I’m an upper middle class perfectionist who has it all together on the outside. If anyone knew how much I hated myself I’m sure they’d be surprised. No, I’m not popular or the prettiest girl in school but I’m not an outcast, I’ve got a good friend group, I make straight A’s, I’m on the soccer team and track team, and I drive a nice car. But lots of little things put together have had me on a downward spiral for a while now. I suffer from severe depression. I have wanted to die. I have thought a lot about killing myself. I just want to die. Probably because of my perfectionism. I want things to go perfectly, and when I mess up I beat myself up for it. I let someone down, it’s the end of the world. Well, my world anyways.
I know I need help. It took a lot of strength and time, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and I told my parents. I “knew” that they would get me help, and that they would be devastated that their daughter wanted to commit suicide. But they shrugged it off.
My mom said, “Huh.”
My dad said, “Well. How would you do it?”
I told them how. I was crying (and I rarely ever cry).
They said, “Wow.” And then my dad walked away to watch TV and my mom went back to doing the dishes.
That was three years ago. We have never talked about it again. They never got me help, never checked on how I was doing.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems the worst feeling in the world is wanting to kill yourself and telling the people who are supposed to love you the most, and them not caring. Not even a little bit.
I don’t know how or why I haven’t killed myself since that evening, I feel so worthless. Little tiny strings of life keep me holding on, but I’m always asking myself, “For what?” Is it really worth holding on? I don’t know. But I’m still here. A little part of me wants to be. But a big part of me wants to die.
I want someone to ask me if I’m ok. If I’m really ok. To notice that I don’t like the same things I used to, that I’m not so social anymore. For someone to actually care. To hug me and not let go.
I know it’s weird but I dream a lot of what it would be like to have different parents. Parents who loved me or cared about me. I know I have it good- my parents don’t abuse me and they provide for me. I don’t mean to complain. But it hurts. I feel like their workhorse. They give me the chores of cleaning the house and doing the grocery shopping. They sit on the couch and watch TV, and they lift up their feet so I can sweep underneath them. They complain that I don’t do a good enough job. And every word kills me a little on the inside. To be honest, I really wouldn’t mind doing all the work if they said thank you. If they cared. My dad told me when I was ten years old that if I grew up and got married, he wouldn’t dance with me or walk me down the aisle because he doesn’t want people staring at him. He reminds me of that occasionally, and he isn’t joking.
Other girls dream of boyfriends and husbands, but I dream of a father-figure. I want a guy in my life that’s protective of me, who’d walk me down the aisle and cry when he gave me away. Who’d hug me and hold me when my heart is broken. To tell me stupid “dad jokes” and make me laugh. Who’d punish me to teach me lessons, not for his own convenience. Who’d stay up late and wait for me to get home safely. Who’d come to every soccer game, even if it is pouring down rain.
I want to be daddy’s little girl, not daddy’s little tax deduction.
They say depression gets better, just hold on. That it’s just a bad day, not a bad life. But I’ve held on for years now.
4 comments
I’m so sorry, I truly feel for you. But do not say your parents don’t care, they do. They probably just don’t know how to understand that their own daughter wants to commit. Loosing a child is a parents nightmare. I totally understand what you’re saying how you just look for a father figure, but you shouldn’t push yourself to the extreme because of him… Stay strong beautiful xoxo
Addy,
It’s unfortunate that sometimes things are this way between parents and children. My situation with my own mother and father is similar to yours and I can relate to much of what you said. I think anyone who has had a rocky relationship with their parents fantasizes about what life would be like if there were born to different people. It’s only natural.
I’m not going to offer any input as to whether or not your parents truly care – you would obviously know better than I would. But I will say that even if you are correct, you appear to have a lot going for you: You are athletic, a good student and have a good circle of friends. That alone is worth living for and it seems you are well on your way to a great life regardless of how things are between you and your parents. I think it would be a real waste to throw that away, even though you long for a different family situation.
Sometimes – as hurtful as it can be – we just have to accept that things are what they are in some situations and do our best to build a good life for ourselves in spite of that. And it sounds like you are more than capable of doing that.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
You said it yourself you come from an upper middle class background most here aren’t so lucky i see a bright future ahead for you.
Addy,
I get it, it can be hard. I don’t know what you are going through when it comes to parents. I haven’t met them so I can not say one way or the other. However, look towards your friends. Don’t ever be alone. Those friends of yours I bet you would miss you even if they don’t seem it. Talk to one of them that you really truly can confide it. Sometimes, parents if they care they don’t know how to respond. They don’t understand the internal conflict that is going on inside. They sometimes feel that ‘things will just move go on, and it doesn’t exist. This is real, and what you are feeling is real. However, what you don’t want is to create the negativity into the irrational decision that doesn’t amount to anything. Your future kids will want that mom that cares. Focus on that. Make the decision now that you will not be this way to your kids. Envision a family of your own. Envision a place where you would like to be. Get there, and all will be okay. The path will not be easy, but it will be worth it.