My life is a thrill ride, I swear. Three weeks ago, I had friends checking in on me to see if I had killed myself, yet…A week ago, I was on top of the world. I was feeling great. I had no worries and didn’t even feel the back twinge of depression. Now, I’m back down. This time, I feel like I was tossed off a skyscraper and the impact is forever engraved into my bones. I am back to not feeling any type of emotion except apathy and sadness. I am at a loss and I don’t know if I can crawl out of […]
So I know I have been posting things like this a lot lately. But yesterday I finally pushed the one person that was really holding me around. I told her that we can’t be friends anymore or can’t date or nothing. I know a lot of you will say why would you push someone away like this or do something like that. Well I don’t want her to take blame for if or when I do this. I don’t want her to hold the fault for the rest of her life. Cuz it’s not her fault and she should never take the blame. And I […]
Sometimes it’s better sometimes it’s worse. Sometimes you can get up sometimes you can’t even gain strength to eat. No matter everyday I put on a smile and feel that she is serene like i have never known. I am very sick physically. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend. How much longer I can hide this from her. I over came MY depression and suicidal thoughts I fought off those demons and most the time I never once thought I would make it through. Years of self hatred and abuse have not done me any good. I am venting and trying to […]
Several weeks ago in a reputable British publication, Lana Del Rey was quoted as saying “I wish I was dead already. . . I don’t want to have to keep doing this. But I am.”
Lana’s remarks, whether taken out of context or not, led to a massive backlash. People love her, or love to hate her. And then of course there are some who don’t know who she is and don’t give a fuck what she does or doesn’t say.
There’s people who put her down and dismiss her as a ‘faker.’ But who are they to decide what is real and is not?
My sister-in-law says […]
She speaks to me
All the things I want to hear
In an angels voice, too soft to be real
Amazing grace, from times that stand still
In my mind
Can I keep this for all time, she asked, when I said yes
And she claimed..
Then again..then again, there might be something more. And I can’t only stop and stand. I have to leave the life I know.
I cried out for heaven’s hold. Please take me away, oh lord. I’m ready, willing. These days grow old. A breeze pushed me over. I looked up to god in vein..and said..
Then again…then again, it’s […]
In less than 24 hours it will be the one year anniversary of my suicide. Just typing that now the tears swell in my eyes. I’m left with multiple organ damage, some nerve damage and a dying heart valve that causes an arrhythmia. Memories that were so special are blurs and I’m but a shadow of my shadow. I meant every second of my suicide and it was the only time I’ve ever felt free. Free of pain: mentally, physically and emotionally. Free of fear, free from my past, free from the numbness and so alive that night is burned in me. The sensation was […]
I am, or at the very least I feel like, the personification of a rather unfortunate or miserable concept.
The lonely romantic, the darkest corner of an existence, personified.
I, being a potential paradox invoked unnaturally upon the world, would naturally fall privy to this bleak state.
I feel as if I don’t belong, like I never was meant to be, in this world. And the world senses my foreign nature, and it tries to exorcise me from itself; not unlike our bodies attacking and destroying an infection.
It can be a slow and grueling process, but most of the time, the world ends up the victor.
As always, comments […]
clinging to pillows and sheets
praying monsters go away
demons at my bedside
holding vigils as i pray
branded and carved
tattooed and stained
numb to the world
fed novocaine
You just stood there screaming
Fearing no one was listening to you
They say the empty can rattles the most
The sound of your voice must soothe you
Hearing only what you want to hear
And knowing only what you’ve heard
You you’re smothered in tragedy
You’re out to save the world
You still stood there screaming
No one caring about these words you tell
My friend before your voice is gone
One man’s fun is another’s hell
These times are sent to try men’s souls
But something’s wrong with all you see
You you’ll take it on all yourself
Remember, misery loves company
Do you ever feel so empty you don’t know what to do with yourself? Do you ever feel that whenever you try to cheer yourself up, you never can succeed? Do you ever feel like your such a disappointment to the world, because you never can do anything right? Ever feel that you’re not really needed to anyone? Ever feel that you will never find friendship, love, or a true meaning in life? Yeah, this is me. Anyone else?
Haven’t posted in sometime, sorry people.
It dawned on me a moment ago that its very possible it could happen. Although I’d like to think you’re a stronger person than that, I felt I had to tell my end of it..
