Today was very rough. Perhaps one of the worst days I’ve ever had. Suddenly I just knew I am going to kill myself. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week, but it WILL happen. It’s like it’s set in stone. I found myself planning dates, letters, locations, everything…I cried and cried. I kept trying to tell myself “No, I don’t want this!” But the voice in my head, some kind of demon that possessed me just laughed. I could literally feel me, pathetic little me, begging for this entity to leave me, to let me rest and be happy. But it just laughed and […]
Tag:
Voices
I’m not telling anyone anything, so it’s ok…
But basically i had never really thought of it before, I see things and hear voices. It’sdeveloped more recently, I see myself. Something has happened to me and i see how people try to help me… And i hear voices. They tell me things. They make scary predicitions.
It usually only happens when i’m alone, rarely when I’m with someone…
What’s wrong with me?
For the past 2 years, I’m 14 by the way, I’ve been dealing with depression. Major depression. I remember even when I was 12, when everything started- there would be voices in my head that called me so many things that it would be impossible to get them out. Even with counseling, no matter what I poured out it was never enough. There was this big empty gap in my soul and every second, every minute, and every hour of my life it would just keep getting bigger. Last year, I found myself completely gone. I went hysteric and I tried to commit suicide. The […]
What will it take to show you that it’s not the life it seems (I’m not O.K)….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
I told him, about my thoughts. Naturally he didn’t want me to do it. He just surprised me with his kindness.
So… Anyway. Life is shit. Only 21 days now? sweet, I can’t fucking wait. I’m sick of this life and this family and all of the arguements. My brother is a selfish prick, my sister is a *****, My mum just fucks me off all the time… And my dad. Bless him, trying to help but really, he was just making things worse. He shouldn’t blame himself though. I have found out how to cause bruises! 😀 which is amazing as they are easy to […]
I saw the mist that day and it entranced me.
I went in not because I chose to be different, or I chose to be something else; I consciously was drawn to it, the mystique, the vapor, the aroma.
I left the group and went down the misty path. I loved it. Everything around me swelled up and was lost. Slowly I lost sight of where I came from. I wondered where I was going, who I was going to meet in this mist.
The beads of water fell onto my face. The cold bit my nose ever so gently, the air was lively and dark. The lights […]
i’ve stopped wanting to get better, this thing has a mind of its own. just a few weeks ago i could see half-way clear trying to get ahead of it..then the voices got in, i kept trying to push them away, it got more and more and then they wouldn’t shut up at all..now i stopped existing and everything i do or think is directed at finding loopholes in this absurd ‘you shouldn’t kill yourself’ bullshit..i don’t even self-medicate, i’ve checked out completely, don’t feel anything, don’t want anything except to not be. i’m too full of people, too full of memories, too full of […]
I’m almost ready. ready for the pain to end, even if it takes more pain. I wrote a suicide letter a goodbye.I have problems if I killed myself i would be doing the world a favor one less messed up person for people to look at and wonder what I’m like. Who I am. Everyone judges people. And in this world that’s all I am to most people. I was  abused. It changes a person getting slapped for not eating. Getting kicked for crying. Getting my head slammed into a  wall because I couldn’t stop crying. It was like that every day . I have problems. They are clear to […]
I live in a world where i am always unhappy. my grades are slipping and my parents yell all the time now or ignore me. My brother is their favorite they would give him the world if they could. But to them im just that other kid who was raised by baby sitters until the age of 10. I get bullied at school. I try to hide my depresion so i fit in. Iguess i’m pretty good at hiding it too. For a while nobody knew the dark cloud that surrounded my mind. i first thought about suicide when i was about 8 years old. […]
• I’ve had insomnia for about 7 years now. No pills taken. Sometimes 2 or 3 hours sleep at night (nightmares definitely)
• Mood swings
• Can’t stay in a relationship (one person around all the time makes me anxious and hysterically angry after a while, specially after having sex)
• Anger attacks since I was a teenager
• Used to smoke for about 5 years (I suddenly couldn’t stand its smell, so quit a year ago)
• Been suicidal for a year (no attempts yet but been studying and planning, considering my options) the thoughts become stronger when I’m happier and everything is in its place
• Used to have hallucinations […]
I just took a dump and the empty feeling usually last for a solid 10 minutes, so ten minutes of bliss to get all of this out.
