I’ve made up my mind I want to die, I don’t see the point my existence anymore. The only thing holding me back is my fear of the pain before I go, I don’t want to die thinking only of the pain I want to go while I’m thinking of my friends and family… Some of you reading this may question “if you have family and friends why do you want to die it’s pointless?” and the sad fact is that I simply give up, I give up fighting all these emotions and I give up to the pain and suffering hard times have given […]
Tag:
weight
I went to the roof of my five storey building. I stood on the ledge. I wonder if that is enough. I don’t want to wake up in the hospital.
I do care. I do. I care so much I go all in, surrender every ounce of being to them.
They never do. They don’t care.
And I’m tired. Tired of being the only ones who pulls all the weight around here.
Is exactly how I envisioned it would be as a child. Fun things suddenly become boring.. days go by slower with less to do, people get angrier and stop caring about you. More and more of my day is devoted to being sad. I’m forced to do things I don’t want to with people I don’t like. Life chooses winners and losers. I’ve spend so much time trying to find a sense of meaning in anything, anywhere. Hope is a crutch for children  – bowing and bending until it shatters under the weight of your grief and pity fucking sadness. I don’t know how any of you find your way out […]
Most indoor cats are the luckiest beings on earth. Well besides, models, billionaires, (insert: anyone you think is very lucky).
As a cat I would get all the affection and love I’ll ever want. I would not be rejected cause I am hairy and shed everywhere. Food would always be there when I want. I may even reject it and quickly it will be changed for a different meal. I may even gain weight. But as a cat I would still get carried, hugged, and never criticized for my huge belly. I would always have a roof over me to keep me dry, warm, and out […]
Okay. So I haven’t wrote here in a year…I guess I thought things were getting slightly better…they’re not. Life sucks. Now I’m 20. In college…and I just want to drop out soo bad, but at the same time, I really want to be a nurse so I have to keep going right? I feel like such a failure. Because, I might not graduate on time, and I feel as if all my friends are graduating and going to get nice jobs and start their life. And then there’ me who is still struggling to even get up in the morning. I still hate the way […]
I guess, since this is my first post on here, I should tell you all my story.
at age 9 I was oblivious. I was overweight, friendless, but still happy.
at age 10 I started to worry. I was fat as hell, still friendless, but just slightly less than happy.
at age 11 I knew I was a goner. still fat and friendless and I didn’t know what to do about it. I wasn’t happy anymore.
at age 12 I had my first ED thought. I had one friend, and she was my goal. 80 pounds and beautiful. I thought that maybe, just maybe, by losing weight my everlasting […]
I have started this post a number of times and always find myself deleting everything. My words speak a story that sounds like a pathetic, whiny, “look at me” tale, however, that is not my intention. I simply want to be able to say what I need to say and say it in a way that is an accurate depiction of my thoughts and feelings without someone interrupting me or yelling at me saying, “Everythings going to be ok!” or “Why are you complaining so much?” If I have found myself here, obviously, everything is not ok. If I am complaining, then so be it. […]
Everything is piling up on me, and it seems like when I get one issue sorted out, there are 5 new ones added to the queue. I quit both of my jobs earlier this year with the intent to move to Boston, but I got mono (for the THIRD time…how is that even possible???) and I ended up having to scratch any semblance of moving plans. I just got my old job at a cafe back, and though the majority of the staff missed me, it seems like everything is harder for me. Not physically. Something is itching at the back of my brain. There’s […]
I feel like I’m falling back to my old habbits. The last weeks I started to take more and more control about eating and exercising. My life’s turning again about (not) eating and exercising and trying to hide it all. But I’m fine with it, because my life is a little bit more bearable now, and I have sometimes a little happy moment (if I lost some weight or had a good exercise). And I know it’s unhealthy and stuff, but it’s keeping me from suicide, so that’s a good thing, right? And I’m going to be more happy with my body. I love the […]
As frustrating as this back-and-forth bullshit is, today is one of the days I’m glad I didn’t decide to end it (I think). Rainy mornings followed by a world that is glistening, new, and ripe with new life. I feel partially inclined to watch because I’m wont to do that, but something deep inside of me screams to make myself part of it. New life.