When you left me here alone, you took a part of me I can never get back. Not just your love and affection and the world beneath my feet.. But you took away my reason to fight, my reason to live. And because you knew it would destroy me, and still felt it was for the better, that part of me that fought for something more left with my undying […]
A comparison
Have you ever read what it is like to fall in to a black hole? That’s what depression feels like. You’re slowly moving towards the end, regardless of how hard you struggle you can not escape. Time slows down for you while the world seems to move on faster without you. You can only see the things that came in with you, your problems and vices, all floating next to you as you fall in to a singularity of your own misery. And to an onlooker, you will never actually disappear. Only get closer and closer to the end, but in reality, you’ve […]
Sitting here looking back at how I use to be, I can’t even remember what I was thinking.
Searching for razors in the cabinet, was like seeking treasure.Frustration running through my veins when I couldn’t find one and I had resorted myself to using a kitchen knife, later on hiding that knife. The feel of a sharp blade pressed against my skin, consciously aware that I’ll be dripping soon and the adrenaline rush. It was like an external use of drug. As I grazed my skin with the razor, my level of satisfaction increased and my care for the world and the people around me diminished. It […]
maybe I just don’t understand myself or perhaps my perception has been distorted to the point where I can’t recognize the familiarities in me, but I just don’t know. I don’t know where my life has gone and the prospect of where it’s going scares me. I don’t know what to say, my thoughts are jumbled and hard to articulate, those emotions are ineffable and I can’t stand their presence.
I’m longing for a life I never had or perhaps a life that I feel I no longer have the ability to conceive, a life I can’t even fathom or translate into words. the world around […]
It’s the worst feeling in the world being blamed by your own mother for her stress. It hurts what doesn’t she think i have things going on to. That maybe i hide it so i don’t cause her more pain than i already have. Does she not think that maybe i just want a hug and to know that i can talk to her not just the blame every time i do something slightly wrong in her opinion.
Sands of hell, here at the end. Pray for me, everybody.
I am the Ho-Oh, and nowhere to land. The faith, is dying.
My name is dead Ash C’atchem, here in the belly.
My totem pokemon is the muk. My cherry pick was a bulbasaur.
Here, in the world. The journey, there is only one.
A venomoth flew in my eye today, I think that was good luck.
I will catch you next time, venemoth, and butterfree.
Man, life could be so beautiful, if simply so. Heal me.
A journey toward celestial, my name is dead Ash C’atchem.
The entire lower hands, my fated. My totem, […]
My struggle with depression/anxiety as well as coming from an abusive/chaotic home with a parent who had, at the time, undiagnosed bi-polar have taught me to be strong and rely on myself. It also taught me, after years of therapy and self analysis, that people’s words can’t have power over you unless you allow them to.
I’ve always been very empathetic to others. My parents said as a toddler I would cry if a character got hurt or died in a Disney movie. I used to think this […]
hello,
I am from new zealand. I am a 35 yr old man who hears distressing voices 24/7 and for the last 7 yrs. There really is little hope for me as i have tried all of the world’s medications without success. I have also tried acupuncture, psychological therapy and hypnotherapy without any luck. When you reach the end of the road with respect to possible fixes you just feel like crap and wonder what the point of it all is.
For me its quite ridiculous that i could still be alive 20 years from now. It means a whole lot of suffering occured from between now […]
If the world is an ocean, then shall we become sharks.
The king of the jungle, the lion. A warrior, a sabre of light.
The magic sands at the end of hell. The chain that we must cut.
Faith, is everything, everything that is. Everything that is wrong and right.
The scale. The balance. Liberty and justice. Most of all, universal and eternal peace.
Raped, our goddess. Civilization, civilization, civilization. Our populous system on our “Mother Earth.”
I wonder so much, what is missing in the soul of others. The truth – And oh, how I am so alone. Sacred crucifix.
Assemble, the journey. Who will […]
I wonder if the structure of “modern” psychiatric institutions differed from actuality would we have so much strife… what is normal what is abnormal
would people be stuck in jobs that they hate, in bodies that they hate… equating body to buildings, buildings to religion… once I was a wanderer, coming off of forcefully ingested psychiatric medication, not wishing to pollute the earth with a vehicle I walked across town in 100 degree weather and needed a drink of water. Pressed a button on a church’s intercom to ask if they had a water fountain. They said no. Which is a lie, but Christians aren’t supposed […]