Im a monster of this world but theres no end

I was made in this world, by unfairness… i lived my life in internats and thus life live practically with a hunched back, and now as a 31 year old with no actual friends, no girlfriend (i gave up there) (though i have a ex i dont want to talk about and shes not the reason for this but more of a final straw in a sense that made me really get bad physically after she broke up with me because i wouldnt have sex with her like a monkey but wanted to take things slow, im also a virgin, yes at my 31st and no i dont care, i have no libido, im more of a fetishist but never have put anything into practice, and wont.)

Noone ever really cared about me, and i lost touch with myself, i have noone or nothing to reflect on, im lonely, depressed, in pain (physical), i have gone YEARS of trying to get treated in hospitals and with specialists with my physical problem but healthcare in my country is shit and i have travelfear and severe stress related issues.

Everyone drops me, everything drops me.

And i cant stand myself anymore, at first i just wanted to sleep but now i want to get rid of myself.

Especially after just reading something about someone i cared for being with child and no its not like you think, in fact nothing is like what you think. And stop trying to think for me.

Im done with everyone, im done with this fucking ridiculous mentally retarded insane world and everyone on it.

I dont just want to die, i want to end up somewhere where humans dont exist. I want to get to the furthest reaches of the universe and be put on ice there for millions of years.

I am disgusted, mostly because of my intelligence that makes life unbearable for me to begin with, but im a thief, im a actor, im a puppet, im a monster, im everything that you hate, that is me.

And at the same time im the only honest and good person you will ever meet.

I am everyone and i am nothing. But most of all im a failure in this world of having to be a specific someone and holding to that. I cannot be one person because im made to be so many people by my upbringing. I had to be too much and thats why i cant be myself, because i dont have a self and everyone that could make me myself has their own life where i dont exist in it. I can no longer define who i am to myself.. i am completely disconnected now especially after finding out the true love of my childhood being with child while i wanted to donate for her.. i wanted atleast to be useful in ONE way in my life and donate a child to her (shes not with men). And now that dreamt of purpose is also lost with me.. What the hell do i have left in this world.. live like a monkey? Do people want me to eat bananas all day till i die? What is my purpose if i am only in pain both physically and emotionally..

Dont tell me not to do anything, dont tell me to seek help, ive been to help, help DOES – NOT exist for me.

What do i need? I needed this world to be understanding, i needed this world to be fair and sincere.. none of you are, none of anyone i have ever met is. Everyone is lowlife scum and i am one of you. Why should i live on this planet and not be free, this planet is a reincarnation for people who have been mass murderers in their past life i bet.. this world is a punishment, this world is pure hell.

Only if you amass over the backs of others can you be free of that hell, though just temporarily because it will always bite you in the ass.

I have always tried to be nice, helping, sincere, natural, with values and worths, good.

I thought i could rise above the shit of this world, those who only look at their own gain at the cost of everyone else, those on drugs and alcohol ruining themselves and others…

I dont ask for all this. But i am cursed, i am doomed. There is no way i can escape the shit of this world, there is no way i can escape the emptyness and extreme lonelyness of being me, without a connection to others. And now my last wish has been thwarted and i have been killed.

I dont feel like i want to kill myself, i feel like i need to kill myself before i lose my soul and become one of the masses, only living to eat and play disregarding everyone else, a existence in pure emptyness, pointlessness…

And just before i post this: Do not tell me im disordered in this post, ive always been cryptic in everything i say, its part of my curse for not being able to connect to people, its just who i am. I cant speak like a normal person, im not like a normal person, and i never wanted to be because i was made not to want to be it. Im not confused, ive never been clearer.

What i want? I want someone to press the button to rewind me back, please let me wake up as a kid again. Anyone with that control..  please stop this bad dream.