Gay and Devastated

  April 5th, 2009 by sad_gay

Hey everyone…..I’m 19 years old this year, and I’m a gay boy.

Being gay isn’t easy at all as I’ve always been the black sheep..if you know what I mean…I have always tried my best to fit in with the people around me, and I’ve succeeded in adapting, as I’ve always done my best to ignored myself as a gay and being different from everyone around me.I was in a state of denial.

Everything was going pretty fine for myself socially I suppose..Until I started to go through the pressures of relationships and the like.I’m at a total loss here….my friends are all getting into relationships and what am I doing?Still standing still as usual.I hate it.I feel really jealous somehow of straight people, being able to go through life the way it’s supposed to be and enjoying it to the fullest.I’m the extroverted type…but if only…..I can somehow fit in to the cast with the rest, like everyone else.

Getting myself a boyfriend isn’t easy as well…Although I’m decent looking..Because I’m still in the closet about my status as a gay.I’m also in a dilemma whether I should be getting one or not..because I’ve been a pretty faithful Christian since I was 13, or tried to be.Mostly because of me being gay I question God and stuff.I’m so tired of this…What am I to do?But for now as a Christian…I don’t consider myself as one anymore, barely I would say.I have too much doubts about God and everything about this.I stopped going to church because of this matter itself…and because of another thing.

…and the other thing is that is because I have depression and anxiety.I feel church isn’t helping this one bit, the support people offer to me in church, saying God is with me, He will give me strength, seems so useless up to date, as much as I want to believe it is so, but until now I can’t prove that to be true for myself and my life.I’ve been into depression for about 2 years so far, was under prozac for a couple of months and stopped, due to financial probs.

I believe I got into depression for multiples of reasons, and mostly is because of who I am as a gay.I find it very unfair and devastating that I can’t live a normal life the way everybody else does.Okay, normal is so cliche, but at least a normal love life?I feel I don’t even have the right to love the people around me, I know I can love people in a sense I can call them my family and friends…but, what about having someone I can call my own?I’m in desperate need of someone to share my life with…but I don’t know..this is very upsetting.I get angry sometimes because God doesn’t allow me to love..how is that fair?What is life then for me?What’s there for me?I need to be loved too..

I’m very tired and exhausted emotionally & mentally from thinking about my life..I can’t imagine going through life alone all the way, without somebody by my side.I seriously wanna die already..and get this over with…I don’t care how..I just hope to end my life now.Accident or self-inflicted, I don’t care.Apparently I’m not strong enough to take all this in..I’m the type that would love to love and be loved…but it’s not possible is it?Where’s the life in my life then?I’m tired of not having anyone to understand me..but I can’t blame them because they do not know the real situation with myself as a gay and all.I’m tired….very tired of pretending and keeping it all in.I still feel deeply depressed and I believe I gave up on life…I need someone.Period.

Please help..

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