Still Alive Today Unfortunately

God, Please help me!  I want to leave this life and its hardships and burdens.  I have planned and stopped many times and think about killing myself every day.  I wrote my notes and instructions yesterday. Today I am trying to have new hope and do something to not give in to the end of me. I am 68 years old and extremely depressed, financially bereft and hate my life. I do not want to hurt my children and siblings, but life is so hopeless. I feel humiliated and worthless.  I cannot find work and my husband will not help. We lost our home and all of our retirement money and only have SSI and it is not enough. It seems life every day brings a new problem. Today I was going to sit in my car and connect a pipe to let in carbon monoxide. I thought about drugs, but I don’t think there is enough and do not want to fail. I just cannot decide, so I give it one more day. I cannot afford counseling or medication. I need to change my life and find a better way to live. I am trying to find work but it is hard when you are older. I have nowhere to go.  do not want to burden children or siblings anymore, begging for crums.  I feel worthless and have nothing to contribute and a burden to everyone. I fear that I will go to hell for doing this and pray for help and guidance.

9/4 14   I tried it today and did not succeed.  I am a failure again as always.   I hooked up someting to the exhasut and  put it in back door, got in car for more than an hour with windows up and did not die.  I will try it again and want to die this life is lost and painful.  Please help me find a way.   I thought about stabbing myself in the heart but did not do it.  Told yesterday have to move and cannot face it again.

I hate myself,  am worthless and ugley and  old and cannot face another dire day.  My husband does nothing, just sits and lets things go and leaves it all to me to figure out. as long he has tv and cigs he eis happy.

Please God, let me go.  don’t torture me anymore.,