I know that I can create a new future for myself at any moment. But I cannot escape the past I have created. I’m 33, and have a master’s degree in engineering. I struggled my way through school, working full time at night some years to get through. I had mediocre grades, and now I teach college for $35,000 a year. It doesn’t cover my bills, and nobody else will hire me because my grades are too low.
I should have never been an engineer though. I have always been interested in meteorology. I am most of the way through a degree in it as well. I run into the same problem- every job turns me down, or isn’t worth applying to because my grades were too low (now 15 years ago!), and I can’t compete with the other applicants ever.
Today, the university told me that I was ineligible for financial aid. My roof is leaking badly. My car with 355,000 miles on it died, and the one thing I truly love in life, storm chasing, will not be possible this spring.
I really can’t complain. I wasn’t abused, my parents are nice people, and I have friends. But that only makes it worse- I guess I had every opportunity and I still fucked it up. And there’s no way out now, with the debt I carry.
I don’t so much want to die, as I want a way out. I feel like I worked hard to get here, and I would have been better off not. Because there is no way out, perhaps suicide is an option. Or doing enough drugs to be numb to it all.
7 comments
No, sucide is not an option. I believe the pain follows us. And even if that is not true, think of how a minute can last an hour and I believe in my last few moments this would happen. It would be like an eternity until I died at my own hand. PLUS I don’t want to die with this pain as my last feeling.
So, then what? I am living in a city I don’t want to and the place I want to go to? I doubt I can make it happen. But to stay here? UGH! No way out.
BUT there is something you (and I) can do. Make plans. Can you volunteer with a storm chaser? Even once? Can you volunteer at a meteorology center (do they even do that?) ?
Or if that doesn’t pan out… what else can you do that make your day better? Is there a hobby that would make you happy? Maybe right now you don’t have the time or money to do so. But making plans doesn’t take money and can be done in short periods. Write out options. Look up info on the internet. Start a file of information that you find interesting. Maybe you could find a new interest this way.
Most of all- use this time to take care of you. I know that is a tall order when you feel helpless to change your life. But it is really where all good things in your life begin.
Best wishes to you! 🙂
P.S… write out ideas that are impractical or just plain crazy. Maybe a different, doable idea can come out of it.
I should mention, I have a failing business leading storm chase tours as well. I have chased storms for the past 13 years, even back when I was a truck stop cashier, and slept in my car, I made it work. Now that I’m “mid-career” it isn’t going to happen. It may never happen again.
I volunteered at the National Weather Service last summer, and applied to work there this year. Got screened out by the computer though, based on my grades 15 years ago. I could volunteer again, but it isn’t the same.
It really is the most important thing to me in the world, and now it’s gone. Everything in my life has revolved around storms; I took a job that allows me to be off in the spring, even though the pay sucks. My friends and family are along for the ride; not knowing where I will be any single day from April 15-June 15. And it all ended today.
Thank you for your comments. I still shouldn’t whine about this- I need to just man up.
Listen, it is not failure to try something and not succeed. There is a quote from a funny movie about seven older Americans that move to India to live in a hotel. ( The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel )
“The only real failure is the failure to try. And the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment. As we always must.”
Another thought. When I applied to my university after being away for 15 years (a different university). They forgave my grades since they were over 10 years old. I don’t know if you could find a school that would do that. Maybe not right now, but you could look into it in the future.
Keep going. Have patience with yourself and take great care of YOU.
there are other options. and not suicide
Hey Nova, man you made it further than me… I also went down the wrong career path, majored in physics and summarily got my ass thrown out of school for being stupid which, all the same, didn’t affect my earning potential since my diploma would’ve been about as valuable as a floor mat.
One great thing you’ve got going for you, simple as is seems, is you know what you want. Most people lead entire lives of discontent, never figuring it out. So for real, you’ve got a leg up already.
So it failed, ok. I’d say after some obligatory down-time (which may or may not include drinking yourself into a drooling stupor and/or watching Twister 30 times in a row), you can revisit your business plan. At least now you know what *doesnt* work. All you gotta do is try the opposite.
Here’s a weird idea… Instead of leading storm chasing tours the old fashioned way, why not embrace the net culture and start a storm chasing channel on YouTube or something? I know there was a tv show, hugely successful. All it would take is a $200 camera & your own creative approach, and bam internet sensation. Well it’s an idea anyway. The point is if you’re lucky enough to find your dream, don’t let it go. Re-invent it until it works. If nothing else you’ll live a fuller life than anyone else.
About the debts, that’s a tough one. Especially the car problems since that’s crucial (hm unless you want to be the world’s first storm chaser on a bicycle?).
Suicide is always an option.That’s why it is there,just consider it wisely.