True peace-Not to be

April 18th, 2009by Dods

I am maladjusted to this bad commercial called “Life”. The thought of being just another person makes me sick. There is always someone smarter, more talented, better looking, stronger, faster, and the list goes on ad nauseum. I guess happy people take one of two roads: 1)They constantly reassure themselves either knowingly or not, that they are this great value, this special person, this one-of-a-kind individual, or 2)They resign to being a pleasure-seeking mammal…The only thing that is true and everlasting is death, and on this side of the grave, there is not a thing a person can do that holds real value except suicide. It is the ultimate decision-not based on sex, money, fame, security, or malice. THAT is freedom. Everyday I wake up and reboot with the same bug in the software, and I’m growing tired of it. True happiness and true peace is a state of not being. Think about it, were things not perfect before you were born? The only reason for living is pleasure (even charity workers do their work because it makes THEM feel good, otherwise why do it?) and I cannot enjoy things anymore. I’m tired of my face, my scrawny body, my half-talents. I’m tired of being nervous and feeling unimportant. What do I get for not committing suicide? Another day of all that? I was brought up in a “normal” home, never was poor, I’m not disfigured and I can go back to college any day I want because my family has money, but with all that, why can’t I just be satisfied like so many other people can with much less?? I’ve thought about ways to commit suicide: gun, pills, leaping off something, drowning, death by cop, slitting my wrists, hanging, turn my car into a tree, run my car in the garage…The ONLY thing that keeps me from doing it is to think about how my family would react. I was walking in the woods the other day and thought of an epithet: Remember me well, and jaded.

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