Dad Hates Me – He Abandoned Me

My dad hates me – he abandoned me. He never wanted me. dad left me and mom when I was about 2 years old so I really don’t remember – but I have a feeling he used to be fun – I seem to remember we used to play and laugh a lot. But I don’t really remember because I was so young. Mom says he left us because he hates us.

 

I did see dad a few times … the last time I was twelve … I’m 17 now. when I would see him He smiled and laughed and his eyes twinkled like they were wet … and that big smile. then I wold go home – home to my life and my world my room and my toys. I would miss my dad and mom would hug me close and lovingly say, “It’s ok dear, you have me – I’m sorry dad left you but he hates us.” Dad used to call me and talk to me. Bu first mom would talk to him, she’d get mad and tell him “if you didn’ leave us – if you didn’t hate us …” she’d be mad … and I couldn’t hear what he said but he talked loud back at her. Then it would be my turn … and dad didn’t yell at me … he was … nice … and kind … and told me he missed me. I’d ask when he would come to see me again. He said he didn’t know and that it would be up to my mom.

 

Every call went like that. dad called – mom got mad, dad got mad then dad talked to me – I started hearing a resignation in his voice – a sadness. He tried to hide it but I could tell because I hung on his every word.

 

Finally Dad came to see me – we had moved far away from where dad was – mom said we moved because dad was mean and hated us. It must be true because dad and mom hardly talked when he came to see me … but Dad and I had fun – we played catch, went to the zoo, hike a mountain – and it poured down rain with thunder and lightning and the water rushed down the mountain like a lash flood – it was scary but dad took of his shirt and put it over my head then carried me half way up the mountain – I wasn’t scared while he carried me.

 

During that visit mom tried to get dad to stay but he said no because nothing has changed – he must mean what mom says – that he hates us. That must be why he won’t stay – I wish he would because he taught me how to throw a football and how to ride my bike two-wheeled. We went out to dinner and dad told me to use my utensils right … I don’t know why, that’s he way I always eat … mom says as long as I’m eating, who cares how. But dad was insistent – so I did but that must be what mom means about him hating us. As dad was leaving he hugged me tight – I almost couldn’t breathe – he said he loved me then he stood up and left us there. after he was almost gone he turned and waved … he walked backwards looking, waving and smiling – he must be glad to be leaving – wow I think mom is right about hi not liking us.

 

Over the next few years I talked with dd a few times – just like before – mom and dad talked on phone first being mean then my turn … and dad with that sad voice … mom must have really put him in his place for hating us!

 

So then when I was 12 I got to fly down south to dad’s house – and the town where I was born! I had visited my grandparents there a few times but never for very long – I actually saw dad on one of those visits – it was fun! I even met my sister … er … HALF-sister. Mom says we only have the same dad so she is only my half-sister. actually mom says that dad was lied to and he is no actually my half-sister’s dad either. Mom told me that girl is nothing to me but so dad doesn’t get mad I should say she is my half sister. Well that funny (not really) because dad got mad when I said that she was my half sister – he got mad and said “WHICH half is my sister and which half isn’t? She is your sister – period … and you are her brother!” wow he must like her more than me because she lives there and mom and I can’t.

 

Anyway – back to the last visit – We had SOO much fun – but we didn’t get to do all the things i wanted because dad said money was tight. I can see why! He spend money on his “new” wife! Mom told me dad would tell me he was broke – but dad has that woman (wife) and a nice big house with 3 bedrooms (one set up just for me – my own private space to call mom!) and a pool and a hot tub! How cool is that?!?

 

So we went to the beach and played putt-putt and swam and skated and played with the dog and sat in the hot tub until after midnight and looked at the stars – dad is good at making me think he likes me – he says so many nice things and tells me he loves me and misses me. But then he gets mad at the way I eat … I mean really, who actually needs a knife and fork – but I don’t want to make him mad so I guess I’ll let him show me how they work.  It’s not really that hard but I don’t usually use them so it takes some getting used to. He acts like he is proud of me when I use them right.

Well – it was time to go home – I didn’t want the fun time to end. as we drove to the airport dad was saying that he thought mom would say bad things about him and that I should remember how much fun I had and to only believe what I saw while I was there to visit. Then dad’s truck broke down! Right there on the highway! Dad tried to figure out what was wrong but he said there was no way we’d get to the airport! Mom told me he might try to steal me! OMG i can’t believe he was actually going to try! … then he told me to call my mom immediately – Oh Boy! Here we go – this should be a HUGE phone fight.

