As my username suggests, this story is from a few years back, but I think that it’s worth sharing. And yes, this is lengthy, but I’m very sure that it’s worth the read.
This was probably the worst I had felt in weeks, life just wasn’t working out for me. I was stressed under mountains of homework, stuck singing in a choir that I hated that controlled my life and I had no social life. I didn’t know how to deal or cope with stress at all. A week prior to that day, I kept writing in this one notebook:
“Tell somebody, tell somebody”
It was the last ditch effort. And it failed. Not even my birthday could even cheer me up. I was quiet and sullen, and I suppose nobody noticed. I’m not saying that my parents are to blame, I mean it’s not easy trying to read a teenagers mind.
It was the day before thanksgiving day. That was the day I snapped. During the hussle and bussle of the yearly holiday, I stole and took over thirty-six aspirin and a few Ecotrins. After that, I went for a walk in hopes of clearing my head, but no clarity came to mind. It seemed like the sun wouldn’t even shine through the smog that keeps such a strong grip over the city.
It wasn’t until later that night when I started to feel the effects of the aspirin. My ears were ringing, I was sweating profusely, I didn’t feel like I could breath properly and I was seeing starbursts in my vision. I had totally forgot what I did previously that day.
It was probably one of the hardest things telling my parents what I did. It was the biggest guilt trip I had ever been on and to top things off, my parents didn’t believe me. I spent 15 minutes trying to explain to them what I actually did. At that point I felt totally ashamed at what I did. I have a very good life, I have two caring parents, endless opportunities, a bright future ahead of me and a good upbringing. I didn’t know where I had gone wrong.
That night, once my parents drove me to the emergency room and I was settled into a waiting room, sitting there and watching their tears was overwhelming. It was even worse once I had to drink charcoal. I was told by the doctors that it probably wouldn’t do much because I had taken the pills very early in the day and it was now two in the morning. But I drank it anyways. It was bitter to see my parents egg me on to drink the foul connocotion.
The morning after, a psychiatrist came in to see me. She said I seemed rather well adapted and distant. At the time, I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live. I didn’t want to see the ones around me living in pain. After the psychiatrist finished I was able to take a walk with one of the nurses. I went to go see these kids who were having these complex surgeries or that had just come from surgery. There was so much hope and joy in their eyes. It made me wonder, why this kids who didn’t have a fair chance at life, why I was so lucky and blessed to have every little organ in place and functioning. I think it finally kicked in at that point that I was meant to live. That I should take an example from these kids.
Now, this sounds like a fairytale, but its not. A few or so after, I wanted to kill myself again. I had the same feelings and nothing had really changed. I had nobody to talk to and nobody who could listen. I clamed up once again and closed myself to the world. However, I felt like a failure for not succeeding in killing myself. I couldn’t even take my own life, so why should I try again. So I pitied myself for a very long time. And I still hated myself, and I even hate what I was back then now.
I had no support system. I had no backbone. I had no one to really help me through the time. Around three or four months after the pulsing sensation of killing me had pretty much left my mind, I got help. I started to talk to a psychatrist and I got on mediacation.
I found out that the latter did not work on me. I felt worse on the medication, so I ended up not taking it. I still hated myself so much and I just did not want to be me. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be a shadow and not a person.
I honestly don’t know or remember how I got through those times. I think I ended up getting a better support group and I made a great friend. My mom. I don’t hate myself anymore, in fact I love my personality a lot now. (I say that with confidence and not with an ego). And even if your situation seems bleak, you’re not alone. It sounds cheesy and I absolutely hated that saying, but it 100% true. If you ever need someone to talk to, please send me a message and I will gladly talk to you and I’ll try to give you advice to keep you on track. There is hope, even on the darkest day.
-Sincerely yours
G
5 comments
G,
I was really moved by your story. Thank you for sharing that.
I lost my little brother recently to suicide; I really wish he had been able to speak to you first, I’m sure you would have convinced him not to do it.
Keep on fighting, I know its hard, every day. But its worth it.
Thankyou again,
Sam
G-
I have a question for you- I am a suicide attempt survivor just like you. Long story short, I took a bunch of muscle relaxers and anxiety pills all at once in a fit of anxiety and moments later regretted my decision knowing it may be permanent. I called my sister and she called my family and sent a panic through everyone I knew. A friend of mine drove me to the hospital but on the way I passed out, waking up from a coma 12 hours later lying in a hospital bed not knowing what the heck was going on. I was surrounded by people telling me that I tried to kill myself. I was in disbelief and denial big time! Soon after that, my husband (relationship of 7 years) left me (physically left the state!) because of other reasons previous to my attempt and my family started to be very distant from me. I also got into a new relationship with a friend which was not ok with my family and they were not shy about telling me their views. I got very distant but was also extremely desperate for support. I never got it…at least not from my family. My friend ended up being the one who supported me through everything and is now my fiance (after a long journey through hell). My point is that I am still having a lot of painful emotions about my family not being supportive. They don’t talk about the attempt (which was a huge deal to me) and a lot of them treat me differently. I am trying desperately to understand what people feel on the other side. I know that I should talk to them but right now it’s really not ideal. I hope to do so in the future….please offer any experience you had with family or friends being distant or just not talking to you. Thanks.
C
G~
I have never met you, and I more than likely never will. But from reading what you went through I feel as though you have been right next to me throughout my own experience. Your story has spoken to me in a manner that no sad song on the radio, no therapist, and no movie can compare to. Our stories are incredibly similar, and I wanted you to know that sharing your experience, is helping me deal with my recovery a little more.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
G~
One more thing, I thought you might appreciate this quote.
“Nothing worth doing happens the first time around.â€
-Anonymous
Ok so I just read your story, and while I see the pain that you felt I am curious as to how old you are. See I am a woman in her forties with a husband who hates me, and two wonderful kids a boy and a girl who will suffer the same despairing life because of me. See I have single handedly put my family in financial ruins. I went to college, got two degrees, one in psychology and one a masters degree in special education. I can’t seem to pass the state exam in math so that I can get a teaching license. I keep trying and trying and keep failing by mere points. My family, is paying my mortgage, but can’t do this for long. My husband has said repeatedly how I have ruined his life, and we must sell our house. I can’t bare to do this because my kids have settled in fine here and have friends,and fit in this neighborhood. We are so broke that I can’t even see an end to this mess. Jobs are few, and none are paying what I need, not just want but need so that we can live. I have tried to open a day care in my home, but my husband works 3rd shift and says he can’t sleep then. I can’t seem to fix this and soon we will lose everything. Our family does nothing but fight because there is so much stress. Both my kids are showing signs of problems from living in this environment. I can’t even get counseling because the deduct able is too high for us to pay. No one can help me, I really don’t see a reason to be here. My life has never been good, and seems to stay on the same dark path it’s always been on. If I stay on this earth I will surely pass this on to my kids. I only wanted my family to live a decent, happy, successful life. I wanted my kids to go to college, get good jobs that they enjoyed, and some day find someone to share the rest of their lives with. But I can’t even create an atmosphere for this to happen for them. I will never ever be able to make things better for my family. I figure if I wasn’t here my husband could claim some of our bills due to my death, my kids would not want to live in this house so moving wouldn’t be so bad, and I could finally break this black cloud over my family. I am glad that things changed for you eventually, but I don’t think that this is true for everyone, and sometimes death really is the only answer. Thanks for listening.
D