It dawned on me a moment ago that its very possible it could happen. Although I’d like to think you’re a stronger person than that, I felt I had to tell my end of it..
When you left me here alone, you took a part of me I can never get back. Not just your love and affection and the world beneath my feet.. But you took away my reason to fight, my reason to live. And because you knew it would destroy me, and still felt it was for the better, that part of me that fought for something more left with my undying commitment to you. In a world where I could trust nothing, there was that one tiny speck I could hold on to, and now it’s gone. You’ve crushed everything I believed in, and given me new reason to live.
I sincerely want you to be happy and healthy, but I sincerely want you to do it somewhere the fuck else!! My unwillingness to ever let you back into my life reflects how deeply I felt about what we had.. What I can NEVER GET BACK!! god damn you..
You have no idea.. You have not one clue what you did to me.
And that’s all ok.. Just leave me alone!
Find yourself out there! Do great things in your life, and cherish it.
JUST DON’T..EVER…COME….BACK!!!
17 comments
wow, this post just basically explained my life. i know, and feel exactly what your feeling trust me i know.
Thank you
Yup thats it. Just move on…. Looking forward.
I know you well, I know. I’m sorry. I made a mistake. You thought I was a stronger person than that. I’m not. That was the worse mistake i made in my life. After you, i’ve made even more mistakes, mistakes after mistakes, to the point where right now I sit here crying at what I’ve done to myself and everything around me has fallen. My life, health, family, happiness, expectations, career, it all fell. I can’t reach my expectations, i have failed everyone. But most importantly, myself. I have killed my own because of my mistakes. I look happy on the outside but I am dying on the inside. Please forgive me for being weak. I just can’t take this life anymore no matter how good i have it. It’s just not worth the pain i’m put through on a daily basis. Mind and body work together and I think my body is slowly shutting down as my mind has long been gone. I’ve fallen so hard. No one knows because they have not been in my shoes. I rather have been a hobo and worked my way up rather than the other way around. The fall sucked and now I pay. It’s okay to hate me and put up a face. I deserve to be hated. I deserve to leave this world asap.
Fine.. You want to play it like that? I can do that too!
I can never hate you..you don’t have to tell me you are sorry.. I already know! I couldn’t imagine what it’s like to be you right now, not being able to face your own reflection in the mirror..only feeling your own selfish self pitty. Your best skill was always self satisfaction..only second to your inability to communicate to me how you truly felt!
But the person I really can’t face, the person I truly blame the most is myself and that empty person you’ve left me with. The thing I truly hate is how I’m incapable of all the things our live taught me. I can’t even face my family knowing that the future I built up for myself, for us..for them.. IS GONE!! I can’t give that back to them! Don’t you understand?? Do you know what it means to ruin lives? Well that’s what I did the second I let you into mine.. I allowed the flood gates to be open when i let you in and they stayed open till the day you wiped away everything I could possibly hold dear to this world.
As I sit here in this empty place.. This place that reminds me of you.. I can’t think straight I pace back and forth. I can’t be here anymore, I have to move away cuz the memory of every fucking word we spoke echo and reverberate throughout my every fiber and through out these bitter walls that cage us together.. Me..and the haunting image you left me with. I have to pick up the pieces and start over again. I have to rebuild who I am and find my place in this world without you. Without the memory of you and without the family I have to leave behind because I can’t even face them without breaking down. You want to talk about failure?
Do your little pitty dance…just do it walking!
I’m done
I was a little conflicted about what i wanted to say to this. I suppose i still am, but the fact is, i feel some of it, but not all of it.
If my former “she” wants to return, she’s welcome to attempt; though it would be quite unwise for her to come near me again without her having grown in the way she is stunted.
I would allow her to approach, allow her to speak any words, i don’t care what they might be.
And i will respond as i always did: directly from the heart, with bold and unapologetic honesty; regardless of how it may affect her. If the truth hurts her, let her hurt. If the truth hurts me: so be it. I’m no stranger to being harmed by truth; yet i embrace it nonetheless. It would be a test, one i desperately need to prove, to myself, that i can pass… though i don’t expect to ever get that chance.
