that girl on my shoulder? Why do I long to do more? Â Â But yet why do I feel myself losing care for all these questions to be answered? Is it possible that the pain has finally stopped, no it’s still there. The pain is trying to hide,looking for the right time to reappear. It is pretty bad nowadays when dying is alot cheaper then getting help. Â I learned after looking it up online that the only way to not be rejected is simply not to try at all. So that is what I am going to do. Â What’s the point of searching for happiness when the road is never ending and painful?
People say if you kill yourself you will miss out on alot. Me all I have ever done is missed out on things. I missed out at socializing in a party cause I was to god damn scared, I missed out having a girlfriend all because I can’t read the signs, and I am missing out on seeing theÂ life’sÂ of 4/6 of my nieces and nephews whom I love dearly. All I am is just a zombie. Trying to make ends meat in this cruel world while struggling to know my difference with society and just waiting for someone or something to end it. I am telling myself I don’t need anyone but it’s just not working. All I know is if I try again to end my misery, no one will expect it.
Most of my life I have not felt motivated to do anything by my family. My mom is the only one who shows some support but I find myself saying “Why can’t my other family members do that?” Now look I do know what self motivation is in fact I consider myself the master of it because if I wanted motivation I would have to give myself it. For awhile it seemed good for things to be like that. You know put myself through some stuff without any encouragement but after awhile I long for it. I don’t ask for much just a simple “You can do it.” would be nice. Â I have attempted suicide and things seem to fade quickly in my family. They all forget about it. I guess it is true that ALMOST dying changes nothing, but ACTUALLY dying changes everything.
So lonely but apparently having emotions is wrong is since I am a guy. It’s really just depressing how the world looks at my situation. Basically I’m a wuss for crying even though I have perfectly good reason to. Â Wanting to hug and kiss someone makes me needy although isn’t that one of the key thing man walks the Earth? To find love and acceptance? I was put in a crisis center aka mental hospital for people my age and you would think I would hate being there. If I can tell you this I love being in there. Sure the beds are hard to sleep on but that is a small price to pay for feeling loved and accepted in the world. Â People treat me like I am a person and not some sort of weirdo or monster. I want to lose weight; 40 pounds to be exact. I wish I could just live in a mental hospital far away from society. I hate the disrespect I am given and would ratherÂ withdrawÂ from society then to embrace it like other people do. Â I remember wanting to stab someone and aÂ SpanishÂ girl says “If you stab him your going to jail.” ANYWHERE is better then here. At least in jail I EXPECT to be treated unfairly rather then being caught off guard here. I already have a plan. If I ever go to jail I will hang myself the 1st day I am behind bars. No one is going to abuse me any more. Â I honestly have no remorse and no care about what I will or will not do in the future.Â If I ever do kill myself I want to do it in a way that I know I am dead. If I do it I will shoot myself Â in the back of the head while standing on edge of a chair with a rope around my neck. If the bullet doesn’t kill me the fall will. I want to get better but I just can’t muster up the strength anymore. Â When I go back to school I will be showing everyone my aggressive side. Â No more Mr. Gentleman like I was doing hoping it would land me some friends. I am just sick of the results I get from doing nice things.
This song pretty much describes me
All my life no one has really had high hopes for me. No one has ever motivated me into doing anything. Only my oldest sister has went to college and she still can’t find a job. My mom tells me there is no point in going to college in today’s time. Â Me I don’t care what my future holds. There is no future only a present. I get pissed off when I get treated like shit cause I have worked my ass off in school without ANY motivation to keep me going. I have done it all on my own. I decide always to work alone Â because no one but me is going to get credit for what I do. I have threatened people at my school who piss me off that I will stab them in the neck with a pencil and not feel any remorse at all for doing it. Â It is not a lie either. Â They say “Well you will go to jail.” I tell my mom that the minute I am put behind bars I end my life in there. What can the police really do to a man who has no reason to go on? Â As I say that I must confess that I do have a few things I wanna do before I die.
1. Make sure my mom will be in good hands.
2. Get my 1st kiss (You might say why not lose virginity or something? I don’t really care for having sex.It’s lost alot of value in today’s time. I just want the feeling of a kiss.)
3. Make sure my books will go to kids who need it. (I have alot of books.)
4. Tell my nieces I love them for the last time. ( I feel that I owe that to them.)
I don’t want to make my mom sad but in the same sense I also don’t want to feel thatÂ I’mÂ only living for 1 person. Â I just want to feel that I accomplished something in this rancid world that is constantly putting people like me down. I’m struggling to find reason here. I just don’t think I can find reason.
