It always makes me believe there’s a chance things can work out but I know that’s not true. I get this sudden urge to do things but never really make due. Plan to go out or be sociable but those plans fail and I’m back at square one. Such a false sense of joy because in a few hours or a day and it’ll be gone, just like that. No explanation, no deal I can make to get it back…it does what it wants. It wants to toy with me and it just hurts all too much. If I’m to be miserable why taunt me, […]
Tag:
too much
I never believed when people said cutting was an addiction. But now it’s just not enough. I used to do baby cuts – just little ones – but a few of them at a time. They were small enough to go unnoticed even though I still wear short sleeved clothes. I didn’t want anything to be too obvious to people, but recently I’m noticing the are getting more inflamed and irritated – it kinda stands out too much.
Also I’ll admit I was scared of the pain. Initially that tiny pinprick was enough, but now it doesn’t hurt ENOUGH anymore. I want to cut deeper, but […]
I am not smart, not beautiful or pretty, have spent my whole life in a little black isolated hole which I cannot seemed to climb out of … my life is a huge black pit of depression and sadness and pain and I don’t know how to escape. When I was nine I was raped for three years by my brother, I’ve been cutting for ever since… I’m 17 now. I have no friends… No one who loves me for me…. I spend all my time watching time pass me by because I just have no power of what to do. I hope and pray […]
I don’t think things could be much worse,
My “life” is a curse.
I wear these cross earrings and necklace to feel closer to God,
But I don’t deserve to–I’m such a fraud.
I’ll try my best,
To not make too much of a mess. Father’s day is coming soon, I don’t want to make it to then, I want to be with the moon.
God blessed me with life, And I’ve wasted all 16 years, I‘ll soon face my final […]
I wake up lonely and go to bed terrified. Complex ptsd is something nobody understands nor wants to. I hate taking meds and wondering what it will do to me. I am isolated living here yet triggered by the people around me. Lately I feel like I’m going insane. Too much rage and torment, self-blame, for years. Too much. Nobody is here. My therapist hasn’t called back, the clinic hasn’t called back, I feel like a discarded person. I left the church since nobody there cared either. The neighbors help superficially but not for friendship. I made a new friend but an old one I […]
I just had a massive fight with my family. Its my finals week and last terms finals week my dad asked me if I could stay at someone else’s house. This time I asked my dad “is your offer still valid” and he said yes. I was packing and my mother came and started screaming. She said i humiliated her in every term of my life and told me to fuck off. We are always fighting and they are always saying bad words. Okay I accept that I am a pain in the ass when it comes to school but thats too much for me. […]
I don’t want to hurt my family, but I am in too much pain to carry on. I was never meant for this world. I feel so alone and lost. I just want my soul to be forever free.
Color influences perceptions that are not obvious, such as the taste of food. Colors can also work as placebos by having the color of pills be certain colors to influence how a person feels after taking them. For example, red or orange pills are generally used as stimulants. Another way in which colors have been used to influence behavior was, in 2000, when the company Glasgow installed blue street lights in certain neighborhoods which resulted in a reduced crime rate. For example, males reported that red colored outfits made women seem more attractive, while women answered that the color of a male’s outfit did […]
It’s funny the things that push you to the edge. I write on here just in case I have the strength to leave for good and someone will find this to get answers on why I would have done what I did. I haven’t felt the need to leave in a long time. I thought I was doing so good. Things were looking up. Just slightly. At least enough for me to only contemplate it once in awhile. Have you guys ever read Thirteen Reasons Why? I read it way too much. I get lost into it. I get lost on the idea of leaving […]
There are so many things that I have trouble discussing. I find the most indirect and vague way imaginable to get my point across so I don’t have to say it. I guess this is just another one of those things. Its funny how a moment can change..
