I’m currently at work, my back is killing me, Still, I manage to keep a normal expression on my face, but I’m in pain, my back has been hurting me for the past 3 days and it’s just getting worse, I’ve put icy hot to calm my muscles but still, the pain is there. Last week my hair began to fall out so much, not just what you would expect, like if I run my fingers through, I’d pull out about 20 each time or more, it’s scary, I’m so afraid of brushing it now. Is it because I’m stressed out? Last night my ex […]
Tag:
Scary
I would happily die for anyone. I would happily sacrifice my life for the life of another without a second thought. Yeah, there’s loads in my life worth dying for; but there’s very little worth living for. But does that matter? I suppose I should just embrace the fact that although it’s not a lot to live for and the temptation’s always there, there is something keeping me here, there must be something worth living for or else I wouldn’t still be here. I believe that. I really believe that. And that gives me a bit more strength and reminds me that although it all […]
Lately if I fall asleep at all, I’ve had these dreams… In them, I can’t distinguish dreams from reality. It’s getting so scary so I just haven’t been sleeping at all. These dreams… they’re so horrible. I feel as if I’m awake all the way through and it feels like this stuff is really happening. Â and, my sleeping pills haven’t been working. FUCKING CHRIST WHY.
I’m not telling anyone anything, so it’s ok…
But basically i had never really thought of it before, I see things and hear voices. It’sdeveloped more recently, I see myself. Something has happened to me and i see how people try to help me… And i hear voices. They tell me things. They make scary predicitions.
It usually only happens when i’m alone, rarely when I’m with someone…
What’s wrong with me?
I’ve figured out how deep I can cut so the scars will fade so within a week no one can tell what I’ve done. But it’s not deep enough. I just want to do it to help myself, but I can’t even do that without people getting involved and putting me in boxes. I’m afraid to cut because I can’t have anyone discovering it, and I’m afraid to not cut because I’m more scared of what I’ll do if I can’t.
It is scary, that I use to find comfort in the idead of being able to die, well, no, kill myself. But now, I am able to find comfort that I am going to work, save up money, and just leave this city, this state, this country and move somewhere else. Just leave everything, all this mess. No one will be able to follow me. No one will be able to find me. I will start fresh, somewhere new. Somewhere else…
I hope everyone is doing good and find their freedom from pain, just not through death. Not through death.
Lately I’ve been through a lot of stuff, well it’s my senior year and I really need to think about what I am going to do with the rest of my life, the thing is my mom is putting a lot of pressure on me so I study what she thinks is better, you see my mom is a mess, I love her I wish I wouldn´t honestly maybe that way I would not care about what she does or says, she hurts me she was upset and she told me I was her mistake that she did not wanted to make the same mistakes […]
My dad hates me – he abandoned me. He never wanted me. dad left me and mom when I was about 2 years old so I really don’t remember – but I have a feeling he used to be fun – I seem to remember we used to play and laugh a lot. But I don’t really remember because I was so young. Mom says he left us because he hates us.
I did see dad a few times … the last time I was twelve … I’m 17 now. when I would see him He smiled and laughed and his eyes twinkled like they were […]
I’ve always known that I was depressed. But i put a good wall and hid it from everybody. At a glance, nobody would guess how rotten and dead i feel inside. I’ve read websites for “help” but honestly, I dont want help. I’ve been depressed and suicidal for so long. I have never felt wanted or truly happy. If at one point I was happy, everything would soon come crashing down. And I’d be in my bed crying myself to sleep, reaching over to get the scissors and start cuting on my arm.
Just like today. I was truly excited to go on a vacation with […]
in responce to that first comment on my last blog (sorry about the spelling): i didnt mean for it to sound like i was competing, or even to insinuate that this is, somehow a competion. just that i got the feeling that my last post was being pooh- poohed as unimportat. any way. i cant talk to my friend (we’re 17), thats really the whole problem, i dont know how to express my self (hense competition thing), i either underestimate the whole situation, and then people dont belive me, or i go ott, and end up getting really defensive.Â
i cant talk to my mum or dad, […]
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