I’m home alone. My parents are gone for the weekend. The urge to kill myself while they’re gone is as strong as its ever been and I fear I might do it tonight. I’m breathing heavily and my heart is pacing. I’m scared…
Work has me in a hotel tonight since I’m homeless. Worst one they could have picked. Apparently there’s a Hottest Women in America convention going on because the hotel is packed with all women. Yeah I want a gun to blow my fucking brains out right this second. My ‘friend’ is coming over but I’m sure he’ll find one of these women to fuck and forget about me. I’m so fuckng sick of this shit, being too fucking ugly to ever be loved, being homeless and all alone in the world!!!!
Forcing my self to sleep… Hope sleep finds me and never leaves… I havent even slept… And yet… im already dreading to wake up… Maybe tonight would be special… If im lucky… I dont have to go through another day pretending to live.
14 days clean, down the drain tonight.
I’ve attempted suicide 6 times in the last year. The pills are sitting next to me for tonight.
I became suicidal many years ago. I can’t remember quite when. I never acted until this year though.
I started self harming after my fourth attempt. I’m 57 days clean. The blade sits next to me as well, ready to be used.
My family hates me and I have no friends. There is no point for me living anymore. I don’t see why I hold on.
I recently stopped taking my medication. I just flush it down the toilet every morning. The medication makes me feel numb anyway.
I’m so broken I […]
Here I go. Wish me luck. Wish me destiny actually. No such thing as luck. Driving for the border. I have no insurance and my plates arent registered nor do I have my E-test. But, you only live once. YOLO! My journey begins!
Third Post
just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words. You are all good people I’m sure. I’m checking out tonight. Hopefully it will be peaceful and go without any problems. I’ve reached my official breaking point. Be cool and Semper Fi.
find a place to crash tonight
make some more money
contemplate suicide and have an existential crisis
“What’s your plan?”
I don’t have one.
“You’re trusting providence.”
I nod.
“You get angry and blow up at the slightest criticism of yourself, constructive or not. You can’t accept any from anybody.” She said observantly.
No. I don’t.
“Why?”
People criticize what they don’t understand.
“Well, you’re going to have to learn. Learn to accept advice.”
No. I never will.
“Why not? You are suffering.”
We all suffer. We only ask for advice when we feel lost. I’ve never needed advice from anybody. Life, is all about learning we have all the answers we’ve ever needed inside of ourselves. Truth is we’re never lost. […]
Into the darkness,I walk alone,
Where all my faith and hopes are gone,
Into the abyss,I jump tonight,
I know nothing ever can be set right,
When I put the noose around my neck,
I can’t take my regrets back,
Why is it so difficult to kick the chair,
Knowing well my freedom is near.
I’ve got it worked out in my head
I may go tonight
But i need a bottle of something –
If it works, goodbye…
Life, you are a fucking cruel joke
I’m DONE
I have one more piece of paperwork to get done, my Medical and Financial Power of Attorney. The Will and Advance Directive are all done. The three documents need to be witnessed and notarized.
I’ve stopped taking my heart meds. My sleep pattern has become so erratic that I wake up and have no idea what time it is. I may have slept for only a few minutes or up to 15 hours. I cry constantly. If things continue this downward spiral, I will go to the Bridge. I feel like I am going mad.
I called a hotline for the first time tonight. I told the […]
I don’t know what everyone on this site or blog goes through but it doesn’t deny the fact that each and every one of you is or are special. You might have cut, purge, or starve yourself today or you might even do it tonight. But guess what? That’s doesn’t change the fact that you are marvelous. Recovery is a tough road and is filled with swirls and curves and is definitely not a straight line but it’s possible regardless of what path you are on in life. You may be getting abused by others in your life but that doesn’t mean that you do […]
Today is my last day and it seems surreal.
Today I am going to go to the family cookout and later watch the fireworks . Not sure if I will sleep tonight or just stay up. Tomorrow I will get up early and drive to where I can see the sunrise. I have some nice soft music I am going to listen to while I watch it. Then when the sun is half way over the horizon, I will end this pain.
My note:
I was going to write a nice long note or even a poem but then thought, why. Everyone knows that I loved them and […]
I’m just gonna go curl up in a ball under a blanket in the corner of my bed. If anyone cares to join me, you better bring some chocolate milk and a fucking donut and be prepared to cuddle for a few hundred years because I’ve sprung another leak in my left eye. I’m sick of the appointments. I’m sick of the pain. I’m sick of going through this alone and I Want nothing more than to swallow a fucking bullet… Every conversation with my worthless father is like pouring salt on an open wound. I know I’m not good enough, but can’t we pretend […]
I think tonight should be the night. If not tonight then tomorrow night. Just no more than 48 hours. I have nothing more to give.
I’ve always pictured myself engaging in adventurous, amazing, fun activities before I go. Instead I’m content with watching old movies and listening to old music. (I wish Netflix would work though) The only things that are weighing heavily on my heart at this time are 1. How sorry I feel for my dog. Nobody loves him as much as me so he won’t get as much attention, and also he won’t know why I’m gone. 2. Tremendous guilt. 3. How things […]
There are so many things running through my head i might not make much sense, as I always do whenever I get suicidal. Actually saying that I’m suicidal actually makes me feel real juvenile for some reason, because I keep telling myself that I’m too old to run away from things like this. But truth be told, I’m just really scared of my life turning into nothing and having no point in life. I’m just really scared of my life right now, because I can literally feel it unraveling, because of who I am (and who I am NOT to be more precise).
I’ve always thought […]
I told my parents that I wanted to kill myself today. They forced me to tell them why, it was hard telling them and to be honest I didn’t tell them the whole story. I don’t feel any different, I thought telling them would help but it didn’t. I still want to kill myself. They said we’d talk as a whole family tomorrow but I don’t. I’m really thinking about ending it tonight. I’m in to much pain here, maybe the other wprld will make me feel better.
I am so tired of living this way. I am 29 no job no home. Living with my fiances mother who hates me… I don’t know what to do or where to go… I honestly believe that if I died tonight no one would even shed a tear… they would all party…