I decided yesterday to quit smoking and masturbating, to go back to who I was 3 years ago. I’ve an active imagination and I view my mind as a cockpit. There are voices about but for the most part, my pilot is in control. 3 years and I thought I was in control, but little did I know that my pilot was actually my lizard brain. 3 years spent on myself, finding pleasure, “finding myself”. All that happened though […]
Sleep…I remember those days when i was able to fall asleep..listening to his breathing. Those days when Skye would lay next to me and her body would keep me warm. Those same days when i had no choice but to drift into a deep sleep because hanging out with my friends…and him…would tire me out. Sleep…sly sleep..escapes me now. Leave me with nightmares still…fully awake. I see their faces. I hear their voices…i smell them..just like in the dreams that once brought me joy. Without sleep…without them…those memories become nightmares..and daymares..and thoughts of suicide..but it isnt suicide..its eternal sleep. As I type she lies beside me…but i […]
Just saying, but I never really was into poetry. I’m sorry if I say things wrong, have horrible grammar or any other mistakes as I am currently high on weed.
Now then, with that cleared up, I’d like to bring back what I might talk about right now. I am absolutely in love for my cousin and want to be with her. My friend finally hooked me up with the hubby bars I wanted as you can see. I hate the poetry on here.
Since weed is considered a truth serum (used in the 1920’s by cops on mobsters to find all the drug […]
I have no happiness anymore. I have no motivation. No attention to school. No reason to live. This is my lowest point, and I can’t feel better. I just absolutely lost the will. My mind is filled with thoughts on life and a constant need to figure out the meaning of life. I guess I need to be high in order to be normal and to function. My cousin Jasmine and I haven’t seen each other in a long while. I am still in love, but love isn’t the meaning of life so there goes my will, especially since she’s my cousin so I can’t […]
I have a feeling I won’t live much longer and the pain of having to sit and watch the delusions and hallucinatins and the bad dreams all telling me that something bad is going to happen and that I’m going to die.. I can’t stand it anymore I just want to end it to stop the constant torture of the voices and just end it sooner then they expect..
ppl its been so long since iv actually written something.
nothing has really changed in my life except dat it gets worse and i keep on sinking deeper and deeper into this dark hole, im so tired of all these emotions. Iv been going to church alot lately but when i get home i go back to the same old darkness and neverending pain. i cant stand this pain no more. i have nothing left to lose and its not like anyone really cares or truly loves me and it will be best if i just left dis world.
i thought it will get better with time […]
There are words, tons of words that don’t make sense
There are voices, notes and music in silence
There are memories, lost and cherished, forgotten and found
There are sounds, so many sounds
There are colors, shades and tones in darkness
There is hunger, biting and knawing, completely obsessed
There are scratches and beautiful art between the lines
There are scars in my mind
There are songs on an ordinary day
There is darkness, bitter jealousy bleeding in gray
There are tangled knots in the blue skies
There are scattered pieces in my mind
In my mind
Flowers bloom and never fade or die
In my mind
It […]
When you first get on to this site, they send you to the read this first page, then to [http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/]
That site recommends that you talk to someone, anyone. A hotline, a friend, family member, or religious member…
But what happens when you’re too afraid to call, or don’t have access to a phone when you are ready to turn the switch?
what happens when you’re too young to feel so old and no family member wants to even acknowledge you’re their vicinity when you’re depressed?
what happens when the man you’re in love with is too controlling and you’re not allowed to even have a friend […]
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