My heart is broken……

I’m just super lonely this Christmas and need a shoulder to cry on…..to vent……I’m 18, turn 19 in 5 days, I basically have no friends or family……I’ve attempted suicided many times and have suffered with depression most of my life. I’m miserable. I’ve tried to keep my sanity and make myself better- recently, I drove my new car out in front of a semi……I miraculously lived, tore my car to hell….I just wanted to die and didn’t care how selfish I was being involving a random person. It eats at me and I regret it, but I’m angry that I didn’t die. The bashing from it doesn’t help any. After that, my mom kicked me out so she could have her man back……we can’t live together after he brutally beat me. Getting some was more important so……after I was discharged from the hospital, I was sent to a random shelter in a random town. Was awful there…..then was staying with these people I really didn’t know in a run down house full of mice and roaches…..with no heat…..in a very bad neighborhood……I lost my job and a few other factors were involved, so I was on the streets. In the cold. Under a bridge. Long story short, things got even worse so this gut I met in the psych hospital picked me up and I’m staying with him now……not the ideal situation- but better than being on the street. I just go to work and come home….sit there and cry. Don’t really have the energy to do anything but I have to force myself to. I miss my mom……but she’s pretty much cut me off….I always loved here….even after everything……but I was never good enough and my depression was a burden. Really it started when I was 9…..my mom left my sperm donor bc he was sleeping around, Katrina hit so we had to evacuate, and I experienced….lets say…..a negative sexual encounter……my mom can’t stand being alone. she kinda lost it after my dad went back to his first wife, who’s now my stepmom…..she shacked up with the first thing she could find and moved him in…..knew he was: an addict, was covered in prison tattoos, was in a gang, a bum, showered once a month, there’s things she still won’t tell me…..that he’s a rapist and a murderer. She moves that in with her 9 year old. Turns my world upside down. I go from living comfortably to…..living in a $500 fallen in shack with no heat……no septic system…..I was his slave. He would work me to death….threaten me…..scream at me, cuss me everyday. I lived in constant fear for years. He was very emotionally abusive, shaved my head, beat me…..my mom always took his side….put him on a pedestal……he could do no wrong- he would start shit, push my buttons to the point of me snapping and I would get in trouble. He got pleasure out of punishing me and making my existence a living hell. I was scared to come home from school…..he blew all my moms money on drugs (so my aunt tells me, they never did it around me….wouldn’t surprise me though) hoards of animals, and random junk. Our place was literally the neighborhood junkyard. It was embarrassing. Animals were being abused and dying, and I would have to drI really tried to makeag their corpse through the river of our sewage to the back of the property……everyday was spent trying to survive. To hide from him. Being he is literally psychotic. I couldn’t have had friends over if I had them. No way in hell. CPS being involved, I had to go to my dads….an emotionally abusive drunk, I would be tormented and horribly bullied at school, to come home and deal with him. Was like a game of Russian Roulette. One night. Angry, throwing things. Hide. Next night. Really depressed, putting guns to his head in front of me. Knowing that if he pulls the trigger his brain would land on my lap. The happy drunk…..passing out…..having to help him up and clean up the beer stains. Had nobody. Started cutting….at 15. He kicks me out, back to moms house. Aunt buys us a liveable home, mom and I get rid of the animals and clean up the yard. I had horrible anxiety and depression, struggled like hell to make friends…..was so alone…..was still under my stepdads tyranny, was better though bc he was finally on the right meds. Being sick of the depression, (sorry about the typos, my phone is an asshole) anyhow……I lost a bunch of weight and tried very hard to make friends. Didn’t really succeed…..sick of everything, I got my GED at 17, started working 2 jobs…..stepdad randomly packs his things and leaves…..it was better than him going back to jail, he wasn’t coming back. So I thought. Someone was still there when I got home to cater to. Things kept getting shittier…..after he pinned me down and I took about 30 brutal blows to the head…..I got PTSD and just lost it. It was the last straw…..I had been hit before but that was a beating. Of course my mom just blew it off as a “little fight” and didn’t even care……he threw me against the wall, pinned me down, and slammed on my head as hard as he could. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life……a few attempts later, here I am. A PTSD, anxiety, MDD, lonely worthless mess. I just wish the wreck hadve killed me. It should have. I have nobody and nothing to live for.