We always believe it we have it so bad. If we didn’t, none of us would be here writing our stories that are filled with anger and pain. I suppose I am bitter. Bitter with everyone I trusted that I know can not stand but have no escape from.
I would like to believe I am a good person who is a useful community member. As it stands I find this very hard to believe. And like everyone else …. I don’t know why. I can not understand my thought process let alone why everything is upside down and twisted around in my life.
At 11 years old I was sexually abused by my babysitter’s husband. He committed sucicide when my parents reported it and I have always felt his death was my fault. My father quit his job to stay home and he did it too. He sexually abused me. I had been betrayed by the one person I thought I could trust. What a shame. I never told anyone. I lived with that for 15 years. Until last year when my own father approached me about having a sexual relationship with him. I snapped. I told my entire family everything. He even admitted it to my mom & Uncle while nearly having a heart attatck. It was reported the cops, on file, in writing – but yet …… I was the one who was in the wrong. Can you believe that? I sat in a police station at 26 years old in front of my 51 year old mother and shared all the dirty details of what he did to me. In the end – I was cast aside. I was called a liar, a trouble maker, ect. I had no motive to lie about any of this. I had lived out 15 years of my life like NOTHING happened. And when I finally told them – I was a liar. My mom who I thought was my best friend told my Aunt & Uncle I had “Exagerated”. She betrayed me too and is still with my dad. And the REALLY sick part of it – my husband took sides with them and I am supposed to act like NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. I’m supposed to just carry on.
Between the above and my husband’s alcohal addiction which sent him to jail, than an inpatient rehab I lost it. I overdosed one evening. My than boyfriend carried me to the car and drove me to the hospital where the doctor told everyone “I don’t know if she’ll live or die and there is nothing we can do for her. The pills are too far into her system”. My boyfriend who was also my best friend (another story) – told me after I obviously woke up, went to the psych unit, than came home that my Aunt down sized me the WHOLE time I was laying in my “death bed” and that my dad did the same. Everyone told the Dr about what a terriable person I was and how I was doing this all for attention. That’s not true! I was doing it to get the hell away from them. Forever. Everything hurt so much. And it still does.
Too boot I am a mother of three. How selfish am I? Not even considering them.
I still think about it sometimes. As it stands my boyfriend is off to boot camp to try and make a better life for himself. My parents still come around acting as though nothing happened. And my soon to be ex-husband just wont go away. I am a single mom of three children who has no direction, no money, no job … I feel like it’s a daily battle I will never win.
But there’s light!!!!
I WILL make something of it. I WILL change my situation. I WILL be somebody damn it!
I have been there, done that, and bought the T-Shirt friends. My soon to be ex-husband is/was a raging alcohalic. I have been beat, I have been emotionally abused by him – I have been betrayed by my parents and family – but I WILL get back up on my feet and stand the fuck up. Why???? Because I can.
Because I have three little someones who love me just as I am right now. Imperfect and with flaws.Â Because I’m bull-headed and wont allow anyone ever push me down so hard again that I feel helpless.
You can do the same you know. Screw that guy or girl who doesn’t see how wonderful you truly are! Let them miss out on all the goodness of you. And screw that teacher that can’t see past how horriable an older sibling was so they take it out on you. Screw your boss who doesn’t appreciate your long hours and hard work. And screw the community that doesn’t appreciate what you give back. Screw them.
But YOU – you are appreciated and there is always someone out there that can relate to you. It might take some time to meet them. In the meantime – be you, love you, live for you, and don’t ever ever let anyone take that away from you.
You live ONE life friends and YOU have your hands on the steering wheel. Are you going to drive until the Motherfkn wheels fall off or let go?
I am always available to chat with anyone that would like to share a story, *****, whine, cry, scream…. hell I’ll even go as far as giving you my # so you have someone to listen. So there is ONE person who cares.
Feel free to contact me anytime ~ firstname.lastname@example.org