I have many things I’m supposed to be thankful for. A full time job. A roof over my head. I don’t go hungry. A reliable, fuel efficient, comfortable car. Why should I hate my life? I don’t know, but I do. I hate that every plea for company to distract my mind from the negativity that I can’t stop, goes unanswered. I hate that when I vent in the only place I can think of where people I know (facebook) I just get kind words from people who will never actually do anything to help, or I get anger-filled responses that blame me for not taking control of my life and begging for pity. I don’t want pity. I want equal treatment that I see everyone else gets. People go out and do things, hang out, have fun. The few people I call my “friends” won’t even do that.
I feel like I’m not allowed to express myself and vent, which is quite a problem because I’ve researched emotional suppression and have found it to be extremely detrimental to one’s health. Last night, I pleaded for someone to spend some time with me. The silence convinced me to no longer let my anger and pain affect others. I must be responsible for it. Others shouldn’t suffer just because I suffer.
I feel that I have passed the point of no return in regards that I have been ignored, pushed away, blamed, avoided, ridiculed, humiliated, traumatized so many times now that the pain is too great to vent and receive help from venting. Any further action of “getting things off my chest” would certainly cause mental or emotional harm to those around me. So now, it will all be internalized to protect the people I care about and love.
I don’t know how much longer I can live with this method of shielding others from my pain. I’m afraid that it won’t be long.
I’m tired of the folks who only spend an evening with me once in a blue moon out of pity. I can smell pity. It’s disgusting. I need to be around folks who genuinely value my presence. I don’t want someone’s charity. I need basic human love. Friendship, that’s all.
Years ago, I gave up on finding a boyfriend (yeah, I’m gay.) Then, beyond giving up, I really accepted the possibility of never finding a partner for the rest of my life. Then, I made peace with that acceptance. I then began searching for friends, because I didn’t understand how I could function as an island. Just lately, I have given up on friendship. People are deceitful, back-stabbing, selfish, manipulative beings. Attempts to gain friendship have only ended in even deeper pain.
So it follows that the next stages are accepting the possibility of never having a friend again, and then making peace with that acceptance. All while holding this pain inside of me and having no way to express it, cleanse it from my soul, or move on.
I can’t possibly have much longer. I don’t trust my ability to cope with this. I don’t know when I’ll finally snap and do something dangerous. I’m afraid to let people know on Facebook, because it will only cause flamers and trolls to respond with something like “I’m so sick of you looking for attention, I tried this this this and this and you ignored it..” That really, REALLY hurts. And it drives me even closer to the edge.
Helplines don’t help. They’re people who don’t know me, who can’t possibly care about what happens to me. I’ve done nothing to affect their lives in any meaningful way. Why would they care?
I feel like there’s a closing to this post that I should make.. But I just don’t know what else to say. I had to write this all down somewhere where I felt it would be seen. I’m not looking for a reply, or help from anyone. I just want to know – that someone else knows that another person is going through this.
Signing off.
3 comments
I kinda know what you’re going through. I trusted many people along the years and that trust was either betrayed or used for their own benefit almost everytime. I gave up on looking for friends too, and then i gave up on looking for a gf, because i ended up realizing that i was too damaged to trust people (and i did feel people hanged out once in a blue moon with me only out of pity… hell, even my last gf said she was with me out of pity).
The problem there is that like you said, you can’t live like an island… maybe you can (some people seem to be able to), but it’s damn painful, and even if you have a full time job and everything you can need/want it sure gets difficult being all alone and feeling left out all the time. In the end i guess i’m just saying that someone does relate to what you are going through, and i wish you the best (even if it never seems to happen).
I can also relate to what you say, I find it difficult to find friends/girlfriend, been without love for many years, just me alone, socially inept. It isn’t the way it’s meant to be, all around are couples, pubs and restaurants full of friends enjoying their night out, while I return to my lonely room. You are not alone in this.
Well I’ve never had any friends either. This is double true for relationships. It sure is frustrating that my heart wants to at least feel what love is like, but I know I never will. I think I have gone on for too long (i.e. my whole life) without ever being wanted or valued. So long in fact that I don’t think I am capable of receiving such emotions.
Amazing how with over 7 billion humans on this planet, not one of them would be a friend to either of us 🙁