His fingers find my face
A soft and gentle touch
My heart begins to race
His presence is too much
I melt into his palm
He slowly pulls me in
I try to keep calm
But a transformation begins
His hands turn to ice
His nails pierce my skin
Darkness fills his eyes
And takes him from within
My […]
I think it’s sad when you learn you finally love someone.. that would be my father. I have taken him for granted, but yet again he doesn’t have a clue what it’s like to suffer with depression and anxiety. I can never talk to him. Before I was token away, I was daddies little girl.. no matter what he has done to my family or my mom. We’ve separated so much through the years.. I cant just go speak to him about it, it’s different..
I honestly don’t feel like anybody is listening.. but I like the thought. Done posting for tonight, I post too much.
What does it take?
I did everything like i was supposed to. I got myself alone, away from others and made sure help just couldn’t arrive in time. But I couldn’t do it.
I stuffed the barrel of the shotgun into the back of my throat bit down on the barrel and pushed the trigger.I tried and nothing. A three year old could make that gun go off, why not me!? Few days later I stood on dam in a city far from my own. It was way past midnight, no one was around. I stood there. and couldn’t do it.Couldn’t take one damned step into the […]
You know that old saying “don’t surround yourself with shitty people”
I feel bad for being in someone else’s company. I feel sorry for them as they have to put up with my presence. I don’t say much, but then try to make up for it and say too much. I go on about shit and cringe in my mind, asking myself “why the fuck did you just say that just shut the fuck up”
But then I hate being left alone with my own mind. Shits pretty scary and fucked up in there.
The truth is, I don’t want to surround people with myself, because I’m a really shitty […]
It makes me very sad thinking about dying, but it makes me even more sad thinking about carry on surviving this life day after day… I can’t deal anymore with this pain, pain for the things I lost (my love, my family, my self esteem, my happiness) and pain for the regret that it was all my fault. It was all my fault and I could have avoided it easily. I am just weak and unwise.
The things that is stopping me from ending this agony are the consequences for those who will stay. How can I do something like that to my family? I already […]
I keep having dreams where she kills herself, and I wake up feeling as if the world had ended. The crushing weight and anxiety on my chest is too much to bear. Seeing her alive and well makes everything better and soon I forget the dreams but then they come again and I see her, then I wonder for how long all of this will last before the dreams come true, it would kill me. I dint want to even think about it but in trapped in this cycle now
Half an hour and I’ll be 25.
Anything could happen tomorrow. Will anyone put some light in my life? I hope so, I’m kind of confident that good things will happen. But I know what happens when you expect too much for your birthday.
Oh, there’s also that… tomorrow will have past a year since the last message I received from my dad. Will he at least let me know that he’s alive? If he does, will he be nice, or just as asshole as he was last year?
I’m not secure anymore. My walls were supposed to keep me safe and yet I find I crash and burn. He wasn’t supposed to hurt me. Fathers shouldn’t do that. The abuse, the bullies, the torture…. It’s all too much. I’m not sure how much more I can take
It’s like my mind is clogged with overwhelming thoughts and feelings. It’s never small things either, it’s like my mind is trained to force questions upon myself like “Why am I alive” and “What’s really the point to all of this”. I feel so alone, I have few friends and none of them understand what it’s like to wake up and wish you were dead. (I’m pretty sure that’s a song lyric)
I never talk to anyone other my psychologist about how I feel, I’ve tried before and I just get judged and put down. People think I’m an attention whore if my sleeve slips up […]
I bottled it last time. Something stopped me. I hope I have more courage this time. The thing that stopped me last time is gone now. No more. Destroyed. Just like I destroy everything. I don’t feel now which is a blessing. I really can’t take anymore. If I’m lucky by this time tomorrow I will have found peace. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. All I do is destroy. I’m selfish and difficult and I hurt people. I don’t mean to but my very existence, by being what I am hurts those around me. It’s better that I go. I want to […]
My life has finally come crashing down once again. So much has happened in the last 48hrs, too much to handle, and it’s too late to fix anything. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I fucked up. In so so many ways I have fucked up. 48hrs is so short, but trust me, I’m too late.