How am i suppose to feel?

Lately I’ve been through a lot of stuff, well it’s my senior year and I really need to think about what I am going to do with the rest of my life, the thing is my mom is putting a lot of pressure on me so I study what she thinks is better, you see my mom is a mess, I love her I wish I wouldn´t honestly maybe that way I would not care about what she does or says, she hurts me she was upset and she told me I was her mistake that she did not wanted to make the same mistakes she did with me with my sister because according to her I had turn out really screwed up . I remember she once told me my stepfather told her that I was never going to be someone in life that I was going to be a loser , the one thing that I did not expected was that she would tell me like, you know what I think he is right. I have some dreams but it has become my mom’s hobby to remind me how non sense and unimportant they are, I know something I learned this thing that I should not victimize like, make myself and not the world responsible for how I feel, but honestly how the hell am I suppose to feel with this, I just know it hurts and the last thing I want is to have her around. My dad is not with me and he is just great, I can talk to him about everything and he gets me he has never hurt me like my mom, I get to be with him like once every three months and I hate knowing how great it is to be with him and that I cannot be with him every day, in moments like this when my mom is freaking out I just wish I could have him around, he calms me down I feel safe around him he makes me feel like somebody cares and I’m not alone. I just hate this feeling because its scary, I’ve been really depressive in the past and I remember having the feeling I have now, all the time and it was awful, I am just scared one day this feeling will stay like before.