so, i’m new here. (duh) i have had mental health issues since as far back as i can remember. (i am 30 years old) i never recieved any treatment for any of it until i was 16. between 16 and 18 i was in and out of the adolescent psych ward. as an adult i’ve been able to talk myself out of being placed inpatient all except for once. i’ve been in multiple programs (partial hospitalization programs, intensive outpatient programs, outpatient groups, –for an eating disorder and others for depression\anxiety– and of course individual therapy) and the groups helped…as long as i was in them. […]
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I feel like I’m different .
I don’t have an opinion on anything . Nor do I have a passion. I’m not good at anything . Not having a opinion for anything is boring .I’m so fucking bored.
And I’m tired . I had a short class today before the holidays and i got home at 10 and slept until now (7pm) I’m debating whether or not to sleep again. I can feel my eyes drooping.
I just hate that I feel like I don’t feel for anything and I feel nothing . & these thoughts make me feel like a looser .
I can’t even explain […]
It’s been a week since I decided to tidy up my life and then leave.
its been a mixed week since. Stress like hell at work, but at least no conflict. A few nice thing like a dinner with my best friends, a Christmas dinner with my work colleagues ( who are all really nice), a beautiful moment with my son. I’ve got a gorgeous little pet parrot, and she’s very affectionate, and just about jumps out of her skin with excitement and joy when I come home from work
Yet the the pain does not relent. Even when I was with my lovely friends, I was […]
Today Im on lunch and i get a picture message on instagram from an ex showing my gf on her exs page. Earlier saturday I brought up the fact she hasnt been talking to me for a while as she has been. we used to call every night and until saturday we barely called once a week so i knew something was up. then the last pic showed her on oovoo with her ex when she stated she hated oovoo. for 8 months we dated i spent about 700 dollars on her(I calculated) for her to leave me for a “gangsta”. I told the guy […]
ok, this should defo be my my last week, days just get worse, i will keep posting until then
Well, here I go. I quit my job of 15yrs back in May, withdrew what I had in my retirement account. I have been living off of that the last 6months. I can survive another 19 months or so without finding a job. I have found jobs here and there but quit if I just did not like it. My background is in customer service and my last job was working for the local government. I was a supervisor and did not want that responsibility anymore. Most prospective employers pass me by because of my experience and think I would not take the pay cut. I […]
Sitting alone
In this empty room
Crying tears from the pit of,my doom
I promised before that I would stop
But the pain of my heart just ignores that stop.
Holding that razor in my hand,
Is the only way I can feel safe
In this land.
Heartless
Worthless
Mantra I say in my head,
no one will love you,
She says.
Blood streams down
down my leg
weight is lifted.from.my head
Just cut,
Deeper and deeper until
Yes I can feel no more pain.
My eyes close and
there is no more room for me to stay
Anyone ever feel the urge to just walk into the mountains and see how far you can go until you collapse?
I had several really good days.. Until last night
Today is another day, I can’t shut my brain off, the thoughts circling around in my head I want to die.
Why don’t I just end it because I know how this works, I have a few good days and then they turn bad, very bad. I feel like the good days aren’t even worth living anymore because I never know when my mind is going to switch. I hate everything. I hate living like this. This isn’t a life, it’s just full of pain.
Well-qualified and unwanted.
No one needs me to exist.
Why do I exist?
I let the days go by.
Sometimes I am hopeful.
Sometimes I give up.
The result is the same.
I let the days go by.
Until one of these days…
How is it going to end? I do not know.
When I reminisce,
And measure out my past,
I see that I am unwanted.
That no one needs me.
No one wants to need me.
I am avoidable and avoided.
I count the number of years,
How long this misery has resounded.
And the one clarity arises:
I do not want this to continue.
It is the most awful and sad sound.
