I cut too

I started cutting a year ago in March when it happened. I was having a sleepover with my two friends Kiaya and Amanda. We all slept in my bed which was big enough to fit all of us. I was in the middle. I woke up in the middle of the night to whispers from Kiaya. She was talking from the perspective of a guy towards me in a seductive way. I didn’t do anything about it because I wasn’t sure what was happening. That’s when she leaned in and kissed me when my eyes were closed. She stole my first kiss, but that was just the beginning of what she took. During the night she stuck her hand up my shirt and touched me while whispering,”I like your boobs.” She tried to open up my legs but I didn’t let her, so she just touched my butt. She also humped me and nibbled on my ear. I did absolutely nothing at all while she did this throughout the night, and I still don’t know why. I didn’t like it. I was praying to God to just let me die right then so I wouldn’t have to bear anymore, and yet I was too afraid to tell her to stop myself. I could’ve done something to save myself, but I didn’t. Also, a couple months ago Kiaya’s mother, brothers, and grandpa died in a fire. I don’t know how I should feel about that. I am fourteen now, and I still believe it’s my fault that she did that to me. Cutting is my way of punishing myself for being so weak. It also brings me back to the physical world when her voice overtakes my mind. I’ve tried to stop cutting, but I can’t. I need help. Please if anyone can help me I would be so grateful. My name is Bre. <3