I have many things I’m supposed to be thankful for. A full time job. A roof over my head. I don’t go hungry. A reliable, fuel efficient, comfortable car. Why should I hate my life? I don’t know, but I do. I hate that every plea for company to distract my mind from the negativity that I can’t stop, goes unanswered. I hate that when I vent in the only place I can think of where people I know (facebook) I just get kind words from people who will never actually do anything to help, or I get anger-filled responses that blame me for not […]
Tag:
want
When given a choice to have the best life on earth or not be born at all, what will you choose?
This is a close one for me, but I think I’ll choose not to be born at all. You simply can’t deprive someone of something who is oblivious. On the other hand, once you are here on earth there is bound to be things that you can’t do and can’t have. You can’t break the law or you will go to jail, you can’t do whatever you want in a relationship or you will hurt the other person, and you definitely can’t walk through walls or teleport from one place to another. […]
The world? Getting angrier. Society? Getting shittier. People taking their own lives? Is occurring more and more. And the bullies? They never stop. They continue to bring someone down to their death. Everyone asks me what I want in life… I just simply want to be happy and I want world peace. But the happiness? Can happen. But world peace…. never is going to happen.
First, I fully admit that this is childish and stupid, but it pisses me the hell off, so I’m going to write about it. (In retrospect, I think I got mad about the same thing last year – there’s a fucking suprise.)
Friday was my birthday. As with every other year, no one remembered other than my parents. (Which I am grateful for – they’re getting up there in years and my mom is terminally ill, so it meant a lot.) But, what makes me mad is that I have “friends”. I call these friends, I try to be there, to listen, to help out, etc. […]
Feeling so alone right now. Been a deeper funk than usual the past couple of days and can’t get out of it. I want to be alone but I’m also lonely. I’m just drowning in my thoughts. I can’t shut my brain off. All i want to do is cut.
I don’t know how I ended up here. I had so much “potential.” I was smart, funny and somewhat attractive. Atleast on the outside. I suffer alone, in silence. I go through my day taking care of everyone and everything else while inside the pain is unbearable. On the outside people would say what do I have to complain about? They don’t understand. They see what I allow them to see. I try to compensate for my emotional pain with outward success. The more I hurt the more I try to accomplish. I feel so lost. I have always been expendable to the people that […]
I dont want to die. Really I dont. But the pain is stronger than the will to live. It dominates my thoughts. It wont give me a break. I try to sleep it away, but I cant sleep long enough. Honestly I wish I would never wake up. Maybe if it were as easy as flipping a switch I would turn my life off. What I really want is my happiness. I want my family back. But without them, I am overwhelmed, and I think I have to end.
Just two days ago, my dog had to be put to sleep. As I’m typing this, I should be getting some sleep myself. It’s 1:30am, and I don’t want to, nor can’t I, sleep.
The worst part? He was my only real friend. From the moment I owned him, even to this day, I had, and still have, a grand total of zero human friends.
All my schoolmates did was one of three things: say hello once a month, ignore me, or see how far they could push me, if they could make me snap.
It must have been their favourite game: Push The Freak Until He Breaks. […]
Please, could anyone help? I won’t go into the details our reasons why just yet ( I’m happy to share but I’m a lousy writer and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time ) but my mother is looking for ways to kill herself. there’s a chance it could purely be cathartic, but still. I plan on approaching her about it somehow, but does anyone have any preferred suicide hotlines to suggest? Or maybe online forums? I don’t think she’d like sp…..She may want something for people over 50. I’ve never used a hotline before, but when I talk […]
You’re the most beautiful pain. You’re so cruel and vain. But still, I’d go if you call me, I’d die if you ask me. I’d fight if you want me. I’d do anything for you. I love you more than you could knew. I just wish I have the courage to tell you, what I feel for you. Wish I could tell, how I wish I could erase you, but you’re on my daily thoughts and on my days. That makes it harder to forget. But your such a beautiful pain, that I’d be glad to have you for the rest of my days. […]
I’ve found a recurring theme in myself and other depressed/suicidal people, which I’ve found extremely interesting. You want people close to you, but at the same time, you want them as far away as possible. When I sit alone at lunch, I keep looking at my friends, silently willing them to come over, but at the same time, feeling happy that they stay away. I keep looking at my phone, desperately hoping for a text, glad that it never comes. I want my friends to help me, but then I remember that none of them can. I don’t know, I just think it’s curious.
