i feel so empty and broken. i dont like seeing so many people so hurt. i try to help but i feel like im doing nothing. i just for once in my life want to be there for someone. im so alone no one trusts me pr accepts me.
want
I ran out of a burger shop last night. I was all set to gorge on some grade “A” Canadian ANGUS beef, but then I saw that the cashier I (kinda) like was working that day. She smiled and waved at me, even though I was all the way at the back of the line, and so I freaked and got out of there. I’d love to take her out, but I’ll never have the courage for anything more than nervous small talk, with her or with anyone; I’ve only ever dated girls I met online. Not like it matters anyway since I’m such a […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Waiting… for someone
Waiting… for some time
Waiting.. Waiting.. why?
Always waiting for things to ‘get better’
Time to ‘feel better’
Better has eluded me for 30 years now –
I think that 30 years is far too long to wait.
I just want to close my eyes and be gone.
Endless waiting vs. endless sleep?
I choose endless sleep
And just when you find a flicker of hope,
you realize all you saw, was a reflection in
the mirror, a glimmer now gone, so too is my resolve
When you constantly think about suicide you start to recognize the signs of others who are thinking about it. You notice they mimic some of the things you do. When you’re thinking about self harm and you tug at your sleeves and close your eyes to try and stop thinking about letting blood come from your arms. Or when you play with your necklace trying not to think of it as a noose. You notice when others cringe and close their eyes. When they hold back their tears because no one really cares about what’s going on. We notice but we never really try to […]
Even when I was on the brink of killing myself, when all I wanted to do was rip my skin apart and die, I never missed an assignment, or failed to sit through a two-hour-long lecture, even when I couldn’t breathe because of panic attacks. I never once missed a training session or a competition even though I could not stop coughing because of pneumonia. Even when I was burning at a high fever, I never even thought about my own health when I was staying up late to type an essay. I didn’t mind driving myself crazy wondering whether or not my essay was […]
I hurt so badly. I miss her so much but I can never speak to her again. It is forbidden. I just want to talk with her. But, it is pointless.
I feel much more comfortable during night time, I don’t know why exactly. It is silent outside, I don’t have anything that I have to do, just sitting in front of the computer doing one or the other of the many things computers let you to do. Of course it is just an escape from my mind and thoughts, but it is a good feeling. Night is almost over though. I wish the night never ended, that relaxed/relieved feeling never ended. I hope tomorrow won’t be a bad day…
Every now and then i think i should just remove myself from the lives of everyone i could possibly influence. Sometimes i think of ending my life, other times I think of disappearing.
I think im here for the anonymity of this forum. I dont talk to anyone about how i feel because that is useless. If they dont have the same feelings then they cant understand and i imagine i would be even more of a burden then.
I also dont want anyone to call a shrink because im “suicidal”. That wouldnt help… at all. Im not the guy who sits in a quiet […]
I miss her daily. Not sure why I keep checking up on this account. It helps me a little but I just want her back.
I’m the past hour alone I’ve cut myself nine times. I’m only doing this to stop a tenth. Or an eleventh. To stop myself until I go somewhere I can’t come back from. Because no matter how much I want to die, I don’t want to let everyone around me know how much I hate myself, and how much I hate how they all so fucking perfect.
i want someone to physically wrap their arms round me and hold me. Dont say everything will be okay i need someone to tell me we cant always be strong. I dont have anyone to love or be loved by. My parents dont take my depression and anxiety seriously they think i want attention. i dont want attention i want to be loved but i dont act out to be loved. My attempt was a attepmt but also a test. If i killed myself or atleast attempted i wantd to see who will go out of there way to make sure im okay and make […]
Do you ever feel you don’t belong on this planet? I’m plagued with this idea most days of my life.
I usually feel as though i’m just waiting for the day my mom passes so that I can release myself from this place. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m homesick.
I’m not really sure what I want to say here…I feel like I’m doing better now, I’m out of counseling, back in school, still facing challenges. I’m still trying to be the person I want to be, but I find it difficult since I’m stubborn and always focus on the past, and I still get anxiety around people I don’t know, and I still have vengeance for those who hurt me or are hurting, and I don’t want to be like that… Anyone know good tips or advice to help me be a better compassionate person?
It’s only been a couple of weeks since we stopped talking and it already feels like months. I feel so lonely now, but overall it’s easier this way. I think about the things that happened a bit less all the time, and I’m not waiting for your emails. But I still think about you every day. I miss the things you said so much. I think about everything bad that happened, and all the reasons our relationship was crumbling away, why it ended and why I shouldn’t get back in touch with you. And I remember all the things you said when we first met. […]
God – if you hear me, PLEASE don’t let me wake up again tomorrow – I just want to go away – I can’t do it myself – I’ve tried. Just let me leave this place – alone too long – and that’s the way it will always be – just let me sleep now – no more, no more – please no more
I’m back. It’s been awhile, though little has gotten better.. School is stressing me out, one of my close friends has gone distant, and the cherry on top: my stepdad (the only father I’ve ever had in my life) has Kidney cancer… I tried to tell my friend about it, and she flat out says “I don’t want any bad news.” And I’m dumbfounded, so I apologize.. For trying to tell her something important, what’s wrong with me? And how could a friend be so ignorant to another friend’s problem… Especially one as bad as a family member having cancer. Heh.. It’s easier to tell […]
I’m realizing now; just how many issues I really have. My dad has severed any bond we had built over the past few years. The bond that was so fragile after years of abuse and death threats. He became enraged over a mistake I made that did not affect him. Now, I’ve no family. But I don’t understand why this is affecting me so much now. I’ve never been loved or accepted by my family.
My mother used me as a servant and emotionally manipulated me to do her bidding. My father constantly threatened to murder me and would constantly degrade me. This is your typical […]
i’m recovering. I’m recovering from self harm, and have attempted suicide twice. I’ve been clean for a while. I’m trying so hard. Life just seems to be getting worse and worse. Everywhere I go, I feel so mad and sad and I just want to explode. I’m tired of being hurt. All these people fuck me over. I hate it so much. Is there any true people out there? I’d love to meet someone genuine. Someone who isn’t fake and someone who’s not a liar. Just a true person. I’m so tired of being hurt. I’m trying so hard at school. I’m trying to find […]
years on this bitter, sour soil has taught me x amount of useless information.
1). Some hugs feel like thorns.
2). Most breaths are filled with poison.
It’s a pretty shitty thing to think about the way you want to die, and the need to die and the awful way you joke about it to yr friends, making it seem like a fuhkd up joke but in reality you’re asking for help. They know you’re sick. You know you’re sick. Your therapist knows your sick. Also, do your parents. But no matter how much you fight it seems static and thick. It stays. Unmoving. Instead of getting […]