Depressed badly

In a perfect world, one would think parents would have endless unconditional love for their own children and that if their kids needed to talk about anything, they would be the ones they could always count on no matter what the situation. Sadly it just doesn’t work like that. I know what it’s like to have to put on fake shows of life enjoyment, it sucks, its not genuine in the least. I used to cut when I was younger but in the end it just seemed pointless and now I can always look down on my leg and see the word hate to remind me of how I’ve felt about myself since I was 12. But when I reflect on the actual cutting I really don’t understand, it never did help anything. If it was to be a reminder, then I guess it served that purpose well, but without it, society wouldn’t let me forget how I feel about myself anyways. Holes are hard as hell to get out of, I guess we just need to find something small and let it grow inside us to be strong enough to pull ourselves out, because when we don’t have the supports of those around us, we are really the only ones that can pull ourselves out and decide what really matters to us. With that said, depression is evil, and powerful and it doesn’t make getting out of that hole easy by any means, so for me I just try to take what little love is thrown my way and let it fester and grow because sometimes just the littlest light can do miracles, but on the same note sometimes too much love can be overwhelming and have the opposite effect, so it really depends on the person. As far as perfect daughter, that is unrealistic, there is no such thing as perfect, no one is. We all make mistakes. We all struggle. The parents that always expect the most, expect perfection are always filled with their own flaws, they are far from perfect. If they were perfect they would have for one been their for you in your cries for help and accept you for who you are. You do matter. You matter enough for me to say a few words though I may not be the best at expressing my thoughts. Sometimes I make no sense either, and I think that’s my depression or anxiety clouding my thoughts and it looks like a bunch of gibberish. Just some thoughts, I honestly believe myself that I will never live without depression, but I do have hope for others. Good luck to you.