Just trying to be here

i felt as you are the same as me before. in school before i tried to pictured myself to be happy-go-lucky. but in reality that wasnt me. i faked my smiles, i faked my happiness, i faked my shine, but it is all fake. eventually, as i get older i realised that my past is somewhat fake. all i experienced is fake. the person who people know is fake. that not me. everytime people tell me about how cheerful i am, i smiled but in heart i know they didnt know the real me. i am alone. i fell into depression. eventually, my faked persona faded little by little as i am filled with negative thoughts. i am no longer the person whom i was to be. no longer smiled. no longer cheerful. but in my heart, i felt “this is real”. i believe that my real self is a dark, negative person. a sadist, maniacal savage, with a black heart full of malice. then a lot of people started leaving my life. but i dont care i bit. cause i am happy the way i am. i am happy being honest. but i felt alone. very alone for a long time. i started longing for my fake, past self. at then i realised something. i know i faked the whole thing. i faked my smiles. i faked my laughter. but why am i felt so envy of my past self? at that time, i realised that although my feelings are faked, some people’s feelings for me are probably real. maybe that what they called a feeling of “happiness”. and then i cried for a long time.

i made recovery little by little since that time. but i am still suffering. i pray that your future will be at a better end than me, since i lost a lot because i regretted too late.