Since it is two in the morning here, I realize this is probably the worst possible time to be here expecting any sort of answer.
I’ve noticed there’s an “evening group” which is usually here from about 7:00 to midnight or so, and then there’s (as Douglas Adams might put it), a “long, dark tea-time of the soul” for a handful of hours until the “morning group” arrives around 5:00 or so.
Because of internet connectivity issues, I missed the usual evening time-shift and didn’t get here til about midnight or so.
This means my insomniac self mostly has an inactive page for most of the night.
Originally I was going to post something fun and uplifting (Alan briefly got to see the cartoon I posted), but changed my mind. I’m in too much of a dark mood to do a cartoon today.
Anyway, here is what I will say to the cyber-emptiness that is echoing loudly in all directions:
I was in bed all day, back to dealing with the health stuff. At this moment my back hurts so bad I can barely sit up, and I am waiting for the pain meds to work.
As long as I was here without a connection for awhile, I decided to make use of the time by installing the new composition/notation software on the laptop. It worked fine, and I spent a few hours composing. It was done in a surprisingly short amount of time, probably because I had no other distractions.
If I can get here in time tomorrow evening, I’ll think of posting it for the “evening group”. I was able to convert it from WAV to mp3 using some free online converter which probably now has the legal rights to my entire DNA sequence. (I didn’t read all the fine print before I clicked the “OK” box.)
I go through this extremely-paranoid, thin-skinned phase when I’ve just finished writing music (or making any other kind of artwork). I make sure the piece fits my unrealistically perfectionist standards, then I almost cringe as I send it to a few friends so they can hear it.
If they don’t answer, I start to panic, wondering if they hated it and are just too nice to tell me so.
Fun fact: So far I have shared tonight’s new composition with 38 people. So far absolutely none of them have said anything about it at ALL. Feel that awkward uncomfortable cloud hanging in the air? Yeah! That’s my slowly blossoming panic. If I let it grow for long enough it smells like desperation and decay, with a side hint of raspberries and dust.
See? It’s perfectly fine that that made no sense, because you are all in bed sleeping right now anyway.
70 comments
I’m here lurking and deleting, not doing well …
I know about dark places….
I saw you cartoons.
T.
I am in a reasonably dark place.
I discovered that one of my medications is actually something people commonly overdose on.
Yay, I guess.
I called in a refill.
It’ll be ready tomorrow, so that’ll be 30, plus the 10 I already have.
I am in a very dark place.
Giant spiders and crawly things can build all sorts of homes when my head has this kind of space.
Yeah got my own spider webs in my head making things darker..
P.S. Sorry to hear you’re not doing well either.
What kind of pain meds?
Combination of these.
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16105270
amitriptyline that’s one of the ones they asked me about today
They’re thinking of starting you on that?
They started me on the 10mg (Amitryptaline), which didn’t do anything.
Then it got increased to 25mg, which still didn’t do anything.
Then the 50mg. Still nothing.
Then the 75mg. Nope.
My next appointment is on the 14th, when they might ramp it up to 100mg.
The Tramadol is a narcotic for those days when the pain is especially bad.
I have over 150 of those suckers saved up, and holy hell, that had better be enough, if the time comes.
I already have Tramadol, Trazodone, Flexeril, Zoloft, Prozac, Neurontin, Ativan, Percocet, Celebrex, Clonazepam. But it seems that the headaches and side effects were from the cyst growing… So we get to start over WWWEEEEEE……
Amitriptyline, Just plug me in Doc. I think I’m gonna just keep drinking It just feels better.
T.
ps. goodnight
Nice!
I’ve tried a lot of those too over the years.
Some I had to stop because of side-effects, others just didn’t seem to do anything.
I hope the Amitryptaline works better for you than it has for me.
I’m here all night. I for one am anxiously anticipating your next piece.
I totally get the “awaiting judgement” feeling. I stumbled across a rhythm riff this weekend. Not sure what will come of it. I also started learning fine again by seether.
I tried uploading it in WAV format, but it said the file was too big, so that’s why I had to convert it.
The WAV file was about 30 mb, but the mp3 was less than a tenth of that. So I should be able to load it up ok tomorrow. Unless tomorrow hits me even worse than today did.
What’ll really annoy me is if I can’t pick up my prescription because of the ice and snow.
They’re saying it’ll be freezing rain switching over to snow.
Freezing rain in Chicago now. I’m heading west. Usually I check the weather but I don’t care.
At least you don’t “need” them for a few days if you have 10 left. Maybe wait till the spiders go back in the attic before getting more?
The spiders have to stay.
They’re the only ones who can bring me back a sandwich.
Well… You didn’t say they were service spiders…. Carry on
The little 8-legged harnesses are adorable.
