Well, it’s about that time…again! I am awaiting the police to serve my warrant and take me to jail for defrauding my bank (1800.00)…but I had too, I had to pay the rent, bills and put food on the table for my family! I tried to explain to them, but money matters more in this world than life or so it seems! I already have a criminal background in fraud from years ago, always trying to support my family seems to get me in trouble. Yes, I have a job but it does not pay all the bills and we get further in debt everyday. My husband has served in Iraq for 3 tours and ever since he got out of the Air Force we have suffered.
I tried to commit suicide back in 2003…3 bottles of Tylenol PM and I sliced my right wrist all the way to the bone. I still have no feeling in it as I cut every tendon and ulnar nerve in my wrist. I kept waking up throughout the night and kept slicing with the razor blade. Needless to say I am still here, after a week in hospital due to surgery trying to repair the damage and the lovely psych ward.
I got to meet one of the EMT’s that was on site at my house and to this day he told me he still has no clue how such a beautiful woman (I have no clue why everyone thinks I am, when I feel so ugly inside) is even alive today. He said my whole King size bed was full of blood and there was nothing left of my wrist other then tendons flapping around, skin just hanging, and bone. He said I barely had a pulse, but taking all the sleeping pills made my heart stop pumping so much blood and that is why I am probably still here…Yea Me…whatever!!
6 months ago, when our car was taken and we were evicted I tried again! STUPID…I tried with 3 bottles of Unisom and drank a bottle of wine. Hey guess what, my failure of an ass is still here! Pretty said I am such a failure I cannot even kill myself, huh? Sleeping pills…HUGE MISTAKE, I woke up to stomach pumping, seeing spiders all over me with red ants biting me and just freaking out completely! Oh, and I have liver damage…again Yea Me…
This time, it’s going to be a hanging! I honestly think if I prepare it all correctly I will finally be able to do the job…you know the saying, 3rd times a charm? Lets hope!
I think I will set it up and then take some sleeping pills (to fall asleep since I am scared of not being able to breathe) and when I get ready to doze off the chair will fall and I will hang. I also cannot buy a gun due to my past, and that seems so messy…I am done having my poor family clean up my messes! I am done with the system and this terrible world! I feel great after writing this, I’d love to come back and tell everyone it worked and was not so painful but if it works then I won’t be around anymore! With my luck I’ll post again saying I failed yet again…
8 comments
Everyone makes mistakes. There are those in this world who are more understanding than others, and I do not judge you at all. I hope with all my heart that you find your own way of seeing why suicide is never the answer. God bless.
I really don’t know what to say besides.. just don’t do it!!! I’m sure out there some where some people want you to live, and you family loves you. STAY STRONG (: <3 LOOOOVE, Jess D.
i really am shocked with what i just read…… wud just like to tell u that if u are still alive after all this im sure there is smthing good in stored for u in the future plzzz dont do anything to ur self as life is a gift of god and dont ruin this gift live it and always smile cheers (Anisha )
Well tonight is the night…I will never return to jail! I’ll gladly choose death over it anytime! I’m not sure about the hanging after all the research I have done, I’m thinking just a knife to the heart because I really cannot feel anymore pain.
It’s odd before my husband left work this evening he actually said goodbye and kissed the back of my head…interesting, huh? He hasn’t spoke to me really in days and poof out of the blue, I get a goodbye…no I love you but a kiss on the head!
I hope one day he realized all I did for this family and especially him…though it will be too late!
I’m really sitting here smiling, because I am not afraid of death…I feel so free right now, like a weight has been lifted from me! I am so thankful I found this site and hope it brings happiness to others, as it has done for me!
I’m not leaving a suicide note…I’ve said my goodbyes and the ones I love know I love them…take care cruel and evil world…….
Me
I cannot believe I am still here…this sucks!! I had it all planned and then my husband decided to come home on his break (he has NEVER done that before) and ruined everything! I didn’t have enough time to go through with it as my sons would be waking up and I refuse to have them find me hanging in our closet…I’ve hurt them enough in their life!
I know things happen for a reason, but I am still going to go through with my plan. If it wasn’t for having to go to jail, I would live the rest of my life! Guess I will try this again tomorrow evening…
Are you still here? I am. Wanna talk?
If your still here, I am in a similar boat and I would like to talk to you…
USAwife?… Are you their? Your post may be old and outdated; but I found it. I want to hear from you… for I am nearing the edge myself.