I think I’m drowning myself. I keep pushing myself backward. Every time I shove myself forward four steps, I fall backwards nine. I convince myself to do something and all I see in myself in the mirror is self-hate. I went out to a prayer group tonight, and by the end of the group I was already back to hating on myself. I have no self-esteem. I think I am worth nothing. I don’t want to exist anymore. There are moments when I think that maybe I shouldn’t kill myself, but mostly I just want to end my life. Then I come on SP and […]
Tag:
Social Interactions
I’ve been glancing around — grasping blindly, I guess — looking for somewhere to vent, and it’s honestly made my sense of social distance worse. I suppose I shouldn’t say “worse,” since social distance isn’t necessarily a subjective feeling so much as an assessment of social place, but whatever.
It’s hard to feel connected to others going through depression and contemplating suicide, given what I’ve seen.
It’d be easier to explain where I am mentally. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying, and I’m tired of what I see. There are amazing wonders out there in the world and even hidden deep in people; I know […]
I spent most of today doing math homework with a girl from my class. Â I actually didn’t mind the math homework so much because at least it meant I got to socialize with someone. Â But it also depressed me. Â She kept getting messages on her phone from friends and several people she knew stopped to say hi to her as they walked to class. Â And then there’s me, for whom it’s unusual if I get more than a couple texts a week and all the social interactions I’ve had in the past 7 months can be counted on my hands. Â I miss Amber more […]
Was going to post this last night but got drunk and distracted…
My parents got divorced when I was 7. Both are fantasy-prone, overweight, and hoarders. I was bullied when I was in school. A lot. That’s hard for me to admit because I feel like I’m supposed to be strong. I never wanted my family or friends to know… the few I had. I thought they’d reject me too. I’ve alienated most of my friends now, even the ones that were always nice to me. Maybe I never wanted them to find out what I really am. I’m weak. I’m a loser. I’m dumb and […]
so tired. My apartment has rats in the ceiling.
I had 2 weeks of peace as I’d moved into my new apartment. Before then, I was at my mothers for 2 month, at my dads friends house int he burbs for 1 month and a half and then ina shitty, insect fiiled apartment before that(for about 8 months).
Before that I had the dream apartment in the dream neighborhood but I had to move because I was paying too much rent. The cost of perfection was half my monthly pay. Since Jan 1 2011 I’ve been cold(uncomfortable), but like I said, I had two wonderful weeks […]