i have it good compared to others but i go and try to screw it up the first chance i get

I am such an idiot! I see that something is finally going right, then I screw it up! I hate myself. This isn’t me. It’s not who I am. It’s wrong. I know it is wrong. I feel so guilty! Why did I do this? I know what the outcome will be. I have this small doubt still. Somehow It will work out. What if it dosn’t?! What if I lose the few people I have just because I had to say a few things like that?! I know how wrong it is. How wrong I am to do so. What the hell is wrong with me?! I knew I could never actually go through with it. Now i think to myself that if I can push away, I can kill myself and noone will care. No real tears at a funural. Always six feet away from people. It’s just a small triger. I would be able to pull it. Sure, my hands may shake, I would be scared, my eyes would water. If I missed, maybe I could still have the strength to get it right the next time. Finish myself off. It would hurt, but It could be over. I seem so selfish, I know. This is what I would do if I lost those people. I seem to burn everything I love. Nothing seems right. My bofriend is too good for me. He dosn’t deserve me, he deserves someone much better then that/me. I am faithful to him…. in a way. I know I could and will never cheat on him.    
This past weekend I got a call from one of my friends(well, was my friend, but we have grown appart a long time ago) boyfriend to see If I wanted to go skating with him, that he was trying to get a bunch of people together to hang out becaues his girlfriend was hanging out with a couple of friends(all girl thing I guess). We never really spoke or anything. When he did speak, it would be about him and me. It was wierd, and made me kind of uncomfortable. I never really knew why. His girlfriend and him had been going out for a long time. They argued and stuff knid of a lot, but I was never around so I didn’t think anything of it. I stayed away because it seemed like he always looked at me diffrently than everybody else. I’m not one to start trouble. I hate fights. As far as I knew they were still going out and stuff then. I’m still not too sure. Yesterday, I texted him because since school has been out noone from school has even talked to me, and my boyfriend didn’t answer his phone. We got to talking about normal things. I took something for a head ache. It was p.m. so I thought I would just fall asleep like I normally do. I didn’t. He asked if I wanted to know a secret. I said “sure”. What else was I suppose to say? He told me something and I told him that I was going to pretend he was lieing. (it’s not as bad as your proly thinking, but i’m not telling you anyways). On, and on, blah, blah. He started asking wierd questions and I wasn’t use to that. I was a little druged I guess though I didn’t OD. Ok, I’m shuting up about this. What I’m trying to say is it got out of hand and I said some things I really shouldn’t have. I don’t know what came over me. I rember what I thought after I read the text this morning to make sure I didn’t say antything stupid. I don’t know. He dosn’t have a girlfriend anymore though and I am worried I will totally mess things up with my boyfriend. I can’t even tell If  I’m making sence with all of this shit. I can’t get either one of them off my mind right now. I only want… NEED one person. I need my boyfriend. I’m happy with him. He seems happy with me. He is everything to me. How can the other person cause so much complication in my mind? As if there isn’t enough things racing in my mind already. I just realized I am crying. I am scared… lost… confused? I know what I should do. I don’t have friends really. Can we be friends? Am I wrong to want to be friends? I’m not even sure if thats what he was wanting to be more than friends or just friends. I am such a mess. I feel like I’m about to commit suicide though I know I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. That just makes me angry and mad at myself even more. Maybe I will just cut myself. That will take my mind off of things for a bit I hope. This isn’t the only reason I want to kill myself by the way. I could go on and on about my fucked up life. I know I could be worse off. There are plenty of people on this website that is worse off than me. I haven’t even started to name the things in my life that I could take my life for. Give people satifaction of me being gone forever.
I can’t take this anymore. I want to give up!

I have to go now or I may never finish
noone will proly read this and actually care anyways, so is’s a waste of time almost