It’s my fault

I feel like I’m playing the victim, I never wanted to be a drama queen I actually hate when I act like that, considering all the suffering in this world I feel like I have no right to complain. I mean yeah I never met my father and my mother is… well I wouldn’t even know how to start with her, let’s just say that she taught me to hate myself. But a lot of people have problems with their parents it’s not like I’m a special case or something. I have every opportunity to succeeding in life like any other college student my age, which considering this economy are very slim, and maybe that’s why feel so lost when I think about my future , I was always told that I had to go to college but after that I’ll have to make my own choices and that scares me a lot because I have no idea what to do with my life. But then again pretty much all of my friends are as lost as me so I’m not that different. I guess I just always thought that I’d die young so that’s why I can’t picture a future for myself.
I don’t think I’m making much sense, to be honest what I want to say is that I have no reason to feel like this , I actually don’t even know what I’m feeling! Sometimes I just wish I could disappear and be forgotten, my friends tell me that I’m too distant and I have problems letting people in, I don’t really know if it’s to protect me or them. On one hand if they betray me I wouldn’t care that much because a: I’m used to it and b: I really don’t care anymore, and on the other hand I’m probably preventing them from getting too attached so when I’ll finally disappear I won’t feel guilty about it.
Yeah that’s another thing, there are two reasons why I haven’t already killed myself: 1 I don’t want to go to hell , honest to God that’s what I kept telling myself from the age of 10, now I don’t really care that much anymore tbh and 2 there are my foster parents. They love me, I don’t know why because I’m such a worthless piece of shit I don’t really deserve them, but they do. So I don’t want to make them suffer because it’d break their heart. I guess that’s also why I don’t want to get too close to other people , because I don’t want them on my conscience too. I mean my mother and my siblings wouldn’t be too affected by this because I’m “the ***** of the family”, that’s what they used to call me when I was very very young, at first I never understood why they all seemed to dislike me so much but now I don’t really care, I used to try to please them to make them change their minds and I still try sometimes , I don’t know why since it never works. Ok I have to stop talking about my family because this getting too personal too fast. All I wanted was to get some things off of my chest because I fell like I can’t ever tell all of this to anyone , I just don’t anybody to be sad when I’ll be 6 foot under.