Reaching out
Is difficult
Getting help
Is difficult
Why?
You ask.
I don’t know.
I reply.
Sitting there
Just talking
A serious
Solemn talk
Why?
They ask.
I don’t know.
I reply.
Talking about
Things like
My feelings
My thoughts
Why?
He asks.
I don’t know.
I reply.
A silence
A terrible
Tension filled
Dark silence.
Why?
She asks.
I don’t know.
I reply.
They stare
At me
With bewilderment
Surprised faces
Why?
All of them ask.
Because
I reply.
Another small sleep night. Woke up, still dark, stare at computer, somehow forget everything. Yeah, right… I can’t even dream a little.
I also hate cloudy wheather, I feel heavier.
I think I’m going slightly mad…
I remember stuff from the past, Like at 17-19 when I was with too much tension I would just go for very long walks walking extremely fast.
One day I was just walking back and forth in my room at parent’s and I couldn’t take it. It’s all pain, it’s all pain. So sneaked out when they were asleep and roamed the dark streets.
Sometimes I walked miles to a club when a certain […]
Hi,
Of course I realise that I don’t want to die. Â I just want everything to stop. Â Or change, I don’t care. Â I supposed I will create a list of “Things I don’t like about myself”.
1. I am very overweight.
2. I drink too much alcohol.
3. I can’t apply myself to anything
4. I can’t deal with anything that stresses me.
5. I am anxious and unable to form real friendships or relationships
6. I just want to stop!
Feelings of anxiety grip my chest, causing a wave of tension to travel both down to my legs and up through my back and neck to my face and the side of […]
I just caved and wrote to the wrong person.
It had been a while, but i know that writing is at best futile, and at worst, potentially problem-causing.
But just the other day, i had a series of “seemingly connected experiences,” which resulted in… memories, thoughts, feelings i just couldn’t shake, and they wanted control… and i lost that battle. Maybe i forfeited. Maybe i hate my vulnerability so much that i lash out at any little thing that might expose or exploit it. When something is going to hit you where it hurts, the only “right way” to react, is to “go all in,” and either […]
In a constant tension. Things getting worse and worse. Can’t stop it. Nerves. Want to just get out of this trembling place, and go nowhere further. Tired of thinking, suppressing emotions. Frightened. Can not stand it. No more. Throughout my childhood I felt it, waves of strong pity and fright.Nerves. It all deepening, thickening inside myself…No hope. No soul power anymore.
Do not know why am I writing those meaningless words, shivering. Mechanically writing … wherever.
Yesterday I went to a family Christmas party on my mom’s side of the family.
Two years ago this party was something my entire family attended, all 5 of my sisters and I would go together, with our parents. We were all there every single year, together.
However since that time, everything has changed. My 19 year old sister was kicked out of my family when she was 17 causing my parents to accuse anyone trying to help my sister of taking sides. Because of my parents choices, I wasn’t allowed to see my sister, grandma, aunt, or cousins, except for once or twice a year. […]
I was just about to do it! Grab the rope from downstairs and hang it over that beam in my garage that hangs oh so high. I’m screaming “I dont want to do it, I dont want to do ! ” Â I never want to kill myself but I could never bear the fact that the world is crashing down right on top of me and I began to snap. I didnt know anybody was home but then I hear my father downstairs looking for his motorcycle keys. All I had to do was just wait till he got on that motorcycle and I would […]
It is Tuesday in the a.m
I am so tense, there is so much to do to just get out the door.
Physio at ten then the appt for getting on a good track with my life with the resume and skills session at the womans outreach place.
it feels good to dump this tension on here, this helps, woke up a million times through the night and still exhausted but have to keep on going forward
I feel so incredibly not ready for today and my physical symptoms are really really uncomfortable and everything is tensed up to the max.
This is my reality and […]
It is terrible to live with so much tension. I have had so much psychiatric treatment that my mind is going blank and it is difficult to think creatively anymore. My family doctor has also recommended that I belong to the addictions population, the people that have severe difficulties in life. I have so much trauma that I wish to kill myself, except I am afraid of pain. My parents are aging and when they get older, according to Chinese custom, I may not be able to take care of them; rather, their care may belong to someone else. I am hated by many – […]
Through out the past 2 years I’ve been going through a good day bad day situation, but in the past year it has turned into weeks and months. Longest time I was servilely depressed was 3 months, I was cutting my arm and body continuously, it was the school summer holidays, I spent most of that time at home, watching terrible cartoons. I’m 15 years old, right now though I’ve been doing OK for the past 2 weeks, it feels strange and more se-real, more illusionistic yet more eye opening. But I know that the bad days are just creeping up, yet this time I […]
I feel barely alive, like the world itself feels unreal. I just feel nothing anymore. Nothing comes through to my heart and it’s in so much pain. Not my parent’s love, nothing does.
I’m so alone, my whole life I have been. I’ve been informally diagnosed a schizoid/avoidant by a psychologist. The only girl I’ve felt much of anything for I met years ago in sunday school but after so many tries I don’t seem to be able to get through to her. I could live if my life was being together with her, but that’s not possible it seems. She has […]
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