Every now and then i think i should just remove myself from the lives of everyone i could possibly influence. Sometimes i think of ending my life, other times I think of disappearing.
I think im here for the anonymity of this forum. I dont talk to anyone about how i feel because that is useless. If they dont have the same feelings then they cant understand and i imagine i would be even more of a burden then.
I also dont want anyone to call a shrink because im “suicidal”. That wouldnt help… at all. Im not the guy who sits in a quiet room and lets someone else tell me what is wrong with me. I know whats wrong with me. Im weak…
By weak i mean i cant actually go through with anything. Im not weak for feeling the way i do. That comes with time. Enough shit over the years makes some people just feel this way. I wont call a hotline. I am debating on even finishing this.
The only time i am completely free of all the shit is when im on my bike. I can just cruise and not feel anything other than the wind and the rumble. As soon as i dismount, its all back. Its like im underwater and am only allowed to surface for a brief moment to refill my lungs so i can hurt for longer.
Im pretty good at dealing with pain, but this eats you from the inside out. Its like a disease that your body cant build an immunity to. You think you have it beat then it comes back twice as bad.
This… fucking… sucks…
People call suicide the “easy way out”. Hell, i used to call it that. That was before i had to deal with the resentment. Before the hate. Im not saying that i cant deal with normal people problems. I have great social skills. My problem is that i normally keep everything on myself. I dont want my problem to be a problem for someone else. Im done for now. I cant keep doing this. Ill push the button for this to happen, but i dont know if ill be back to check it. Anyone who reads this, know you are loved. I dont have to know you to love you. I would hug you if you were in front of me. I know it sounds hypocritical, but i mean it. I love you.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
7 comments
Hey, just to let you know I read your post and know exactly how you’re feeling. ‘this eats you from the inside out’ describes it perfectly. I hope you come back. You sound like a great person, and you shouldn’t worry about putting your problems on someone else. Most people would much prefer that than you suffering alone or disappearing/dying.
You are loved too. 🙂
Watch out strangers proclaiming love!! I was with you totally while reading your post. I don’t talk with anyone about my issues. I don’t want to dump my toxic waste into someones life. I won’t see a shrink either. I can deal on my own. I think of suicide and I think of disappearing. Last year I did a bike ride across country, so I know how you feel about cycling. Everyone I met on the road was amazingly friendly and helpful. People offering food, water, their house. I mean..just strangers. The good part about long distance cycling is you don’t form long deep relationships. Ya meet someone, chat and move along to the next town. Very cool. I seem to get into trouble and overthinking when I spend too much time with people. Meet and Move is my new philosophy. Anyway, thanks for loving us!!! Ha!! Whatever love is.
I’m right there with you. I have a lot of problems, but I’m always the one who helps people with theirs. In doing that, I can’t tell anyone about my problems. Now I don’t even want to. No one has ever asked about me, so they don’t even care about my problems anyway. I would never go to a shrink either. I know myself better than anyone else would and I’ve never been very well practiced or skilled in telling people my issues. Plus I’m not a fan of people telling me what’s wrong with me, like I don’t already know I feel like a giant piece of shit.
If you come back, I’m here to talk. 🙂
Keep in mind that there are many people who like to hear your woes. Just knowing that listening to you may have alleviated some of the weight on your shoulders makes us feel good, rather than makes us feel like you’ve dumped your shit on us…I hope you come back.
We love you too.
Thank you for the replies. I hate how these feelings creep up on you. You’re fine and then everything is unbearable. Recently me and my wife went on a 4 day trip and that helped more than I could have imagined. I haven’t had another episode since then, but it has only been a few weeks. I hope I never have another, but I know that won’t happen.
I think what bothers me the most is my laziness. I want to get everything done. I know it needs to be done, but I just can’t make myself do it. It bothers me because I know it disappoints my wife. She would NEVER tell me that it does, but I know it in my heart. I know it’s just me being weak and “giving in” to being lazy, but I honestly can’t help it.
Again, thank you for listening to me. It helps that pee actually want to listen. Where I’m from, this is taboo talk. We ain’t allowed to be this way here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
People*………..