I cant take care of myself, let alone everyone else.

I’m tired. Tired of everything. Well not everything. I’m not tired of the times when I feel some sort of happiness, I’m not tired of the times when I’m alone and no one bothers me, but I’m tired of the rest of it. Tired of people relying on me to help them with things that I cant even help myself with. That was always the case with my former best friend. She seemed as though she was in the same situation as me, although I never really saw her looking sad or wanting to die. We are no longer friends but at the time she was only focused on herself, which if she was in fact feeling the same I was, I totally understand that but it just wasn’t working out. I was helping her, making sure she felt okay, meanwhile I was crumbling a little more each day and she never once cared to ask how I was doing. I guess that hurt a lot.

There’s nothing more I could do in that situation so I pushed her away. Not just for myself and because the friendship was making me worse, but partially for her, for the fact that I didn’t want to be a burden in her life any longer, I don’t want to be a burden in anyone’s life but at the moment I don’t know whats best for me.

I guess I don’t really know what I want out of life. Do I want to get better and live a long happy life? Or do I want death so early on to end my misery? I don’t know. I don’t want to make such a drastic decision at the moment but I’m afraid that I know the answer.

Its hard to come to terms with that, isn’t it? The moment when you realise that you really want to die. Nothing else really seems scary, all but the fact that you know you want to end it. Its probably an easy task for a lot of people, and I do think, when the time comes, I wont hesitate or back out, It’ll just be difficult to decide when/where/how. No not the how, I know my preferred way, but the whole concept of this is scary. My mind will be made up soon, I hope I make the right decision.

But for now, so long. -SC