The last few days have been the worst in a while. He doesn’t like my scars and said its a deal breaker if I cut again. he doesn’t like me smoking or drinking. he hates that suicide crosses my mind every day. ive been so depressed, and I am forbidden from using my coping strategies. I tied myself a noose last night, just in case. I held the blade against my skin and managed to resist slicing. I beat myself with a belt tonight to try and feel something again. He doesn’t like how skinny I am, even though ive put on 5lb for him […]
She stands there as the wind blows past her face. The rush of the air is nothing compared to that of her heart. Does this really excite her? Standing here as the world rushes by her, and thinking that if she took that step this could all end. Oh, she’s “okay” nothing terribly terrible’s happened to her recently and she has school and that lovely man waiting at home for her every night. So why does she stand here? Why do these demons infest her? Why is it that she can’t seem to stay happy anymore, or just get up and work. She knows what […]
I don’t have anything new to say and I’m not looking for any advice… I feel like I’m posting too much. I just needed to write.
Hope everyone is doing okay today. Feel free to skip over my post and rant about it in the comments if you’re not.
Earlier my mum said she feels like she hardly sees me, because she’s been out a lot. I said it isn’t ideal that I’m spending so much time in the house, but it’s okay, I’m fine… I’m starting to realise how severely it’s affecting me.
It has its upsides. I’ve been in more pain lately, but it often disappears […]
I see a psychologist once a week, usually on Thursdays. By Wednesday i usually feel like I’m going to implode, the pain is starting to strangle me. But come Thursday as I’m driving to the office, I relax a little. I know in a few minutes I’ll be okay is this overstuffed chair, telling him my distorted truths. I worry I’m dependent on him, he calls it a cathartic release. There is always another way to say something so that I sound less fucked up. I only tell him the truth, I tried once with my husband and he was so scared, he just couldn’t […]
Hey folks, look to the sky, that bird floating above the clouds is the divine seagull. These graceful fliers may look unphased by the troubles of life, but wait until they touch down, and it’s a different story. When you see one on the ground they’ll usually be in tatters from having to fend off and procure food from their hostile and greedy friends. It could make anyone think they ended up that way from tumbling down in a near deadly crash. Alas, life in the dirt is rough, we get up, we fight, we stay up, we fight, every once in a while we […]
These past few months have been hell, i moved out from my dads place after having my baby to live with my mom hoping things would be better with her and they were for a year. Until she and i got into a fight, over my boyfriend. She was right, i was a prick but things were never the same after that, we fought a lot. Up until the point where she started demanding rent, got a job but i wasnt able to.keep it because of my anxiety amd depression. My mistake. Fast foward, she called the police on me after my sister (18), and […]
unfortunatly I don’t gave the money to get a cab or pay for it. My aunt is gonna allow me to get drinks on Friday. At least I’m lucky in that reguard. This is the last two weeks of my life, I wanna get drunk and pop pills ya know. I wanna be freed up to do what ever the heck I wanna do until the time comes. Don’t know how I’m gonna sneak vodka into the house. Guess I’d have to put it in my underwear as silly as that sounds as long as the bottle can fit. Guess for now I’ll stick to popping […]
Ever had memories so intense that you just wanna bang your head against the fn wall until they go away?
by wndozh8er
written by wndozh8er
i remember in school, I had a couple times when girls pretended to like me and than made fun of me with there friends the next day. I remember this one was wanting to meet me at the park. Ha never happened.
The reason I brought this up is because that’s exactly what happened to me yesterday but over the fn Internet. I just wanna get all these memories out of my head. One tragedy always leads to existential breakdowns with me. Alcohol, pills, there only temporary. Death is forever.
I hate roller coasters…..the rides and the emotional ones. I want this fucking shit to just stop. […]
I keep spinning back to the darkness. I have one good day and then cycle down to the lowest low. I KNOW I should be seeing a therapist but there is no money for such luxury. I am intensely jealous of all the people in my life who do not work – have not worked for years – and they have shrinks. They see doctors. They have every medication under the sun to even them out. What’s my med? I get to fake it. That’s my med. I get to wake up every day and go to work and be nice and friendly and productive. […]