one or the other

so tired. My apartment has rats in the ceiling.

I had 2 weeks of peace as I’d moved into my new apartment. Before then, I was at my mothers for 2 month, at my dads friends house int he burbs for 1 month and a half and then ina shitty, insect fiiled apartment before that(for about 8 months).

Before that I had the dream apartment in the dream neighborhood but I had to move because I was paying too much rent. The cost of perfection was half my monthly pay. Since Jan 1 2011 I’ve been cold(uncomfortable), but like I said, I had two wonderful weeks where I had my own place to revel in my peace of mind. Now when I’m at my apartment, I’m staring at all the cracks in the walls, wondering if there are any holes that weren’t there before.

No rats have breached my walls yet but the paranoia is there. I can hear them digging and walking about and it creeps me the hell out.

I can’t sleep there anymore; I go to my mothers whos not too far away. From work, I go to my apartment until 10 or so, then to my moms to sleep. Then to my apartment in the morning for shower/food(my moms place is effed/hell; only good for sleeping) and off to work after that.

I can either feel sorry for myself and spend more money I don’t have to find my oasis, or I can realize that a lot of people have it worse than me and stick with the super cheap apartment with no actual rodents within it.

You ever find it harder to get through these life issues because on top of that, you’ve got your own emotional issues to contend with? On top of all this “crap”(im just being a suck) I’m crippled by loneliness, outside and away from social interactions. I feel crippled. It’s hard to see the point in balancing your life when problems present themselves because the balance that you’re used to isn’t so steady in the first place. It’s like, why bother?