As I sit here trying to write what is so called my life, it is hard to not have suicidial thoughts…
It all started since I was 8 years old. I don’t know why then but I remember one night my brother and I were in the kitchen while my drunk dad and my mom went to the store because my dad demanded more beer. I went to the kitchen sink and grabbed a knife and put it towards my stomach I told him I wanted to die! He took it away from me. After that, it did not happen again.
Recently my ex-fiance from almost 3 years and I broke up. I had the courage to tell him that I had cheated on him with a guy that today I finally realized after 3 years that was not worth my time! During the 3 years that I was with my fiance I kept in contact, did not have sex with him but only merely a couple times. My finance and I were supposed to get married in August this year but I felt the need to tell him because I wanted things to be okay with us and I take marriage very seriously and did not want to have any lies or secrets behind his back. I knew it was going to be over and so I told him. I now find myself lost and hopeless because he was the love of my life! I love him soo much and I miss him and i feel that my world is nothing without him. I never knew that I would feel this way. Its all my fault that I lost what could have been the best life with a man that loved me more than anything in the world. I don’t want to live if I cant be with him. I know you all have heard similar stories and all but I truly cannot continue being without him because it was my faul and i messed up everything! I don’t want to suffer anymore, i dont want to cry anymore, i dont want to go through this anymore!!!! I just want things to be okay again and be happy and just be with him. I cannot stand the pain any longer. I want to dissapear and just be free from any of this pain that happens during life…. I don’t know what to do anymore. My friends arent even there when I need them and my family is just messed up that I cannot confide in them. I am all alone in the world with no one to talk to because everyone seems to be busy or simply “cannot make it”. I don;t know what to do anymore….
2 comments
Yeah. I know it sucks when your friends all seem to be ‘too busy’ and you find out that they go out with some other friends(also your friends) and you weren’t invited out. And you feel like, “Great. Just great. That was really nice, guys.” We could talk. You could talk to other people(eg a psychologist or psychiatrist). Talking doesn’t solve the problem… And neither does medication. But it does help numb the pain. You can talk to me by clicking on my name.
You believe your heart is beyond repair. It is not, but I know what you are saying. At the age of 21, I found my first girlfriend in life. Did you get that? Never before did I ever have one. In our society, you can imagine what that is like. When I lost her, having known no other in my life, I was devastated to say the very least. I like you, wanted to die, die, die. I had never felt so much pain in my whole entire life. Needless to say, even I got through this. Surely you can get through this. Just remember, when you think you’re in a bad place, there’s always somebody worse off than you are. Did you recently hear about the first American face transplant? A few days ago, they finally revealed the identity of the woman. She spoke at a news conference. Her poor face is is completely unrecognizable from her original face, and it looks disfigured I’m sorry to say, but considering that her nose, forehead, and cheeks were shot off, she at least has some kind of face now. Now ask yourself if you are better off than she is. I say this in all love.