Isn’t this always how it starts? Mystification –> disenchantment –> disappointment.
I don’t know which part of myself to give in to. Let myself be happy for a bit, give in wholly, and hope? Give in partially, so later on I don’t […]
I think I have what I call fat girl syndrome. I used to weigh in at 260lbs almost all my teenage life. I was well liked and respected because I was so big (not to mention small town life) it never bothered me to be fat. One day when I was 19 I decided i’d give the skinnier life a try… I quit eating, (which I found myself falling asleep behind the wheel) so I ate more. I walked, didn’t eat past 5pm (keep in mind I lived at home and was not pressured to get a job.) In one years time I lost over […]
What to even say… I don’t know anymore to be honest. Before I knew exactly how to explain how I felt, but now, now I’m not sure anymore. Somedays I’m fine, I get up, get dressed and go straight out the door. But most days, I can’t. I can’t get up. Talk. Even go to the bathroom. I just lie there. Staring at the wall.
I just don’t know anymore. Its like. I don’t know. I just feel so heavy. It’s like there’s a weight in my chest, so much so that it’s even hard to breath.
I start to see a new way, everything seems okay now, but right when things seem fine….my world comes crashing down around me and i cant stand the weight of everything thats happening , i just want things to be better and be able to be happy on my own is that to much to ask? like for real…. i hate depression with a burning passion i want to kill it. make it go away please …………….
I’m trying my hardest every day to be happy and some days my mind over powers all and i end up being mean to the people i love. I’m still struggling with my weight but i’m working on it. Thank you to anyone who responded to my last post, I’m thankful that there is someone out they that will listen to people like me.
I don’t know how to start this
But I feel like I need to get it out there
The words that are stuck in my throat
They need to come out of the darkness
And into this world because if they dont
Im just going to keep bottling it up
I guess I was always okay with what I looked like
Then one day that changed
I got more self conscious of my weight
My hips, my stomach, my waist
All of it I hated because it was never perfect to me
My hips were never wide enough
My stomach was never flat enough
My […]
I feel like I’m moving through molasses.
Everything is drawn out so unnecessarily. They’ve been telling me for years that we will be moving, whether we want to or not. We don’t have a choice in the matter, thanks to the bank owning our house. It’s like waiting in a state of constant anticipation. It’s exhausting, really. So I shelve the thoughts and trudge forward. It’s not like I can predict the future or change what is inevitably going to happen. I’ve had to accept it and press on. Yet, it remains a small weight that I carry around on my chest.
This attitude has been a […]
i would love to kill myself right now. Â I just can’t tolerate myself anymore. I have no desire for anything, Ive been carrying to much weight on my shoulders for so long. Â I just cant keep going anymore. But Im just gonna go to sleep n live one more day
Yeah, I’ve lost a lot of weight due to my depression. 40lbs in 4 months. I not really sure why I don’t eat. It’s not like I’m not hungry. I make a meal, eat half of it, put the rest in the fridge. The next day, I eat like half of the half and put it away. The next day I eat another half of a half of a half. I throw the last 1/8th of the meal out then. I try to force myself to finish, but it feels like I’m going to be sick if I take another bite.
Then I also get the […]
Today my ‘father’ found out I was hospitalized three weeks ago. I had been keeping this from him because, honestly, I felt he didn’t deserve to know. A friend at the time had abused my trust, called the police on me, and I was sent to the hospital and kept there due to the fact I had cuts on my arm. Fresh cuts. I was put in therapy and am back on medication, which I am grateful for. I just wish the situation hadn’t panned out as it had.
I digress. He noticed I was talking about my medication online and he asked me what I […]
I didn’t write this nor do I have the author to credit. It was definitely something I’ve pondered. Thoughts?
What would I do.
“What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: “This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and […]