Had to tell somebody

So for starters, I’ve tried to commit suicide maybe half a dozen times.  Through pills, a few vain attempts at cutting my wrists, which have left my arms embarrassing and cumbersome for finding work.  I have been a cutter since I was 15, but those scars are hidden.

I used drugs for many years, meth, x, and shot coke for awhile.  Well, I did it, I quit drugs.  At 22, but than I started drinking.  Real fun drinking, but managed to keep a job.  When I didnt have a job, I drank all day and all night.

So I meet a man.  Also an alcoholic.  We moved out of state and my drinking got worse.  Withdrawls without booze.

So, on our anniversary, I got s!$@faced and decided to do it.  We had been great that day.  I had a stash of several scripts of muscle relaxers, painkillers and several bottles of sleepers.  I took them all. My fiance was going to be at the neighbors for a few hours.  My fiance came in the room, and found me, laying half on the bed, face turned sideways and unnatural, empty bottles all over the floor.  My heart had stopped. He pounded and punched my chest.  Dragged me to the bathroom, and dunked my head in cold water.  I guess I took a big gasp and my breathe was shallow.  IDK why he didnt call 911, claims he didn’t want them to put me in a looney bin.  He still tells me now, “you were f@$!ing dead”.

So I made it through that.  I was vomiting up whole pills that night.  I’m not sure how long it took, but I started going through alcohol withdrawls.  You THINK you know, but you don’t,  the deliruim tremors or DTs.  I had I think 9 seizures, foaming at the mouth, I broke one of my front teeth.  I was interacting with my hallucinations.  I was holding peoples hands, talking to demons, pulling gold strands out of my tongue.  Two days, I’m throwing up pills STILL.  This all lasted four days.  He thought I was coming back a few times I guess, but I was still hallucinating.  The last night, I was screaming and hitting him (vampires were taking me away).  He took me to the car to go to the ER, but the neighbors called the cops.  They mistreated me, thinking I was on LSD.  The hospital took my blood, and after the tests came back, and saw it was DTs, I was sent to a hospital for crazies.

After I left the hospital, I got pregnant that night.  I had a miscarriage, at 10 weeks.  IDK what the cause was, they told me the mwds I took dont damage fetuses.

Anywho, I havent drank since than.  A year ago January 6th, my best friend died, from alcohol withdrawals.

My story was long and maybe boring, but I had to get it out of me. I’m still depressed, maybe more so.  I dont have the booze to numb myself, but it didn’t really do that, it magnified my problems.  IDK how long I can make it.