 

But dad was calm … and he apologized about a hundred times! he was … so nice to her about it. He told her he would do everything in his power but it just couldn’t happen today (getting me on a plane).  I then talked to mom while dad set about figuring out the problem. She told me to call her every day to let here know what was happening – but I had already been doing that since I started this trip. It took about an hour or 2 when dad finally fixed the problem and it was way past the departure time of the flight so we went back to dad’s house.

 

Dad and his wife got new flight plans figured out – I got to stay for 3 extra days – this time dad would use his wife’s car to take me to the airport. At least I can get a ride in the car that sucked up the money dad was supposed to send to MY mom for child support!

 

The next three days were fun – dad and I spent a lot of time together playing video games and football and swimming. we’d sit in the hot tub late at night and talk. Dad said some weird things like how he has always loved and missed me every single day – yeah right! Mom warned me that dad would try to play the “good guy” and make her seem like a “bad guy”. dad had that sad voice I’d heard on the phone – and he seemed to stare off into space when telling me stuff like that. He told me that it was very hard to talk to my mom because she just wouldn’t listen to him and that she didn’t care or believe anything he said. He told me how he is basically broke – and that that is why it is hard for him to seem me – hard to believe sitting in a hot tub. Dad must make great money to be able to take 2 weeks of to spend just with me!

 

Well when I finally left – dad told me that it might be a long while before he could see me again and as I left to get on the plane he smiled and waved – every time I looked back he was staring right at me – like he couldn’t wait for me to be gone … but his eyes seemed sad – he must be thinking about that long drive home in traffic.

 

Anyway – I got home and I talked to dad one or two more times and then not again since – it’s now been 5 years. It just goes to prove how dad has always hated me and abandoned me. Just like mom has always told me.

 

Hated and forgotten,

 

Child

 

Dear Child,

I know you may not understand or believe this – but I love you and miss you every single day. No matter what I say or do – I cannot seem o make your mother understand that we have been divorced for about 15 years – she is still mad about that and uses you to try and hurt me. I don’t WANT to hurt you – I would rather suffer the pain of NOT being allowed to see you than to put you through the pain and stress of the battles that do and WILL continue to happen every time I try to ask your mom to let me visit you.

 

I know you think that I should “try” and that by not seeing you you think that I am abandoning you – maybe in later life you will learn how hard and heartbreaking choices like the one I have made are – I hope you never have to learn or face it first hand.

 

The Bible teaches us the story of King Solomon – two mothers claim the same child and Solomon has to decide who is telling the truth – Solomon says “Cut the Baby in Half” – One mother think that is acceptable – the other mother is horrified and says “Give the Whole baby to the other woman – so that it may live”. Solomon now knows who the REAL mother is – it is the woman who would rather let the whole baby live with a stranger than to let it die to prove her point

 

I chose to let you LIVE with your mother instead of choosing to “cut you in half” just to prove my love – it is a painful choice to make. i could go on and on and give details about how every single time I called was an issue of your mom trying to make me angry in hopes that my frustration with her would be carried over to say something mean to you – she would like nothing more than to “prove” what a “bad guy” I am.  Sharing you should be easy – the divorce ended long ago but you mom chooses to re-fight that battle every single time – it does nothing but hurt me and you. I’m a big boy, I can take it, but you do not understand yet (hopefully never). You did NOTHING to deserve being used as a weapon in a war that ended years ago.

 

I give up – not because I don’t want to see you – but because I’d rather you have only one hole in your heart instead of many. You might hate and blame me because you mom tells you that it is all my fault – some of it is my fault. I know your mom loves you but when she sees or talks to me, her hate commands everything and she does not see the damage she does to you – she fights “total war” where any collateral damage is acceptable for a win. I choose to protect you by not fighting that war.

 

I hope one day you will forgive me and come to see that I saved you from so much more pain.

 

I love you and miss you – every single day

 

Dad

 

To all the young folks on this web site:

 

If you took the time to read all this – thank you – I don’t know your personal situation – but I wanted to try and show that sometimes parents make a painful choice out of LOVE – not hate – and that everything you hear is not always what it sounds like and every thing you see is not always what it looks like. try to see and hear between the lines and try to see that maybe your parent isn’t being selfish – but actually self sacrificing

 

god bless

grandpa dawg