I am lonely.
Mostly on days like today. I feel so completely alone though I am surrounded by so many people. So many people who might care, if I told them that is. But the thing is, even though I am surrounded by caring people, none of them notice.
Some days I get asked a simple question, “Are you okay?” and I know that I should quit lying. I should stop pasting on a smile and giving them some bullshit answer such as “I’m fine,” or on days I can barely muster that smile, “I’m just tired,”. As if lying to everyone around me will […]
Tag:
voice
I am neither a black or white sheep, in terms of how extreme a person I am.
White sheep are the normal people, who have their daily struggles but usually they come out on top. Some of them have a good life, some of them bad – but most have a life that they feel is fulfilling and meaningful – spouse, house, career, car, kids – it’s all been done before but doing it yourself feels so different. You make your own life and you are relatively content, maybe even happy. Maybe a few bad thoughts now and then, when it gets to the lowest point […]
I’m 16…..I’ve tried to kill myself 6 times this year, each time i tried something has stopped me. after the second time i told a teacher, she then helped me tell my dad, and from there i went to a psychologist, got diagnosed with depression, and got medication….
it hasn’t helped. i still want to die, still feel like crap every single day….i was going to kill myself last night….
But some stupid little voice in my head remindede of my best friend, who has told me that she would miss me if i died -she’s the only one…
i hate living, its so pointless…
sorry for […]
While I was watching this : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2vg62IuG34
My brain said out of nowhere, “I don’t want to die.” Like, my legit inner voice said that after watching that old man fight “the angel of death”.
Can you believe that? And any other given day, and even today, I don’t care if I live or die. Seriously brain?
I made it through the night,
Even though my ghosts were screaming at me and so was the baby.
Even though I listened to the voice inside rant and rave about all my flaws until sleep surrounded me.
Even though I cried until there was nothing left.
Even though my dreams brought misery instead of release.
Even though that knife sang to me a song of salvation.
Even though there was no one here to stop me if I’d tried.
Does anyone ever have the feeling that suicide is just a bad day away?
Sometimes it’ll hit at the weirdest moments, like I’ll be re-edging a knife and once it’s sharp enough to shave hair my mind will skip a beat and suddenly I’m imagining what it would be like to just slice open an artery with it. Not the wrists (too cliche, and I feel it would take too long…plus they can cut the bleeding off at the wrists if they find you in time), like the neck or under the armpit somewhere that’ll bleed quick and can’t be undone. It scares the hell out […]
Im screaming
Darkness is consuming me
No one hears my cries
“Your fat”
“Your ugly”
“No one loves you”
“Your a mistake”
I cover my ears
Shut my eyes
Trying to draw away the voice
“No that’s not true!”
I would yell at the voice
“My family, My friends, My boyfriend LOVE ME”
I scream in agony
“Its pity love,
Family are supposed to love you ,
Your friends wear a mask,
You boyfriend doesn’t want to hurt you”
I slowly opened my eyes
I saw a shadowy figure stand before me
Black as night
Embrace me
It whispered
“Shhhhh, im here for you”
I slowly open my eyes and look at it
It kisses me
I feel all my emotions go into that kiss
It looks at me with a satisfied expression
“The contract […]
She speaks to me
All the things I want to hear
In an angels voice, too soft to be real
Amazing grace, from times that stand still
In my mind
Can I keep this for all time, she asked, when I said yes
And she claimed..
Then again..then again, there might be something more. And I can’t only stop and stand. I have to leave the life I know.
I cried out for heaven’s hold. Please take me away, oh lord. I’m ready, willing. These days grow old. A breeze pushed me over. I looked up to god in vein..and said..
Then again…then again, it’s […]
Well, I’m starting Prozac.
Can you OD on it? Maybe that’ll be a good thing to stack up with my Klonopin, Zoloft, Seroquel, and capsule full of Benadryl/whatever other kind of headache medicine I found in the kitchen (if I do decide to OD…I’m iffy about that type of exit). Although since I’m stopping those two drugs and only taking Klonopin as needed, if I were to take a bunch at once maybe it’ll be a complete shocker to my system. Then again, I seem to be unaffected by meds half the time so I’m probably going to fail in an OD attempt.
