Hey everyone…..I’m 19 years old this year, and I’m a gay boy.
Being gay isn’t easy at all as I’ve always been the black sheep..if you know what I mean…I have always tried my best to fit in with the people around me, and I’ve succeeded in adapting, as I’ve always done my best to ignored myself as a gay and being different from everyone around me.I was in a state of denial.
Everything was going pretty fine for myself socially I suppose..Until I started to go through the pressures of relationships and the like.I’m at a total loss here….my friends are all getting into relationships and what am I doing?Still standing still as usual.I hate it.I feel really jealous somehow of straight people, being able to go through life the way it’s supposed to be and enjoying it to the fullest.I’m the extroverted type…but if only…..I can somehow fit in to the cast with the rest, like everyone else.
Getting myself a boyfriend isn’t easy as well…Although I’m decent looking..Because I’m still in the closet about my status as a gay.I’m also in a dilemma whether I should be getting one or not..because I’ve been a pretty faithful Christian since I was 13, or tried to be.Mostly because of me being gay I question God and stuff.I’m so tired of this…What am I to do?But for now as a Christian…I don’t consider myself as one anymore, barely I would say.I have too much doubts about God and everything about this.I stopped going to church because of this matter itself…and because of another thing.
…and the other thing is that is because I have depression and anxiety.I feel church isn’t helping this one bit, the support people offer to me in church, saying God is with me, He will give me strength, seems so useless up to date, as much as I want to believe it is so, but until now I can’t prove that to be true for myself and my life.I’ve been into depression for about 2 years so far, was under prozac for a couple of months and stopped, due to financial probs.
I believe I got into depression for multiples of reasons, and mostly is because of who I am as a gay.I find it very unfair and devastating that I can’t live a normal life the way everybody else does.Okay, normal is so cliche, but at least a normal love life?I feel I don’t even have the right to love the people around me, I know I can love people in a sense I can call them my family and friends…but, what about having someone I can call my own?I’m in desperate need of someone to share my life with…but I don’t know..this is very upsetting.I get angry sometimes because God doesn’t allow me to love..how is that fair?What is life then for me?What’s there for me?I need to be loved too..
I’m very tired and exhausted emotionally & mentally from thinking about my life..I can’t imagine going through life alone all the way, without somebody by my side.I seriously wanna die already..and get this over with…I don’t care how..I just hope to end my life now.Accident or self-inflicted, I don’t care.Apparently I’m not strong enough to take all this in..I’m the type that would love to love and be loved…but it’s not possible is it?Where’s the life in my life then?I’m tired of not having anyone to understand me..but I can’t blame them because they do not know the real situation with myself as a gay and all.I’m tired….very tired of pretending and keeping it all in.I still feel deeply depressed and I believe I gave up on life…I need someone.Period.
Please help..
17 comments
hey. davidy321@hotmail.com
I can be there to simply talk to you =)
Hey Hun,
First off; there is nothing wrong with being gay… nothing at all!!! There are millions of gay and lesbian people around the world who live normal, happy and productive lives; so really honey being queer is NOT abnormal!!! And the people who say being a GLBT individual is immoral are usually bigoted religious loonies who are terrified of those brave people whose sexual preference or gender identity challenges their narrow little worldview, and I think deep down many of them envy us for being true to ourselves. As for God; well it’s most likely that he does not even exist!!! And if he does he should be fucking ashamed of himself and of his followers… for all the human misery and senseless bloodshed that has been perpetrated in his “exalted” name. Also If people can’t accept you for who YOU are then they are not really worth being friends with… so follow your heart and just be yourself!!! If you are seriously questioning your faith then that is a good thing, look into some secular beliefs like agnosticism or atheism… cuz believe me being free of all that christian guilt, shame and fear is soo amazingly liberating!!! Take care, and bye!!! ^_^
Regards,
My dear boy, yes, I’d like to help you. I see many aspects in your post and I think that we have to go through all of them. There is your faith on one side, there is your beeing gay on the other side, there is a lot in between, including your depression and isolation. Your devastation comes from the conflict of these different and inconciliable instances inside of you, and when you’ll make your choice you’ll feel much better. I mainly see two ways to come out of it all. The first is to live your Christian faith until your last sacrifice, i.e. to give up your sexual life and your need to be emotionally and physically one with another human being. The other option is to give up your religious beliefs and seek your happiness in this world. I cannot tell you which way is the best for you, this choice belongs to you only and is part of your freedom.
