Rereading the title of this post almost makes me chuckle. The passivity inherent in it, that eventually I will do something, is the way i’ve been living my life up until this point. It’s part of the reason I want to end my life. But not the only reason.
The reason is, I have always felt outside of the norm. I’ve always felt rejected and set aside, despite being told I was loved, I felt somehow dismissed. I know that in school I was indeed rejected and set aside. I was a wierd kid. I can’t let go of the idea of what I used to be, a good kid, a little wierd, lonely, but I had a good heart. I was sad then still, but I had a heart. Now, that’s gone. I cry sometimes, out of despair, but I quickly fall back into line.
I’ve read the addiction books, the self-help books. I’ve felt some of the feelings and psychoanalyzed my own life, and tried to take appropriate action, and moved to a new city and tried to start a new life. In spite of my terror of truly living, and in spite of feeling disconnected from others, I did the best I could.
It pains me that I’m pushing 30 and I seem to have regressed instead of grown. It hurts me that I don’t have the strength and the smarts to do what needs to be done to make things okay. It hurts most of all that people who have tried to love me I’ve pushed away out of a seeming incompetence. I don’t know how to love you. I’m sorry. I wish I could do this. But I’m tired. And I know enough to know the chances of overcoming this are slim. The shame and the alienation are all-encompassing, they may as well be flowing in the blood.
My fears are coming true. It’s bigger than I know and it’s more than I can handle.
I can’t do this anymore. What help is there for the trashed, the lepers.
2 comments
You express the feeling perfectly. You are not alone.
The lepers can always unite 🙂
That’s exactly how I feel bro.