so…

March 19th, 2014by Engie

Haven’t slept in two days. Not depressed, just I get insomnia sometimes. I lie awake in bed with my eyes closed for several hours until my alarm goes off. So work was hard today. But I love my job. I thought about suicide for the first time in months today, but not with much conviction. I didn’t really want to die, not like before, but it just felt like it would be easier. I’ve stopped feeling depression (along with every other complex emotion) thanks to sertraline. It’s been such a long time since I felt happy our scared or angry or ashamed or sad. I like it this way. My emotions didn’t make any logical sense anyway. Anyhow, I still get visceral reactions to things. I really enjoy sex. I felt a rush of adrenaline shoplifting or hacking into the company server last week. I even considered using the RPC registry tweak I quietly applied to my boss’s computer to remotely shut it down just for fun. But I didn’t. I still got to think about my best interests. But it tickles me that I can do this stuff.

Life without debilitating depression is so different. I can motivate myself to do almost anything. And I realized that I’m incredibly intelligent. The stuff I do for work in my head is difficult for even the people working next to me to understand. It’s such a joke to me.

I’ve started going to the gym every day again. Not because I need it to be happy like before. Now I just want to look and feel stronger.

I enjoy cooking in my spare time. I’m always trying to impress other people with my skill and unusual or classy dishes.

I wonder if I’m developing narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies. I looked up “God complex” today and I realised I’m actually starting to feel that way. Not that it matters. I’m not desperate to end my life and I don’t owe compassion to anyone.

P.S this post is full of blatant lies.  If part of this post bothers you, that part is a lie. The rest is all true.

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