Well. This is me.

THIS IS A LONG READ, I UNDERSTAND IF YOU DONT GET THROUGH IT. BUT YOU WILL NOT REGRET READING IT IF YOU DO.

Hey. So like I guess I wanna past this as a suicide survivor. And say that life. Life has always been shit. And who am I to tell anyone to, or not to do anything, like, I myself have done almost everything that you could think of that someone who was not within it would not understand, drugs, self harm, I’m diegnosed Ana, smoking, drinking, and you know what every day of my life I still tell others not to do any of that shit. I still say you will regret it, and you know why. Because I regret everything stupid I have done to cope. Quite frankly my life is nothing horrible, I have a mom who loves me no matter what and who has always been there for me, and if anything ever goes between us I have a dad and step mom who cares for me with all of his heart, even if he dose not support some of the things I believe in or do to my body ( I.e. piercings and hair color and just like my whole style really) I mean he and my step mom may not go to pride with me, nor would they want me to go, but they are always there to help if I ever need anything else. I look semi decent according to many people and am fairly musicly talented, I know people who would kill to be who I am. And I want all of you to realize that your just the same as me. All of us have people out there dying to be in our shoes, and it would be wrong to just take ourselves out because there is a person below you jellus of your spot in life, they look at you and see that they want to become you, and by killing yourself, they don’t have that person to look up to anymore. Something that helped me realize this is that I was recently accepted into a art high school we have in my downtown area called SOTA ( School of the arts) and this school is operated by the public school system that we have in my area and yet kids are dying to get into this school because when they see this, they see purpose, they see a meaning. They see life for them. And you know what I’m not saying its all sunshine and rainbows, but I know that what I have hear is so much better than a conventional high school, what I’m saying is that if I where to kill myself than I would have taken a spot up at SOTA that would never be filled, no one else would come in and take my place, there would just be one less person in the freshman class of 2018, and you know what. Everyone has there own SOTA, something you have that if you die, it will never end up getting filled, it will die with you, let it be a spot in an orchestra, some band you have, a sports team, even a spot in someone’s heart. You will never get replaced, you will just leave a whole in someone or something that someone else is dyeing to have, dyeing to fill in but they cant , because you are important, you are special. You, are you. I was bullied heavily in a standured public school, I was strange, I diet really fit in, instead of being interested in finding someone who I could lock faces with. I was interested in getting that next solo in choir, that next spot up in our band. No one knew I was depressed, that I cut, that I dam near killed myself about four times from drug ODs, and you know what, there was a moment every time where I diet think about the pain I was going through  both because of the large amount of pills I had taken and just that life had served up for me. I was not thinking about how it would be all over. I was thinking about what this was gong to do to everyone around me. About how this would be my final dissapointment, and it would be all over. But then I remembered that I was better off than a lot of people. That my friends and my family needed me . that I needed ME TO SURVIVE. because I’m important. because people told me that they cared and people told me about there house hold lives and how I was so lucky because I had a loving family and a slender figure and that o was talented and smart  AND THEY WHERE RIGHT GOD DAMMIT.

I am that person people look up to and its very easy for me to see that. And maybe not for all of you is it that easy to see you are needed, but somewhere, by someone you are. Maybe because someone looks up to you, maybe because without you someone else dose not feel that they are needed, because if your jot there than what’s the point of them staying. But hey. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this is all to easy for me to say. Hell I’m just some 15 year old kid off the internet. But I will tell you this. And you can see from my other posting on this, I can see both sides. I can’t understand why we believe that life is important and valued in the first place. Who are we to decide whether or not our purpose is toclive or die, maby we are all hear so that we can make out own judge on that fact. Quite franctly tho. I don’t like that reality. I like this one where I can and should make something out of myself. Because I AN STRONG ENOUGH TO. Not because someone told you you had to. And so I am not telling you to do anything. I’m telling you to look at your life in comparison to someone else. what do you have that someone else would kill for? What do you have that cannot be replaced by anyone else? what do you have that people rely on from you and no one else?

Even if you can’t find it yourself, its out there. You just gata ask the right person at the right time. So do as you will I can’t stop you because it is your life and you should have the right to do what ever you want with it. But keep in mind. Some of the things you do with your life, some of the rights you choose to act upon with your life, impose other peoples rights as well. So think. Long and hard before you do anything at all. Because you are a very special, individual human being, and there are thing that you have that no one else dose. And it would be a shame to let those things go to wast.

Thank you

~ Sam nelson

I apologies for any spelling or gramical errors within this, not only was I just trying to get everything on my mind out. But spelling and grammer are not two of my strong suits at all.