In spite of what you say about dropping your church, I perceive in your words still a lot of concern about religion, your faith is still alive deep in your heart. You are angry at God for giving you this burden and letting you alone in this painful situation. But this is a quite common feeling among Christians in the hard times of life, and even Jesus last words were “My God, why did you abandon me?â€
Indeed our suffering has no rational explanation, I think it is just part of the great mistery of life. Each one of us has a burden to carry, each one of us often thinks that his/her burden is the heaviest of all. Your burden is the conflict between faith and instinct, and it is sure a very heavy one.
If you choose the second option do not need to be afraid of the practical consequences of being gay. You have the same chances to find the right partner and to be happy as any eterosexual. You also have the same chances of being successful in job and career. And not only in arts and show business. As an example, Klaus Wowereit, Berlin’s openly gay major, a very successful man in office since 2001.
One last thing: are you completely sure that you are gay? Some young men believe to be gay but they later discover that they are eterosexual. You said that you were under prozac for a couple of months, but prozac cannot help anyone to solve consciusness problems or inner conflicts. Did you ever try counseling with a good professional?
Please keep in touch, write again and let me know about you.
Thanks guys for your replies…I really appreciate your concern.
I’ve been contemplating about the matter regarding what you’ve said to me Lilian…for quite awhile actually..Whether I choose to keep my walk with God(and remain celibate)…or to pursue my happiness in life.After checking with myself..I’m more inclined to choose the second option.I don’t mean any bad intentions but it’s just that I need to love and be loved as well just like everybody else…nothing more than that.Second to that, if I choose the first option..I don’t think my heart will be in it anymore..I know I’d still be feeling very lonesome and suffer from peer pressure, I can’t even be myself..like, I can’t find it in myself to joke about myself as a gay..because it’s not anything funny to me.Plus, I wonder if the rest of my then church members would accept me as a gay or not…after so many years with them all this while.I’m not ready to share this matter with them and I probably never will…because I resent the feeling of being acknowledged that I’m different from others..and they’d be reminding me of it by saying “We’d pray for you” and stuff, I don’t blame them but they don’t get it.
But still…I’m afraid of going for the second option…because I understand that by going for this path, I forsake God at the same time..and won’t I be thrown to the lake of fire for this decision I make after my time is up?I don’t want that…I hope God understands somehow that I just want to be happy..I don’t mean any harm to Him nor betray Him in any way whatsoever…but I don’t know anymore..*sigh*.
If as what you’ve said, Lilian, that I’d be having equal chances of finding the right partner as any heterosexual..that means I have to come clean to everyone that I’m what I am.I don’t believe I’m ready for all that drama..even more so with my current emotional state…Not sure if I can handle the extra burden.What will my family think of me?My friends?And yes…I do agree with you that I have the potential to succeed just like any other individual.I was a straight A’s student in high school and blessed with a pretty decent ability to think, if I may say..and I have an ambition to be a Chemical Engineer one day..but currently I’ve lost the drive to study and work for my dreams and ambitions…my grades are falling in college and I haven’t been actively participating in activities like I used to back in high school..I don’t have anything to spur me on…My parents think everything’s fine with me but it’s not..I wonder how my mom will react when she sees my grades in college…..no pun intended by the way..
and to answer your question, Lilian..Yes, I’m totally convinced that I am gay…Although sometimes I wish that I am bisexual at least, haha..I took prozac for those couple of months solely because I was feeling pretty depressed and went to see a shrink, and from what I know, prozac helps alleviate depression..I went to see my shrink a few times already..it didn’t help much though, I suppose the medication isn’t working for me.I might try out zoloft, just to get my mood and emotion control working again..to live a more normal life as a person at least..and for your last question, no, I’ve never tried to talk it out with a professional counselor.
And thanks David for your offer of your listening ear..I appreciate it.
=) thanks once again…..
Sad_gay, about your main concern weather you can be accepted as a gay, give people a chance to do it and just tell them. I have three children, two boys and a girl, and believe me I don’t matter at all about such questions. I mean, homosexuality is nothing to be proud or to be ashamed of, it is just a state of the nature. Did you ever reed Plato’s Symposium? In the Ancient Greece homosexuality or bisexuality were a common thing, and Plato says that gays are the best, perhaps the only real men. I do not completely agree with Plato, I think that gays are neither better nor worse than heterosexuals. Morally, a man who loves a matching soul living in the body of another man is better into my eyes than a man who loves no soul but only female bodies. Promiscuity is for me far worse than homosexuality, I don’t know what you think about it.
