I’m Dragging Myself Under

I started self-harming in eighth grade and I just graduated high schools few weeks ago. I thought I’d be done with it by now, but I’m not. I can’t seem to shake the feeling that no matter what happens, even if all this shit gets sorted out, I’m still going to have to kill myself. I can’t get out of my head and I can’t stop self-harming. Everything is so delicately complicated. I have an amazing boyfriend who I love more than anything in the world, and he self-harms too. But it breaks my heart in ways I never knew it could be broken. The hardest thing in the world is to watch someone you love fall in the same ways you’ve been falling your whole life. He’s afraid that someday he’ll do something he can’t take back and he’ll end up dead. And he’s so delicate that I’m too afraid to tell him that if anything, I’ll beat him to it. I’m hiding so much from everyone but the truth would force my hand, and I can’t leave until I know he’ll be safe without me. I hope someday he can be. Somehow my depression and PTSD is worse now than it’s ever been, The anxiety eats me alive and I constantly feel like I can’t breathe. I’m afraid if I do one thing wrong he’ll end up hurt too. And I’m tired of running in circles. And I’m tired of waiting to die. I just want to kill myself at this point as a precaution, because if time has taught me anything, it’s that things will always get worse.