I thought I was going to bed, but I can’t…
So, I thought… I may rant a bit… you guys can just ignore this if ya want.
But, I don’t know what the kids at the fucking elementary school are teaching my niece and nephew to say, but if I hear the word “puta” one more fucking time I’m going to knock someones teeth down their god damned throat.
It brings up… really… bad… memories for me.
My cousins are fluent in Spanish, and well, the one who raped me… Called me “puta” when I cried about it…
and all I can hear when people say it is their voice, […]
Ultimatum
The Leo, Constellation
Is it the Monarch, Butterfly
This is for me and you too, Oracle
Do you want to assist my path, like warriors
For the healing, pilgrimage
I’ve sought all the possibilities
From the church to, the next
This is it, this is it, collaboration
Fortification, of the golden, Kings and Queens
Do you want to assist my path, like warriors
I’m the only that is so far, away
.
My tears can’t stop falling,
And it feels like dying.
Please someone tell me how to stop loving someone so much. So fucking much. Should I tell him? I don’t want to lose my best friend ever. I’d prefer to be miserable for the rest of my life instead that he stops talking to me and treating me like his best friend.
I don’t know where to begin…but I need to let this out and please, someone tell me what to do. I have survived suicide…and yes, it did get better. So much better that I think I can be happy again. I fell in love and this person loves me a lot too. He is aware of my past and is trying his best to help me since I still have depression and do self-harm. I want to be happy and get on with life. But I just CAN’T…why ? I should be really happy but for some reason I don’t feel anything. I am not […]
so did anyone feel you are live in different world , i mean the way i think and the way other think is just different , i love random thing, i love weird thing, my curiosity is limitless i want to know more and more, but people around me just be like ” dude you are really weird, try be normal like the others , or you are so stupid and what are you doing is useless” and other thing like that , they are bullying me cause of that , iam not super smart or talented man, but i just want to be […]
So this week I went jogging with that girl again and she talked about her studies and that she’s taking a programming course as well. I said if she needed any help she could tell me even though I didn’t think she’d actually take my offer. Today she asked if we could meet up for an hour so I could explain some stuff to her, and in return she said she’d invite me to have lunch with her at some restaurant downtown. We’re gonna meet tomorrow to talk about the programming stuff, and I’m not sure whether she’ll want to go have lunch right after […]
The people on this site are really nice, but when you have a problem, that when you tell someone, no matter how nice they are, they will judge you in disgust and hate you, what do you do? If someone found out, I’d be immediately hospitalized and possibly arrested. I am so scared of being hospitalized again. I was hospitalized once a couple years ago from midnight to 4:30 AM. Worst few hours of my life. Also, I wouldn’t want my family to get upset over this, because I’d just be the family problem again, and if they knew, they’d hate me too. It’s not […]
I wanted to start over in life when i got out of high school but now i noticed i cant wait that long. If i want something i must fight for it, i cant just give up so easily. So today I’ve decided to put my life first for it is more important then getting messed up over things..im going to forget everything, today i am a new person no more crying, no more cutting or hurting myself…high school is where you make memories and thats what im going to do, im going to be myself and not being depressed or down. Its time for […]
Hi, I am a typical high schooler. Im apart of my schools band. I love it at times. In the seventh grade I was bullied to the point of suicidal thoughts. I was put in the hospital. My parents say I only did it for attention. I ddnt. I was really sad and saw no reason tl live. Back in may, I was hospitalized for attempted suicide. I had got in a lot of trouble for something I didnt do. I felt like my parentd hated me. They even asked around for boarding school. They want me to be perfect. Im a teen, I make […]