I don’t regret loving the person i knew, i only regret that she was false… fictional… a contrived portrayal, for an unknowable number of reasons… because i know what those reasons were Not. And, i know my reasons were genuine and correct, and so i am not sorry. I am not sorry for trying, for wanting to believe, or for pursuing what i felt must be. I do as i must: as both my personal law, and the universe itself, compels me. I take the reins when i must, whether my steering results in arrival or futility. I cannot change who i was, nor can i be anything other than who i truly am. I can only be what i am, and become whatever i become, just as is the fate of any man.
If i see her and break, then i break. If i must be angry, then i am.
But i will never apologize for loving when i know that i was not mistaken… and besides: to whom would i apologize? She proved the one i loved did not exist; was a farce; a lie… just a character played by a warped and wicked, sick mind; a game, if you will.
But i won’t. Because that fictional character i met in real life, will always exist in my mind. And i have already laid to rest, the hope that any such person would, or even could ever return to encourage my belief in her existence again.
The body i once knew as her character, is merely a grouping of cells… a bag of meat and bone and fluids… but one to be pitied, despite her transgressions, because she will never become wise, as i am.
She chose to define reality incorrectly, incompatible with facts and reason.
I have no need to further attempt to determine which one of the hard knocks was worst; it was all of them, and every reason that lead to my beautiful hydrophobic horse, fleeing the oasis we discovered, and ultimately dying of thirst. Or at least i assume that’s what happened, and i might as well believe it either way. As far as i know, she’s alive out there, somewhere… but that character died when she left. She is dead to me… but if by chance her remains may return, i won’t stop her from cutting herself on my razor sharp tongue… and i won’t feel bad if the truth hurts both of us, because it is as she made it, despite my protest, despite my pleading, despite my having given her a thousand or more chances to drink from the springs of my heart.
But with the OP, i agree: i don’t want her back at all, because she’ll never become or rebuild or reconstitute what she took away. That’s gone; whether it’s her or me or both or none.
And i know some might disagree, but i won’t forgive what doesn’t deserve to be forgiven; for that is an important principle to me. A thousand disregarded chances is too many. Forgiveness is available, but is conditional. What was wrong must cease, to be forgiven. For someone to apologize but continue the harm, means they are a liar. I don’t need anyone like that around me, no matter how much i might miss who i once perceived her to be.
I will carry it as a memento, a reminder of love and trust… but also as a caution against what some will do, if you allow them to abuse just a bit of “pixie dust.”
I would rather be alone than exploited. I would rather be alone than deceived.
I will only ever want someone who genuinely values me, and for who i actually am, and as who they really are; otherwise, i choose to be Free.
Fuck.. It tears me up every time I read it again
Awkward… didn’t realize there was anything to walk into here…
Anyway:
Process it in chunks (your feelings), take breaks when needed, and don’t push yourself harder than required.
Also: i’ve backed up my comment, so if you feel the need, feel free to whatever.
I’ll see myself out. ^^
Say what now???
I don’t really understand most of what you mean.. I get the process in chunks paragraph though
I’m… uhh… stuff. lol.
Nevermind. 🙂
Don’t you remember how interesting my threads (posts) use to get? lol
lol, it’s been a while…
*brohug
I have to somewhat agree and disagree at the same time since i’ve been having these exact thoughts. I was left by someone who meant the world to me (i don’t blame her tho since circumstances played a huge part there), only difference is she hasn’t attempted to comeback (and i don’t think she will, since she seems to do more than great without me).
But that doesn’t stop my mind from imagining possible outcomes… what would happen if she attempts to comeback someday?. I have to say, i’d have most likely the same reaction you are describing here.
While people who leave usually do have a hard time about the breakup (they just don’t show it in order to move on more easily) i don’t think they can completely understand how it is for the one that is on other end, why? because it was their choice, they had the time to think it through and it didn’t took them for surprise. It didn’t shatter everything in their world since they decided it, and if they did, obviously they thought it was for the better (for them mainly).
At the same time people do make mistakes when pressured or confused and usually don’t see the consequences until enough time has passed so in some cases i think forgiveness is justified, but that is better decided on a case to case basis… in that sense i’m glad i’ll never have to be faced with that situation, and i salute you for being so strong, keep your head up and do what’s best for you :).
Thank you
I have missed your positivity.
Thanks