i’ve stopped wanting to get better, this thing has a mind of its own. just a few weeks ago i could see half-way clear trying to get ahead of it..then the voices got in, i kept trying to push them away, it got more and more and then they wouldn’t shut up at all..now i stopped existing and everything i do or think is directed at finding loopholes in this absurd ‘you shouldn’t kill yourself’ bullshit..i don’t even self-medicate, i’ve checked out completely, don’t feel anything, don’t want anything except to not be. i’m too full of people, too full of memories, too full of disgust, too full of every conscious second i spent in this ridiculous world. life’s a sick joke.
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I get where your coming from, I sort of feel something similar. I’ve pretty much given up on trying to get better. And i feel like i’m just here im not really alive and i hate that. I hate that im left stuck here with all the memories and all the numbness. I don’t really have any words of advice but i sympathize with how you feel.
who knows, maybe they come up with drugs at some point that do something besides after years of guinea-pigging, offering faint relief, end up laughing in your face..could also happen that adults who’ve been diagnosed with chronic mental illnesses can decide for themselves if they wish to live with it or not, without public condemnation…and who knows, maybe i can stick it out and see it happening. maybe you can, too.
Look up F.S. Perl’s breathing technique. Best to lose your mind and come to your senses….wiggle toes and fingers….breathe cold air through nose and warm air out (like Darth Vader…lol)…it helps me all the time. You will find it calms you. If anything do that, because then you don’t need to engage the mental chatter in your head and it will ground you. Good luck!