Yeah, there’s like this schedule in which people reply on sp. I blame it on daily chores, time hour zones, and the usual unexpected things, so… yeah, sometimes you will get replies at this time, FTR it’s like 5am here, lol.
I do get you about the perfectionism thing, back when i used to sing regularly i’d go nuts trying to avoid even tiny mistakes that in the end, just a few people (if any one at all) would notice. Now i can’t do that anymore (due to an injury i can barely sing anymore), but if that thought me something is that at times those things we perceive as imperfections are actually distinctive touches that add up to music and make it unique. Sure, the idea is not to go overboard and end up with a bad mashup of notes that make no sense, but… you get the idea, lol.
Out of those 38 people: some might have listened to it, some haven’t. A fraction that listened to it forgot to get back to you. Out of the ones that did remember to get back to you, some got caught doing something else. And that leaves… just a couple of people who didn’t know what to say, lol. Pretty sure most of those 38 are sleeping now. So yup, the fact that they haven’t answered doesn’t mean anything.
You’re forgetting insomnia. Awful, chronic, and persistent insomnia.
What happened to you, that you aren’t able to sing anymore?
Long story short: bad muscular tissue from birth + trying to go against nature = bad outcome. Vocal folds cartilage injury which won’t heal due to my vocal folds bad muscular tissue, because both conditions causes that the other one continues without healing, lol. I was guessing surgery would be an option but apparently it’s not worth it due to the bad muscular tissue.
Can’t complain tho, i still can sort of speak and sing (badly) once in a while. I get constant pain/discomfort but meh, that’s endurable (thank god for painkillers). Mother nature sure is a b*tch sometimes.
But hey, this is your post, looking forward to hearing your composition BTW.
Sorry to hear that.
I have bad-from-birth stuff too.
My feet have what’s known as “equinovarus deformity”.
It wasn’t so bad when I was younger, but it gets worse the older I get.
Without the braces, it sometimes looks like I’m walking on my ankle.
And of course having all that warped (and getting worse), means that my other bones get out of alignment as a result.
I’ve got problems with feet, ankles, legs, and back.
At least one bone tumor in a knee.
Plus they may have found an additional tumor between my jaw and brain… not sure about that because they aren’t really pursuing it, which is strange.
Heh, they never tell us that the little problems we have when we’re younger are just going to explode when we get old, don’t they? they should, or maybe they just hope for the best. I have lots of other problems (again, thanks painkillers), i blame it on being a premature child (7 months).
That sounds really difficult to deal with, and… yeah, now i understand a bit more some of your posts. I’d ask them about that tumor tho. If i would have actively pursued the few rare symptoms i got back then, maybe things would be a whole lot different. But hell, i guess you already know more than enough about docs and their at times incomprehensible stupidity and negligence.
I’d avoided being too specific about my health issues up until now, but tonight I figured what the hell.
You all might as well know.
Let’s see… is there anything I forgot?
I mentioned the foot/ankle/leg/knee/back stuff there…
In one of my other replies here to ToTrees, I mention the growth inside my head they haven’t identified….
You can’t tell by looking at it, but my neck curves in a sort of backwards way that pinches the nerves and sometimes makes rotten migraines.
It was in the x-ray for that, when they saw the growth/tumor/whatever-it-is.
Sleep doesnt happen often
Been working on my PC tonight
My nose started bleeding tonight..
Started….?
Unexpectedly with no prior history of nosebleeds…?
Heck, we’re all falling apart, aren’t we.
We all need to meet at some point out in the universe and just build a great big bonfire and roast cosmic marshmallows and share all our stories about all the crap.
… for all we know, that’s where stars come from.
The cosmic bonfires of all the other people who left their lives here.
I sound drunk as hell, but I promise it’s just the cranial spiders.
On Thursday they did a biopsy behind my right eye. I talked to the Docs today
It’s funny SPIDERS….. mine is what they call secondary —
.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/arachnoid_cysts/arachnoid_cysts.htm
Interesting!
I apologize for talking about spiders, then. 🙁
They haven’t analyzed mine enough to know what it is.
They probably wouldn’t even have found it if they hadn’t x-rayed my head to see how bad my neck curvature is.
On the x-ray it looked like it was bigger than a grape but smaller than a walnut.
It wasn’t there 30 years ago (the last time I had my head x-rayed), so I don’t know whether it’s something that’s been growing slowly all that time, or something that just rapidly recently went *boom*.
No sorry needed I just liked the (Coincidence) of it all. They want me to start a whole slew of new meds, I go back tomorrow to get them. Pain meds and (anti-this and that’s), a few histamines and some others. The Doc doesn’t seem to upset about it draining. just said to shower and steam it they called it Draining. Gawd I’m drooling here. Ill tell ya its draining my spirit right out of me.
