I’m mildly obsessed with the idea of taking my life.
Almost any way possible if I can do it semi-passively. It’s almost ironic that I’m no longer afraid of heights because I’d like to fall from them. Right now, I’d like to go back downstairs and take the knife and start writing in my skin with blood. Conquer my fear of pain as well.
And I’d jut cut and cut and cut.
And if I accidentally let too much blood flow out? All the better.
Lately I’ve been trying to deal with food. I’ve been forgetting to eat every now and then and eating things with barely any calories or just crap. Food that doesn’t take time to prepare.
And I’ve been letting my insomnia get the better of me. I only sleep when I have no other choice and lately my adrenal glands have been agreeing with me that I need to stay up. Till 5. Till 6. Till 7. Till noon.
I’m going to slowly edge myself over until I fall. Crash and BURN.
Pain and hate. I want to crash myself and burn a slow agonizing death. I can’t hate others so I loathe myself.
Stepping out in front of speedy traffic has also been a favorite fantasy of mine.
And also killing myself with a pain medicine overdose. But I don’t have enough to do that right now. Not nearly enough.
I hate myself. I deserve this pain and agony and eventually death.
5 comments
I’ve been where you are my friend. Cursing yourself for whatever mistakes you’ve made and hating your very existence. Feeling as though you deserve whatever punishment you can heap upon yourself. It makes me want to cry when it happens to me but somehow I can never get the tears to come. They are locked inside of me where not even I have the key.
The symptoms you are describing, not eating healthy and barely at all, not sleeping, hating yourself, thoughts of suicide. They are all clinical signs of depression. I’ve had them all and I know what you are feeling inside. It’s horrible.
To get yourself through this you need to find some kind friends that will throw you a rope to help you out of the spot you’re in. Whether they are people you meet on the net or better yet, people you already know, surround yourself with people that will help you save yourself from the destruction you believe you deserve.
I’m sorry you are hurting my friend.
Naww 🙁
Omg iv been through that to i have the scares on my arms and legs i was almost going to die until’ one night i had a dream of suicidal i fell of a bridge 3 times and survived; it was really weird but i believed it might happen. Dreams are a sign of god and gods sign was by dream
I’m kinda like that for hours and hours I’ll look up ways to commit suicide. Like I’m trying to find the perfect way or something, and my dad kinda got worried that I was looking that upp.
I actually feel the exact same way. The way I even found this site, was because I was looking up ways to kill myself. I know it sounds silly, but hey, I found something, right? Maybe not what I was looking for, but this site is something. I am 17 years old, a junior in highschool and I have been depressed since the fourth grade. My mother was never really around when I lived with her, she was depressed and suicidal, as was her mother. I’m aware that it is a genetics thing, and oddly, I am not upset that I too am depressed. I do not really blame anyone for how I feel, though I do believe that those around me, who are supposed to be called “family” attribute to the way I feel. I cant sleep, I never want to eat, nor am I ever hungry, I get constant headaches, because I know living like this is unhealthy.
You may be wondering about my “nickname” on here, and that, I will try to very briefly explain. My father is extremely verball abuse, for the most part racist, and also very prejudice. I came out to all of my friends and family that I was gay, and all of them, Except him, accepted it. He has, since that day, been even more so abusive towards me than ever before. He says it doesnt bother him anymore, that he is coming to accept it, I have been dating girls for about a year now. My girlfriend now, I have been with for a little over a month. I had to hide my ex girlfriend from him for a total of four whole months, before I came out to everyone. To him, she was my “friend”. When in reality, she was indeed my girlfriend, and when I told him this, he kicked me out. Told me that if I wanted to be gay, then I was to leave his house, because he doesnt like, and I quote “faggots”.
Enough about that… this site is indeed great for a good read, but I find that nothing I have read, or will read, will help with how I am feeling. I have attempted suicide, and failed. Which, those who have also attempted would know, makes me feel even worse about my exsistence. The only reason I am writing on here, instead of fullfilling what I really wish to do(die) is because I have a house full of people and no means of killing myself anyways.
I know I have plenty to live for, and I know there are people that would care deeply if I were to die. And yet, even knowing that, does not make me feel even a little bit better. I go out with friends, and have a good time, I laugh and smile and live my life to the fullest. I put on a smile for those around me, and I love to make people smile and laugh. I kind of have a knack for it. And even though I may seem like the happiest, funniest girl you have ever met, I am indeed completely empty inside, and that is what no one sees. I wear a mask for those to see, so i dont have to hear “and how does that make you feel?” I refuse to tell anyone in my life how I feel, because I know they will just send me to a therapist again. It clearly does not help. I simply smiled, and laughed, and put on that face that everyone sees, and they said I was fine. That maybe I was just going through a phase…. that was said by a Depression Therapist, who claimed to be an expert for 12 years and counting… that was just about 4 years ago.
If anyone wants to talk. I’m a great listener. I do not want help. I simply want to help others, if I can. For me, there really isnt much that can be done. I have come to terms with my feelings, and I accept that I will always feel the way I do. There is no solution for my suicidal thoughts. And there are no actions I can take to fullfill my wishes of death. Thanks for reading.