I’m so frustrated with my […]
You just stood there screaming
Fearing no one was listening to you
They say the empty can rattles the most
The sound of your voice must soothe you
Hearing only what you want to hear
And knowing only what you’ve heard
You you’re smothered in tragedy
You’re out to save the world
You still stood there screaming
No one caring about these words you tell
My friend before your voice is gone
One man’s fun is another’s hell
These times are sent to try men’s souls
But something’s wrong with all you see
You you’ll take it on all yourself
Remember, misery loves company
I suffer from depression, paranoia and loneliness, I really hate this life I lead,
there just seems no point to it, why do others have lives that they enjoy while I
struggle to get my backside out of bed each day. I dislike confident people most,
those who push themselves forward at the expense of others, I’m being swamped by them,
my voice drowned out. This guy at work is like those people, he thinks he’s so great,
always talking about himself and his wonderful life, I’m sure he talks about me to his
mates behind my back. I wish, and I may be pushing […]
i realize a lot of you on this site are young so my experiences will not compute. but if you are female and live to see your 40s this is what you can look forward to. i have suffered from severe clinical depression most of my life-all of my adult life. so the next kick in the ass i am experiencing is the run up to menopause. which in itself can cause depression. hormones running amok , thyroid problems, weight gain the laughs just keep coming. which is why my thoughts are running to the dark side these days . that little voice that tells […]
Dance of love,
voice above
voice under,
voice of thunder,
speak from
the distant clouds,
voice of passion,
voice of life,
speak from
the silent memory,
sweet intertwine,
whisper beauty,
dance into
our lush green garden.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shdiTRxTJb4
One was watching the other day a red-tailed hawk, high in the heavens, circling effortlessly,
without a beat of a wing, just for the fun of flying, just to be sustained by the air-currents.
Then it was joined by another, and they were flying together for quite a while;
they were marvellous creatures in that blue sky,
and to hurt them in any way is a crime against heaven.
Of course there is no heaven; man has invented heaven out of hope, for his life has become a hell,
an endless conflict from birth to death, coming and going, making money, working endlessly.
This life […]
Drowning in the despair of my mind,
peace of soul I cannot find.
Demons are raging inside of me,
break my cage and set me free.
Trapped in a vicious game called life,
Sending only pain, loss, and strife.
Maybe one day I can leave this place,
I will be gone, without a trace.
I have no one to leave behind,
free of the war inside my mind.
We wanted to live not suffer,
All our hopes and dreams were smothered.
We’re all living, quietly bleeding,
suffering here, painfully breathing.
Nothing to live for, nothing to lose,
years and years of constant abuse,
All […]
I started cutting a year ago in March when it happened. I was having a sleepover with my two friends Kiaya and Amanda. We all slept in my bed which was big enough to fit all of us. I was in the middle. I woke up in the middle of the night to whispers from Kiaya. She was talking from the perspective of a guy towards me in a seductive way. I didn’t do anything about it because I wasn’t sure what was happening. That’s when she leaned in and kissed me when my eyes were closed. She stole my first kiss, but that was […]
“I loved you. I still do.” Tears run down her face and drop from her cheeks. She looks at the lifeless body, the closed eyes and takes one hand, as she used to. It feels cold and limp. “Do you remember as a child, when you came running towards me, jumped on my lap and gave me long hugs whenever I wasn’t feeling well? Now, when I need you the most, you are not even here to hold my hands.” Her voice was weak and she stuttered, but she knew he could hear her. It was then when she noticed how peaceful he looked, as […]
in my city we have a high level bridge i planned to get drunk cause i don’t think i could jump off if i was sober. i had my friends with me and we sat underneath passing around the bottle. at the end of the night i was trying to save them from falling on their faces i had a chance to leave them there and climb up on the bridge and jump. but i couldn’t. instead i took half a bottle of clonazepams fell asleep listening to music dozed off and in my head im like, “this is it, finally”. i was feeling releived… […]
Love me Sweet, with all thou art,
Feeling, thinking, seeing;
Love me in the lightest part,
Love me in full being.
II
Love me with thine open youth
In its frank surrender;
With the vowing of thy mouth,
With its silence tender.
III
Love me with thine azure eyes,
Made for earnest grantings;
Taking colour from the skies,
Can Heaven’s truth be wanting?
IV
Love me with their lids, that fall
Snow-like at first meeting;
Love me with thine heart, that all
Neighbours then see beating.
V
Love me with thine hand stretched out
Freely — open-minded:
Love me with thy loitering foot, —
Hearing one behind it.
VI
Love me with thy voice, that […]
She’s right, whatever her name is
We had a deal.
I hid from the pain
And she took my place.
What if I don’t want to be numb anymore?
What if i’m tired of not feeling anything?
No happiness,
No sadness,
Nothing at all.
She was my shield for many years
She protected me from the horrors of this world
Now I relieve her from her post,
But she doesn’t want to go.
She clings on to me
I can find no way to get her out of my head
“Fat”, “ugly”, “worthless”, “useless”
She knows all my weaknesses and faults
And all she does is point them out.
She moves my arms and legs sometimes
I’m her puppet.
No matter how hard I try […]