Women seem not to like me. Middle school all the way to now they have tormented me. They make fun of the way I walk, the way I look and the way I socialize with others. Now I have been raised around women. My mom and 2 of my 3 sisters were in my life and from them I have learned alot. I respect women and I open doors for all of them. I ask them how they are doing and how they are feeling. No matter how nice I am I never get anything butÂ tormenting in return. There is a girl that makes me so mad now. She is a heartless ***** to everyone and she is really the only girl I have actually considered choking out. Her and her friends make fun of autistic people, not knowing that I am autistic and even if they did know they wouldn’t care. Now all my friends were girls but now they are either gone or more likeÂ acquiescents and it makes me so made the way even they treat me. I am desperate to have friends so I assume that is the only reason I talk to them. Â Women seem to like to be abused. They like being called *****, ho, slut, etc. A nice guy is just not what girls want. I am actually growing to dislike women but in the same sense I hope one will like me. Â As I see everything come together and my hate festers up I am only scared for what I might do. Â I have given up almost all hope of finding a girlfriend with the only thing keeping me grounded into the hope is my day dreams. Â With the pain growing inside of me fromÂ everyone’s not just women actions and words I sometimes contemplate if death would really be that painful compared to this Â tortureÂ .
I know it will it is just the details I want to fill in. I see knifes and I get ideas. I see my moms diabetic medication and I get ideas. I go to school I walk upon the top of the staircase and I see the bottom and I Â get ideas. Â I today held a knife and pointed it to my chest. I know I’m not afraid of dying. I’m sick of being treated like shit. I am infected with the miseryÂ decease which was stung into my heart by the needle of destruction. I see my money and I see guns online and I get ideas. I will say this I want to die quickly. I don’t want to stay in this world any longer so any possible way I can shorten the amount of time it takes to die will be good. I find myself banging my head against the fridge desperately wishing for pain to reach me like how I deserveÂ it. I know it will come. I know it will be soon. The best people can say is that I am selfish like I asked to feel like this. Â If I am truly selfish then why would I wish that I could take the pain of the world inside me and die with it just to be ridden withÂ those curses. Some were born withÂ luscious bodies andÂ magnificent faces that instantly gratitude them the life of happiness with someone in their arms also a person withÂ similar great qualities.Â Â I’mÂ not an athlete nor am I am model.Â Â I never will be any of those things. Â No one wants to be with or even look at a fat person or someone of my uglyÂ structure. I was born with this curse and I shall die with it. I feel like it is my destiny to do this to myself. It is something I have to do in order to redeem any value on myÂ tortured soul. It must be saddening to hear this but please note I am not sad at least not on the outside. Inside I have to much to work with. I am accepting of this situation. Now that I am looking at my computer screen seeing all these things in my face they are painting a portrait to me. If I could name the portrait it would sit upright withÂ the name glistening I knew it was going to happen. I’m getting ideas.
Me I will tell you in all honesty that I have serious anger problems and I am saddened Â by it. I have always tried to keep my anger on the inside cause
I believe it would hurt more if I display it on the outside. Â I lately though have discovered that my anger has more control over me then I do. It’s
scary for me to type that but it’s true. I have only had one girlfriend and as of today I am stopping with any form of communication with her. I broke up with her because she wanted to choose between me and her ex who is abusive towards her. Â I hate choices cause whenever I’m involved with them
I lose. I could not stand to see her choose him over me so I just ended it. She is back with him now. I tried being friends but that didn’t work out cause her boyfriend does not want her talking to me and she gets aggressive with me cause of it. Â I thought she would be different then everyone else. I thought she would be the one person who treats me like a person and not like some animal. Me I have lost alot of hope for the human race in general. They are very cold people who don’t give a damn unless the situation involves them. My anger level Â isÂ skyrocketing right nowÂ and if it continues I am not sure what I am going to do. Day after day I slowly andÂ graduallyÂ lose myself Â mentally. Â I have given up on love as it is pointless for a man who looks like me to hope for. Â I had my first meltdown while back and I wound up breaking stuff. I just have so much stuff in my head and I am giving up fighting for it cause it is just to much to bare. I just have raging emotions with no one to share or settle them with cause no one cares.
That is all I truly am. I am the fat monster who knows no better. I see the mirror and I want to break it. The reflection is what makes me angry.Â To see my messed up face and my large body is to much to bare. Â I have had food thrown at me like an animal and I have been put down by everyone.Â I try so hard to fit into this dark world but I can’t. I open the doors for the ladies as I hope their hope and any pain they may feel will go away. My mom is the only one who has showed me the love I need. I am ugly and their is no need to tell me I’m not. I know it’s the truth and I will tell you depressed does not even sum up my feelings. I accept it. I understand it. I no longer can bare this pain in my heart. I sit at my computer typing this surrounded by options. Will it be the knife, the mirror or will it be the noose? All of which I am fine with. A great fall also works for me. Anything that will put my ugly body to rest is good. Never in a million years will my worth ever be good enough for all you beautiful people. All I can hope for is that I shall no longer feel the emotions gripping with my soul. How my first times for anything shall no longer be a bother to me. The fact I can leave this world is all that I can feel for. I want to get everything in order for my death. The when and where is still in deciding but all I know is that it will all be over soon enough.I have come on here to express myself in my true form of emotions and hope that the people here are more understanding then the ones outside of here. I wouldn’t be surprised though if not. It is hard to understand the monster.