If I were your mother I’d be very worried about your depression and your conflicts, and about your falling grades in college, but not about your being gay. I’d love you more than ever and give you all my support, considering all the struggle you are going through and the difficulties that you may find on your way. Do your parent know about prozac and the shrink? If they knew that you are almost considering suicide as an escape, they would not care at all about your sexual preferences, the only important thing for your parents is that you stay alive and healthy, the second that you become a good Chemical Engineer (by the way, a good choice).
Please forgive my mistakes, I am not a native speaker. Have a good night, sleep well, and start a positive week tomorrow.
Hi David,
Please get in touch with the Metropolitan Community Church (general Protestants — founder was Baptist, I think?), or Integrity (Episcopalians) or Dignity (Catholics) or any of the other churches that were started by gays & lesbians who didn’t feel welcome as out gays in their original churches but didn’t want to give up their belief in God. You’ll meet some good people there. (Not a bad place to meet a partner, even.) If you are not comfortable telling family or friends that you are gay, these are places where you will find people who understand that very well, & who will certainly accept you, & who won’t make you feel you have to choose between being truthful about who you are & being a Christian. What’s the old saying — “God made me. God doesn’t make junk”? Something to keep in mind on the hard days.
At 18 I tried to commit suicide — because I was bisexual & couldn’t tell anyone, because I couldn’t see past depression & loneliness, because there didn’t seem to be anything or anyone ahead for me. That was quite a few years ago. I’d have missed out on so much if I’d succeeded. Life isn’t always perfect, once you get out into the world, but it sure is interesting — much more interesting than when you are stuck being a student.
Here’s one incentive to keep up your grades: as an engineer you will have a lot more choices about where to live & how. Think of it as your ticket to the next phase of your life. It’s tough to think about being patient when you are 19, but I promise you that reliable career skills will allow you to go more places & meet more people (including people to love who will love you — most people don’t meet a life partner at 19, so don’t think that train is leaving without you). Hang on, go to class, go to the gym if you can (working out is good for depression), don’t fall in love with your roommates (guess how I know this is a bad idea!), & see what happens next. I think it’s safe to say that your life may be more than you ever thought to hope for. Stay well & see what’s next.
all i have to say is just be yourself!!
i know it isnt much, but its all ive got. and 4 wat its worth, I rekon gay guys are awesome!! 😀
Hi there
I am gay as well, nearing 40 and in a relationship of 14 years. For all intensive purposes, I would class my life as normal – I have some of the joys of life (I consider myself good-looking for my age, I’ve started and sold a business, I am a pretty good photographer) and some of the pain (my mother died of cancer, I don’t get on with my sister-in-law, I got fired from a job last year).
Firstly, the depression you are feeling is normal for a gay person at your age. Unfortunately, being a gay teen is very hard, and almost all of us who went through that have thought about suicide. Recognise that the severity of your depression is a sign you are one of those people who feel very deeply, and this is probably going to make you a very effective lover in the future, and hopefully make some young man exceedingly happy.
While some depression is just unwanted pain, I believe, together with Scott Peck, one of the leading psychiatrists in the 80’s, some depression is part of our “legitimate suffering” as humans. I think the feelings you feel as you recognise that you are gay (denial, anger, depression, bargaining) will help you become stronger, and teach you how to cope with some of the attitudes that you will encounter as a gay person. Eventually you will be able to find acceptance and peace, it takes time, but believe me, it is possible.
I am always loathe to give advice, but I want to mention a couple of things you can try. See if any of these things call you, and if so, make some effort to put it into practice.
(1) You seem conflicted about Christianity and being gay. Realise that there are many gay Christians out there. They are perhaps not as fundamentalist as people at your church, but they are out there. In particular, check out the Metropolitan Community Church (http://www.mccchurch.org), and click on the Find an MCC link to see if there is a church near you. You owe it to yourself to visit at least one or two of their services, and see if it is right for you.
(2) As a gay person, you most likely find that many of the rites of passage come a bit slower than for straight people. It’s unfortunate, but that is how life is at the moment for a lot of gay people growing up. Remember there is no timetable that will determine your first kiss, your first sexual experience and your first serious relationship. These will all happen in your own time and when you are ready. Don’t be too hard on yourself about trying to get out of the closet if you are not ready, or compare yourself to your straight friends.