I remember a few years ago I went through some weird phase where I had a LOT of nosebleeds. Like 45-minute long ones where I had to lean over a sink and hold a cold wet rag against it just to slow it down.
Light-headed afterward!
Never did find out what caused it.
Doctor tried cauterizing it, but that didn’t work either.
I totally get the feeling of “it’s draining my spirit right out of me.” (!!!)
It’s ok, you can drool.
I won’t say anything.
fun times
Noteworthy and infamous, at least!
Not sleeping cuz of my timezone.. please share that music. About the no comments, i was going to say… I don’t know. I hope you enjoyed making it, i think that’s all that matters. I’m not a perfectionist so i don’t really understand
I had a toy dinosaur a long time ago, its tail wouldn’t twist, I thought it would look better if i twisted the tail, it wouldn’t budge so i just threw it against the wall
I did enjoy making it. 🙂
It was a very nice distraction from not being able to get online.
I finished it in just a couple hours, which is pretty fast for me.
It has piano, harp, cello, string bass, and electric bass.
I can’t remember if I’ve ever had any toy dinosaurs.
If I did, I hope it was a T-rex. I like how they’re supposed to be all ferocious, and yet their little arms can’t even reach the toilet paper.
Cordless, thank you for making SP a better place. You spend so much time here helping
I’m not entirely sure anything I’ve said has ever helped anyone here, but thank you.
You’re very kind to say so.
I think one of your post was the 1st I read here. The “happy and you know it” t-Rex.
This one?
suicideproject.org/2016/02/whew-now-i-can-breathe-sniff-sniff-hey-wait/
Yeah. Definitely lured me in.
Yay! i lured someone into my unsuspecting trap and–
(*cough*)
I mean, yes, welcome to the site.
Today I am a terrible example, so just do the opposite of whatever I do.
Time Zones.
There are different time zones all around the world.
Baghdad is 12 hours ahead of Los Angeles.
Sydney Australia is 16 hours ahead.
New York City is 3 hours ahead of LA, and 5 hours ahead of Honolulu.
If it’s midnight where you are, it’s high noon somewhere else.
It’s also Happy Hour somewhere.
I totally understand the concept of time zones. 😮
And yet there is still usually a lull here during “my” overnight hours.
Tonight it seems a lot livelier than usual, for some reason.
Does that mean I’m finally in the “cool” group?
If, by “cool”, you mean “soon to be covered in snow and ice”, then YES! 😮
@”el” morris: man, i looked up that guitar you mentioned yesterday. Holy crap. If i had 6000usd i’d definitely get a cheaper one and use the extra money on something else (lol), but i can totally understand why you liked it, haha. An esp eclipse 2 should be a pretty comparable equivalent btw… you’d just lose out on that wicked color and the tremolo (which imho is a plus).
@Mf; Find me in the after-life (I’ll be seated at the bar. Not sure if you should check upstairs or downstairs)
We’ll form a band, you can play lead guitar, and I’ll get you an ESP Gary Holt signature model in Molten Lava Red. (The Floyd Rose comes standard).
I don’t think they check credit ratings in the here-after.
That depends on where the afterlife is??? I think I got some credit somewhere
Starting to believe its always happy hour for me
Pass me one of whatever you’re having!
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/arachnoid_cysts/arachnoid_cysts.htm
Delete this one
hey everyone!!
Welcome to the middle of the night (for me at least).
I swear usually nobody’s here at this time.
im sorry you are not feeling well.. i had an amazing week last week .. now feeling so much better
i always am.. i rock the east coast with you
I’m here, fighting between drinking, wanting to die and going to sleep.
wanna play rock paper scissors
Or, if you watch Big Bang Theory, there’s always
“Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock”.
I chose the drink
I’m wondering if I could do all three at once.
Multitasking, you know.
I think youd end up drowning, but then again that would cure all three wouldnt it
Absolutely! 😮
oh ya..I love tbbt
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for nerds, so that show is a big YAY for me.
Leonard is adorable, Sheldon has that incurable logic that irritates everyone (but I love that).
I love blossom..lol.. I love nerds too.. I have a new nerdy sweetheart
Sheldon would totally not see the logic in wanting to OD on antidepressants and narcotic painkillers.
But, bless his heart, there are a lot of other things he doesn’t understand either.
Here, if you get bored, watch this sometime:
youtube.com/watch?v=xLP8dXJtniw
cordless how do you add a pic instead of generic avatar
You go to
en.gravatar.com
and make an account there.
Use the same email address you used when you signed up for your SP account.
That way the SP site will recognize it.
You can upload as many photos as you would like, and then just click on the one you want to use. If you’re like me and can’t always decide, it lets you change around as often as you want.
thank you…I love raj too
It’s 7:30…. the sun is up, and I have been awake all night long.