The Last Moment

To pull a trigger.  To jump off the building.  To make that last cut that’s really deep enough to do the damage.

It’s that last moment that’s always so hard to get around.

There are so many opportunities to die.  So many.  And so easy it is!  And yet there’s something that holds most of us back when we get to that edge.

I suppose that’s the reason why lots of us choose pills instead of more direct means…  It’s hard to actually take action to be physically destructive to the self in a final way.  But pills?  They’re easy.  They don’t hurt when you take them.  And they don’t act on you immediately.

I have remained for four days unable to move past the last moment.  Death has been one finger twitch away.  But it has not come.  The last tiny little action has not come.  I’ve stopped myself every time.  Even when I’ve been so confident I’d do it, I’ve stopped myself, waited, put down the weapon, looked around myself, got up, and walked away.

I’ve four to six days left that I can wait.  I’ve enough money to keep waiting that long.  Living in hotels, waiting for the moment of inspiration to come to bring me past that last roadblock. It’s just one click.  One twitch of the finger.  One infinitely small action.

I pray I can make it.  Re-integration with the rest of the matter of the universe has been a long time coming.