(3) I would suggest that you try and find one or two good friends to come out to as a start. I generally think cultivating a friendship with one or two girls is a good idea, as it is usually much easier to come out to a girl than a guy. Since you are seem to be okay with your looks, you probably could make a female friend pretty easy, especially if you choose girls who don’t conform to the unfortunate media view of what is beautiful. You will be surprised how many lonely girls are out there. Just be careful with girls who fall in love with you though, it can be awkward. I found my female friends at college were some of the deepest and meaningful friendships I had. It is far less daunting to go to a gay club with a girl, and a good girlfriend can always accompany you to events you don’t want to out yourself at. I still do this with my girlfriends.
(4) Start realising that being gay isn’t all that you are. Gay should be just one of the things that describe you, not something that determines your whole identity. A way to do this is to make a list of at least 30 things you like about yourself. They can be aspects of your character (I am generous), an achievement (I made my school’s running team) or a dream you have (I want to be a photographer). Keep that list for when you start coming out to people – while most people will accept you over time – there are going to be people who reject you, and you can use your list to remind them that you are still the same great guy they always knew. If they still reject you for being gay, you know that are too blind to notice all the other wonderful things about you.
(5) Realise that love is not dependence. You do not need another person in your life to make you complete. It’s great if that happens, but if it does not happen at this point in your life, you need to know that you can still function as a human being. Use this time to make connections with people that go beyond just sexual attraction. There are many different types of love: friendship, family love, doing charity, passion for a hobby, bringing up a pet. One thing I find sad is a lot of my single gay friends seem to become so dependent on the sexual side of relationships, they are only happy as long as they have someone to fuck. When that goes away, they often become so distraught that they do destructive things like drugs or alcohol. Don’t let this happen to you – it may sound cliched – but you can only love others when you love yourself. Otherwise, it is dependence, not love.
If you need to talk further, you can mail me at drukdeur@live.co.za
Strength to you – it gets better over time!
You know, growing up I had a friend. He was gay, and I knew it. Raised a very strict christian, I didn’t know how to feel about the matter, and I knew that one day he would address it with me. Years went by, and he didn’t. Five years into adulthood he confessed his true self to me. He felt relieved just to say the words to another person. He had many things to say much like what you have said. I remember telling him that it is not only gay people that have hard times when it comes to relationships. We all do. I have been married and dvorced. Nothing I have ever tried has worked to make a successful relationship for me. Some day you will find that person that you desire, and that reciprocates that desire. Good Luck.
Life sucks a lot, i shouldn’t be talking, i hate myself most of the time, but honestly in the very end of it, you need to find someone to talk to. That can be a relative a friend anyone who will listen and try to help. If you are getting negative vibes from someone in your life, then you need to get away from them, tell them that you really want to help them, but you need to help yourself first. I think i may be doing that to someone, and i need to give him a break. Its ok to put yourself first sometimes, because you cannot help everyone else truly and fully until you help yourself. I truly believe if you put your heart and mind to it you can get through this, and think about this, would God turn anyone, gay, straight, bi doesn’t matter he loves everyone. Life can suck and you can want to die, and other times you die, even when you are alive, but i know somewhere deep down you don’t want to die. I am also pretty sure that you have family/friends that really care about you. And if you think that you cannot have a heathy relationship where you are, move somewhere were being gay isn’t such a big deal. Good luck!
helper
Hi sad_gay!
I want you to know that I too, am 19, gay, and Christian. I too have struggled with this and I continue to struggle.
I am a dedicated Roman Catholic. I was raised in the church and during my struggle with depression, that nearly ended in suicide (in fact it was my priest who took me to the hospital following my attempted o.d.). And I would like to tell you, as someone who has studied this long and hard….
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Jesus is about love. John teaches that God is Love. In Genesis, the author records how God looked at His creation and saw that it was good. You are good. The Scriptural references that are usually understood to pertain to homosexuality were only understood that way after the translation of Scripture into English. Leviticus and Romans both refer to a type of idolatry that included keeping young boys in pagan temples; here, worshipers would have sex with these temple prostitutes as a way of divine communication with their deities. Sodom and Gomorrah is recorded not only in Genesis but is also referred to by several prophets and by Christ. No where do these people call the sin of Sodom homosexual acts. In fact, they regard it as a violation of the sacred duty of hospitality ancient cities held in common.
I feel your pain, I really, really do. I was raised in a very conservative Christian family where the idea of homosexuality was held in deep disgust. Since my time in the mental hospital, things have increasingly gotten better with my family, and this is possible to happen with you. I share your pain with the difficulty in finding a boyfriend and the pain of whether it is acceptable or not. I know its not possible to just up and leave the area where you are situated and live in. But I also know its possible to survive.
If you wish to contact me, you may find me on okcupid.com, screen name, Silence_Speaks
hay, dont wory about people not acsepting you. im sorta undecided rightnow im ether bi or lesbo. iv never felt right with a boy. i have a cousen that is gay. hes cool with it. my gp hat him but every6 tim im around them and lukes thare thay make an atempt to be nice becaus ill let out my “a rose by any other name still smells as sweet” lecture. honistly thay hate wan i get all smarticul with thim. besids gay duds ar awsom!!!! if you ned a person who wont judge you e meial me at jinxed.love@yahoo.com and i wold love it if you wold jone my web page http://lovedbynonehatedbymanny.webs.com/ ty
(Sorry for such a late reply but thanks for reading this anyway [if you are reading it, obviously you ARE reading it])
I am fourteen years old and have a story very similiar to yours. Since about eleven I have been questioning my sexuality and still choose not to label myself. However I am not really attracted to females and am to males.
I became a Chrsitian at the start of twelve and am very passionate about my God, I am now a ‘rookie leader’ at my youth group. I have read many resources about homosexuality and regularly ‘catch up’ with my connect group leader and pastoral care worker to talk about my sexuality.
I understand that my church does not support homosexuality, however they are very loving and caring towards me and want to help me. They think its something I need to battle with and overcome. My pastoral care worker (not part of my church but a partner church) is just very supportive and wants to help me find whats best.
I’m all very confused about it all but OVERALL there is one thing I am positive about in my life: I love my God and my God loves me! For me this is the most important thing to me in my life! And no matter what happens in my life I know I am going to follow through life remembering that!
Finding my sexuality and how that fits into my spiritual life was very hard for me untill I finally realised that I was trying to fit my sexuality into my spiritual life when really I should be following my spiritual life and let it lead my sexuality.
There is just one thing I tell you about it all: I know that at times I really wish there was a life handbook to tell me how to do it all, but I’m so sorry, there isn’t. It’s your life, and it’s your sexuality. Only you can tell you who you are! Finding your sexuality is a journey you (and I[not together]) must take, It’s most likely going to take years. But no matter what, please could you just remember: You love God, and God loves you!
Not sure if this will be phrased properly…
Being ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ isn’t anyone’s fault-it isn’t your fault. Whether or not the person you love is a man, woman or something in between is irrelevent.
The society we live in has told us all from an early age that being gay is ‘wrong’. This is completely incorrect. It is merely different. You don’t hear about people being socially ostracized because they have a pimple, do you (except in show-biz!)? Veriaty is the spice of life. Without veriaty, we would be a society of mindless androids.
I’m not sure about anything I’ve written. I guess I’m just trying to say you’re not alone (though you know it already from the other comments)-I am also gay, and have hidden it my entire life with a vast, complex web of lies and deception. It gives me the shakes just writing those words. I’ve never admitted it anywhere, to anyone, or recorded it anywhere.
I also became depressed when I first realized that I was gay, but I realised that it is totally irrelevant. Other problems can also be worked around. Just remember, you’re not alone, anywhere, anytime.
This is the last time I’ll ever post on this website again; I’ve finally reached an understanding by realising that there are others like me, not just as an abstract, but as people I can really talk to and listen to. My thanks go to you, sad_gay. Your writing in particular helped me. Sorry for my earlier post; I’ve only ever spoken and written lies for my entire life, and I am clumsy and halting with truthful words. You helped change that, and helped me reconsider ending my own life. That is your legacy. Whatever happens, take comfort in that you’ve saved a life, and helped it take a constructive course.
I am only sixteen, but I will give you my own experience. It probably won’t help you, but it is all I can give you.
I find that dealing with homosexuality is extremely difficult; it is always difficult. That is, if you keep it as an enemy. It is part of you, part of that shining jewel that is your consciousness, mind, memories, and for spiritual people, your soul-use it and allow it to be part of you. It is that facet or crack that helps make something interesting and exotic, as opposed to dull and predictable.
The only way I deal with it is by self-control of my sexual side, emotional suppression (not healthy), avoiding ‘locker-room’ situations, and by immersing myself in a non-sexual fantasy. Try it; find a book, or a TV show, a place, a point in history or a world within your own mind. Immerse yourself in it, and your worries and problems become irrelevant. You could also take up a sport or artistic activity, or become an eco-greeny. Whatever makes you happy, no matter how stupid or immature.
Oh, and as a side-note, I am 100% Athiest. However, if a God or Gods exist, I believe they will understand your situation and support you as well. Perhaps, think of this as a test.